So many positives

First off, referring back to last night's blog, the soy ice cream product was utterly FANTASTIC. It was some of the most amazing dark-chocolately, peanut-buttery goodness I have ever had. I approve, and then some. That's one positive for you. Another positive, Lucy let me sleep until 8:30 this morning! 

Since I got some good sleep, I was super prepared to head for Plymouth for Penny Kittle's author visit. I wasn't sure how it was going to go, but it was great! Penny was fantastic. She had a wonderful presentation put together with a bunch of examples of student work and her own work and she gave me about a billion awesome ideas to use in my classroom next year. I know for sure I'm working in the right field and in the right place since I left the workshop feeling like I'm ready to go back to school tomorrow! 

I got to see several people who were in the PWP (Plymouth Writer's Project) the same summer I was and it was great to catch up with them! Pretty much every single one commented on my hair... I never knew a flat iron would make such a difference in my appearance! Nichole went with me (yet another positive) and we got invited to attend a four day workshop at the end of July revolving around place based writing. That totally got me going so I'm really hoping that my school district can come up with some cash money so I can go! Even if they don't, I might try to scrape it together so I can attend. 

For any teachers out there who might be reading this, I can't say enough times how amazing my experience at the PWP was. It was one of the most incredible educational experiences I have ever had. The open exchange of ideas between teachers, all supporting one another in the pursuit of doing what's right for kids... it was like heaven. Being there today has me jonesing to go back. Maybe next year I will apply to be a returning fellow. I wanted to do it last year, but it just wasn't the right time. All of that amazing collegial business and it got me writing like crazy. Even after being there today, I am itching to write, write, write! Tomorrow I have some serious plans to spend some quality time in front of the laptop. 

The one bummer of a thing that I heard today was a statistic about reading. Apparently in the USA, only 20% of the population reads. The great majority of people don't even attempt to read one book each year. This completely and totally blows my mind. I don't know what I would do if I didn't read. It is so fulfilling, enjoyable and relaxing. Penny asked her students at the high school about their reading. Almost every single one of them admitted that they did not read the books they were assigned for school, or any on their own. The kids readily admitted to using SparkNotes, skimming a chapter here and there and listening to other student's comments in order to write papers and add to class discussion. I hate to say this, but it's no wonder that the majority of people have no minds of their own. People don't read and their brains don't get any exercise. It's almost exactly the same as the obesity epidemic in the world today. People don't get outside and run around, nor do they sit down and crack open a novel... what a waste. They have no idea what they're missing. 

And the rain continues...

I know you might find this hard to believe, but it's raining. My dog Dexter is showing all of the classic signs of depression because it has been raining and raining and raining. It's pitiful. He's laying on the couch, staring out the window at the rain. I'd take him for a walk in the rain, but he doesn't do the wetness. He even walks on the railroad ties around the house when the dew is still on the grass. He's just a weenie like that, but I still love him. A lot. 

Speaking of Dexter, tomorrow I will have had him for two years! The picture above is of he and I on the day we picked him up. He's changed quite a bit since then... he was so skinny! I thank my lucky stars every day that I have him in my life. He rocks. 

I had a fantastic first day of my summer vacation despite the un-summery weather. I got up at 7:30, puttered around the house a little and then went north shopping. I got a new fan for the window to replace the one that Lucy destroyed the cord to, some t-shirts, some pants, it was a good time and then I grocery shopped to boot! What a productive day. 

When I got home, I got everything put away and spent a little me time painting my toenails. I found a fantastic shade of purple today and if you ask me, it looks rather lovely. I'm a fan. 

Tomorrow I'm off to Plymouth State University for an author visit at the Plymouth Writing Project. This means that I get to be enriched, do a little writing and see Nichole! I am rather excited. 

That being said, I am going to sign off and sample some of the soy ice cream I bought today. I'll let you know how it is!

Leaners

As I am sure most of you know, I have two dogs. Dexter and Lucy are my babies and they are pretty much just fantastic. Not only are they adorable, lovable and super snugglable, they are both leaners. They can't just sit down next to you or in front of you of their own accord, they have to lean their entire bodies against your body. They tend to do this to each other as well. They've been wanting to be really close lately. I have to say, I like it. It's nice to feel loved. 

I did a home visit today all the way up in Thornton, which I discovered is a LONG way from my house. It took me about an hour and a half to get there and then after a total of about eight minutes, I was headed back again. They were awesome people and I wish them the best of luck with their new family member. They have a particular puppy in mind and I hope that they get him. They were all excited for him. It was awesome to see people so happy!

On the way up there, I passed a little store called Veggie Art Girl and lord knows I had to stop on the way back through. It was adorable! There were a lot of fun, handmade things and I picked up a couple of them to bring home with me. If you're driving through Ashland, I would highly recommend stopping by. 

Okay, I'm losing my train of thought so let's try for a poem before it's too late...

owls sing my serenade

so there's no need to 

whistle

while i work.

a pair of them

are calling out

to one another

and all i can do

is wonder 

what they're saying.

A 70% Chance of Stupidity

There was actually a 70% chance of rain today... there's at least a 70-99% chance of stupidity every day. 

The other day, was my day for stupidity. When I was finishing my report cards at school, I copied down all of the comment codes wrong and so every single one of my students got a report card that said they had unacceptable levels of respect and responsibility in reading class. Doesn't that suck? I felt utterly horrible, and even more so when I started hearing from really angry or confused parents. I wrote a letter and sent it out explaining the mistake and last night I started just calling some parents to explain. They took it well for the most part. Not the greatest note to end the year on, but it's remedied as best as can be. 

That being said, I am done with school! I have stuff I'd like to work on over the summer, but nothing mandatory. I am going to be living the fancy free lifestyle for a while and I'm pretty excited about it. I'll have all the time I want or need to do the things that I love and spend time with people who rock. The awesomeness has officially begun. 

Fireflies

the fireflies tonight

are flying

rampant

through the trees

and spiraling higher

and higher

into a sky full of stars.

their biological flashlights

are flickering

on and off

in a rhythmic pattern

as they communicate their desires

to the wind

and one another. 

if that was the last thing

that i ever saw

i would be satisfied. 

Rainy Daze

The rain ceased today. For a minute. It's supposed to start all over again soon. Maybe even tomorrow. I was in desperate need of the sun today. All of the rainy/cloudy weather is really getting to people, including myself. People are depressed, they have heinous headaches that are lasting for days, it's just not a good scene. This is supposed to be summer. It's supposed to be awesome out. Maybe the awesomeness is just waiting for me to officially be out of school. If that's the case, it should be kicking in about noontime tomorrow. 

Life really should come with an instruction manual. There are so many things that you run across that are so difficult! Making the right choices, saying the right things, they are all just hard. They require a lot of thought and maturity and if you are psychic, it doesn't hurt! 

Human interactions and relationships are quite possibly the most difficult of all. How people get along at all completely baffles me. How can you get along with another person who for all intents and purposes is a complete enigma? There is no way you can really know another person and everything that makes them tick. You can make guesses about their motivation or their thoughts, but you can't know that stuff unless they directly share it with you. Unless they choose to allow you inside their innermost thoughts. Even if you feel like you really know someone you can't really know everything about them. You can make guesses and hypotheses according to your observations and prior experiences, but you just can't know. Isn't that a pain?

the rain has caused

a haze

to surround

my world. 

i can't see anything

clearly

and i don't see an end

in sight. 

D-Day of Sorts...

Today is Father's Day. Everyone has one, even if they don't want to admit it. I have one. He's in this picture with me. I admit it willingly and I have to say, I am a big fan of him. We've had our ups and downs as most fathers and daughters do, but on the whole, it's mostly ups. 

I am tired still. I have a feeling I'm going to continue to be tired until I've been on vacation for a week or two. It's hard to get sleep when there's so much stuff going on inside your head. Not to mention the fact that Lucy is up and down all night long! Five more days of school related stuff and then I'm free. I am pretty darned excited about that too. Free to spend time at home, spend time at the barn, spend time with friends... free. 

So speaking of sleeping issues, here's a poem I wrote about them the other morning:

Sleep

no longer comes easy

as my mind roils

in constant

turmoil.

I think I know what Chicken Little 

meant

when he claimed that the sky

was falling. 

Oh What A Night!

First off, I took this picture last night. Dexter, who is a bed hog all the time, decided that he needed to lay on my pillow. I figured if I laid on him, he would move... right? Wrong! As you can see, he was SOUND asleep and stayed right there until after midnight. I fell asleep like that as well and only woke up because he moved. I was awake when the picture was taken, but closed my eyes to protect against the ridiculously bright flash. 

So, I have to be honest, my evening this evening has been a real up and down kinda night. I went north to pick up a prescription and made it approximately four minutes before the pharmacy was going to close... score one for me. Next came dinner at a new restaurant and this is where things went really downhill. 

The decor is cute, but that's about where the goodness ends. I ordered a salad and said VERY specifically that I did not want any blue cheese... I am not a cheese eater and that stuff is just utterly disgusting. The salad came out, with avocados that honest-to-god must have been accidentally frozen and little bits of blue cheese all through it. I tried to pick it out because I absolutely hate to be a pain, but try as I might I couldn't. I ate a bite that had some in it and I gagged. Hard. I couldn't touch anymore of it. At least they didn't make me pay for it. On top of that awesomeness, I also managed to get a big yellow stain on my white shirt from the appetizer that accidentally came out with the meals. Gotta love those computer glitches. 

Following the restaurant mishaps, I thought that maybe ice cream would be a fitting substitute for a real meal. I've done that many a time in my day... tonight wasn't the night for that either! I ordered chocolate ice cream with peanut butter mixed in - a definite winner anytime - and got some gross ice cream that honestly tasted like meat. Like when you have something in the refrigerator or freezer has been sitting for too long with other stuff that smells really strong... it was just bad. Bad, bad, bad. 

There were several positives however that completely made up for the nastiness of the food business. First off, I got some awesome new shoes for walking/running with my doggies, along with a fun hat and another awesome T-shirt. Then, the biggest positive of all: at Border's, I ended up getting a $40 book of essays that a geeky English major-y type such as myself was immediately attracted to, for $24!! Here's to reading a bunch of fantastic literary awesomeness for nearly half price! 

I've been working for a long time to see the silver linings to all of the cloudy days and today, I think I've succeeded. Go me. 

The Last Friday

Today was the very last Friday of the school year... quite honestly, I'm pretty sad. I really like these damn kids and now I'm not going to have them anymore. I have to start all over again next year with a whole new bunch and although I know they'll be fine, they won't be the same. I'd say that it's safe to say I've gotten attached to these little buggers. 

I'm guess I'm just bumming for a bunch of reasons at this point. My grandfather is in the hospital and is pretty sick which always makes me crazy. He has been through so much in his life... he deserves better. 

There are so many things just hanging over my head, I feel like I need a helmet in order to be safe walking around. Maybe I should look into that. People would probably think I was prone to seizures, but maybe they'd give me some space... it might be worth it actually. I'll have to add it to my weekend shopping list. 

the weight

rests

directly over my heart. 

breathing restricted

panic takes over

tears flow free

and i'm drowning

If only...

I was just thinking, "if only I could capture the scent that's in the air tonight." I just had Lucy out for her before bed constitutional and was just soaking in the amazing-ness of the evening. It is rainy and funky out, but I have to say, I'm kind of loving it. I enjoy the sunshine and the warm weather, but there are times that the rain just suits my mood and I guess right now is one of those times. 

I feel like there are so many things wrapping up and coming to an end, and it makes me kind of sad. Tomorrow is my last "normal" day of school for this year and I am super bummed! I have had such an awesome year with the group of students I have and I'm not going to have them anymore after next Tuesday. That's really depressing! I know they'll be in the same building next year, but it won't be the same. I won't get to have them in class every day and watch them grow, change and learn. I won't know what's going on in their lives and I won't be their teacher anymore. 

I just got home from enjoying a delightful evening of "Sandwich Week" with Al, Jess and Paul. We had some amazing eggplanty goodness that Al concocted. I have been craving eggplant so I was super excited to get the invite. I am pretty proud to say that I am really backing off on the meat consumption. It has never been the light of my life, but I have always just eaten it because it was easier... that's just not the case for me anymore. 

While driving home, I had to do some serious slaloming because there were cute little froggies all over the road soaking in the raindrops. They are so awesome and I absolutely hate driving at night in the rain because sometimes the frogs are just unavoidable. I missed them all tonight, thank goodness. 

Well, it's WAY past my bedtime and I've got school tomorrow, so I've got to head off to dreamland. Let's see if I can get out a quick little poem before I pass out of the picture:

Rain falls in the evening -

saturates the air and soil.

The green of the leaves is 

magnified

in the million prisms

drizzling down

from the clouds. 

What's Blooming Today?

Good lord it was a gorgeous day! Not only was it a gorgeous day, but it was a gorgeous day that I got to spend on the beach in Scarborough, with a bunch of 7th graders and some awesome teachers I work with. The weather was spectacular, the kids were ridiculously well behaved and I did NOT get sunburned! At least I don't think I did anyways...

As we were driving there and driving back, I couldn't help but notice all of the amazing flowers that are blooming all over the place. We even passed a place that had a sign out for fresh picked strawberries! They looked awfully good all lined up in their little pint containers. I also saw some incredible rosa rugosa bushes that are completely covered in bright pink flowers and most likely surrounded by very happy bees. I think that there is very little in this world that smells better than a rosa rugosa. It is a fantastic, pure scent that just makes me smile. 

At my house, I also have some good stuff blooming. My jacob's ladder and columbine are winding down, but the irises are just starting up! There are some gorgeous purple ones and there are yellow ones that are just astounding. Some shades of yellow aren't that great, but this shade is something else. 

On that note, I am thinking I should write a poem about this flowery stuff. What do you think? 

The color of roses -

multi-hued,

golden,

velvet red.

A veritable 

rainbow

of scent and shade

surrounded

by the busy buzzing of a million bees

thrilled to have found

such a stash. 

Magnificent Megan

So, I am super lucky today, because my friend Megan is here hanging out. We did some shopping and she got a TON of great stuff... even a dress and some awesome shoes. Then we hung out at Border's for a while and had some fantastic dinner at the China Chef. Thanks to my friend Jess for introducing me to the scallion pancakes there. If you haven't had them, you must try them. 

Since I have company, that's all for tonight. I'll do better tomorrow. I promise!

Reunion Time

I just got home from the 2nd Annual Community School Alumni BBQ. Since all of the graduating classes are so small, we don't have class reunions, we just have school reunions. Last year we had a decent turn out - 15 or 16 people and this year wasn't too shabby for a yucky day - probably 10 or so, including one of the most recent alums who graduated yesterday. 

It rocked my world because I got to see my friend Claire who at this point in time I think can be considered my "oldest" friend. We've been close since I was a freshmen in high school and since I graduated nine years ago... yeah... it's quite a long time. She is absolutely amazing and wonderful and I love her to pieces. I don't get to see her very often, even though she just lives over in Portland. I think that may just have to change though. I can be a big brave girl and drive to the big city.

It's another rainy Sunday around here. It feels so good to just be at home. I haven't been just at home to sit on the couch and hang out with my puppies in WAY too long. I have a Dexter curled up on my right and Lucy is alternating between staring out the slider and walking all over my computer to get right in my face. She's so cute... so is Dexter. I have two pretty darn cute puppies. 

I haven't been writing all that much the past week or so because I've been too busy with wrapping stuff up at school. I need to get all of that stuff taken care of soon. My next big project is to clean out my desk... it might be scary. I tend to be a pack rat. I also have an addiction to office supplies. It is crazy to think that the school year is really almost over. I have had a wonderful first year at KMS and am going to miss my kiddos from this year so badly! They were a great group and I hope they come back to the 7th grade wing every now and then to visit. 

Okay - now, on to poetry. I'm going to write something new. Right now. Bear with me.

It's a blue day

today. 

Raindrops 

make patterns on windows

like teardrops

make patterns on cheeks. 

Fatigue 

has infiltrated 

every crevice of my being.

I am fading - 

fast,

and looking for a crayon

to fill the color

back in. 

Burning Candles

Phew! I am so glad that this week is almost over... I say that and really my week isn't over until Saturday when I am done working at my second job. I love working at BCG, but I'm getting pretty darn tired from burning the candle at both ends. I'll be super glad when Summer Vacation hits and I am free to do some relaxation. 

I had a fun day interviewing candidates for a Language Arts teaching position. I got to spend the day with three other teachers who I really enjoy. There was a lot of laughing and a lot of good conversation, which is ALWAYS a good thing. Some good candidates too! 

I took Little Lucy to her first softball game tonight too. She was scared about to death, but she adjusted after a while and even sniffed a few hands. It was big for her! I'll take her more often and she'll get used to it soon. She's such a cutie and she's turning into a really good little dog!

I am really feeling like things are looking up. Having good friends is really an amazing thing. Just knowing that there are people out there who care for you and who you care for has the ability to buoy you up when you need it. Thanks to all of my amazing friends out there. You guys are absolutely incredible! 

I don't have much poetry going in me tonight, so I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." -Khalil Gibran

Blogging in Earnest.

I have been slacking off pretty hard in the blogging department. The end of the school year is always crazy and it causes a lot of other things to be swept under the rug for the time being. I have also been burning my candle at both ends and it's really starting to catch up with me. Someone remind me next year to NOT agree to work Saturdays before school gets out. It's a little too much for me right now. I'm also super bummed because I have to work this Saturday and there are two big things happening that I wish I could attend, but I can't! My mom is the graduation speaker at The Community School and Carly is having a graduation party! Darn it all!! Anyways, enough complaining. 

I guess that honestly, I just don't have a whole lot to say right now. I've got a lot going on, but most of it is going on in my head... once I get all of it sorted out, I'll slap some of my "deep" thoughts up here, but for now, let's just head straight for the poetry. I wrote this one quite some time ago and I kind of like it. I hope you enjoy it too!

Scenting the Enemy

I hear a thousand winds moan

as I watch for the smell

of those gifted dreamers

who whisper winter days away.

Months later

the rain comes blue –

it’s drops chanting a new tune.

Some women are mean and weak

behind hard exteriors

carved from granite.

Their men run from them

and hide in beds

tucked under plaid flannel covers.

There they shine

snug as bugs in a rug. 

Chilly, willy, nilly!

I got super cold when I was at the barn this afternoon with the farrier! It is cold and damp and icky out. I have to say though, days like this make things easier at school. When it's not nice out, the kids don't want to be outside, so they have an easier time paying attention to what's going on. 

I'm trying to go easy on them for the end of the year anyways. They don't need a ton more stress, so we're studying fairy tales... compare and contrasting them, reading lots of them... it's a good time for sure. 

I had an awesome day yesterday!! After work I went to visit Jess and we spent so much quality time together! She even made me an AMAZING vegan pizza for dinner, the leftovers of which are in the oven right now re-heating so I can enjoy it AGAIN tonight. Speaking of which, I can smell it and I'm going to go eat it! 

Stay warm and toasty and I'll get some poetry up here tomorrow. :)

P.S.

So, I've decided to add on an addendum, which is in essence, completely redundant since addendum means something you've added on...

I just wanted to say that moms, sisters and best friends absolutely rock. It is amazing to know that when you are so mad you can't even see straight, there are people out there who can make you feel better pretty much instantly. 

Thanks guys!! You rock. 

Raising My Ire

I am so angry, that I don't even know what to say. It takes a lot to leave me speechless, but I am. 

Ahhhh, the weekend.

So, it's Saturday. I'm glad that it's not Friday anymore, because yesterday was not the most stupendous day ever. Long story that we won't go into here, but trust me, I'm glad it's done with! 

I just got home from a lovely day of working at Bearcamp Garden. The weather is gorgeous, the sun is shining and lots of people were out and about buying flowers. We've got some gorgeous stuff down there, so if you're in the market for annuals, perennials or some aggregate, come on down! Betsy and Peter rock, as do the rest of the people who work at BCG. 

I do believe that this evening I will be traveling to the great state of Maine for a graduation party for yet ANOTHER one of my former students who has finished up the great battle that we call high school. She was an on and off charter schooler, and always a very cool chick. She is a fantastic artist and takes some of the most gorgeous photographs I have ever seen. I know she has a website, though I'm not sure what it is. I'll have to ask her for it so I can post a link up here for all to see. 

Well, I'm going to get a poem up here and get the dogs out for a walk. I think it's cooled off a bit so they won't be totally roasting. I hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine!!

Childhood Was

black rubber boots

with red soles.

early morning barn chores.

fudgcicles for breakfast

on hot Saturday mornings

covered in sawdust.

riding every day until dark.

reading and writing

and living a whole other life

inside my head.

 

The Third Graduation

Last night, I was privileged enough to attend the third graduation of students from the Academy for Equine Sciences Charter School, formerly known as the New Hampshire Equestrian Academy. Two amazing young ladies graduated last night after spending the past three years working hard not only to learn as much as they possibly could, but also to build a healthy, happy community in their school. They fought hard not only to make the environment open and accepting, but also to keep the school open. Charter school's are in constant danger of closing due to lack of funding from the State of New Hampshire and on several occasions, these two girls spoke out in defense of their school. I call it their school because, being two of the inaugural students, they were two of the group of young ladies who were responsible for making the school what it is.

I had the opportunity to teach at the school for two years, and though there were many stressors that I do not miss one bit, I do miss my kids. I may only be 26 years old, but those girls that graduated last night are mine in so many ways. I was able to watch them grow and change and be there for them when they needed a shoulder and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Madi started out three years ago an incredible student who wouldn't say boo about anything. Over the course of time that I have known her, she has become not only an incredible student, but an outspoken young lady who I am proud to call a friend. She is intelligent, beautiful and confident. She knows that she can do anything she sets her mind to and she will prove that when she starts at New York University in the fall.

Carly is and has always been one of the rare people in this world who knew herself from the very beginning. She is also a brilliant student and one of the most level headed responsible young ladies I have ever met. There are so many memories I share with her, but the one that stands out most clearly is the day she totalled her parent's truck on the way to school. We were getting ready to leave for a field trip to the Seabrook Nuclear Power plant and she had called to say she was going to be a little bit late. A few minutes later, her passenger called to say they had been in a bad car accident and they wouldn't be making it to school in time for the field trip. I heard Carly saying in the background, "go left," in response to my asking where they were. I jumped in my car and turned left out the driveway and because of her directions, found them. I almost had a heart attack when I saw the truck smashed to pieces, laying on it's roof. Horrible visions took over my imagination and I ran for the ambulance. Thank God, both Carly and her passenger were fine. They had a few scratches, but they got out without major injury. I have never been so relieved in my life. Through it all, Carly kept a level head and never panicked. She had the forethought to kick out the back window of the truck so they could climb out and escape any further injury. She is headed for Colby Sawyer College in September looking forward to a career in nursing. She will be the best nurse who ever walked the halls of a hospital.

I am not sure I have ever felt this proud. Again, though these girls are not biologically mine, I am so proud to have known them and been a part of their lives. I look forward to a long life of friendship with both of them. Congrats girls. You are the best.

Finally

So thank the lord, I'm finally feeling better. Honestly, yesterday I had serious concerns that I was going to be torn from this world and into the next very prematurely. I even had to take today and stay home again. I'm not one to stay home and it killed me to be without the kids for another day, but I am back to my normal self and will be there to enjoy them tomorrow!

I was at least productive with my time today. I took all of the writing that I have been doing recently and got it all compiled into one file on the good old laptop. I have been toying with the idea of self-publishing a book of poetry and now that my super friend Caroline self-published her novel, I'm back on the bandwagon. There's a great website lulu.com that is supposed to make it pretty easy and you can even get your very own ISBN number! It costs a little money, but if you have your own, it means that you are truly the publisher and you own all of the rights. I have collected a whopping 82 pages of poetry, and now I just have to figure out the organizational end of things and create a cover. I have to say, I'm pretty excited about that. 

That being said, here's a poem I discovered in one of my journals that I had no recollection of writing:

Dying Inside

There’s a noose around my heart.

The executioner skipped my neck

and instead

went right to the center of my being

and started to squeeze.

I will not be so lucky as to just break my neck

and be paralyzed for the rest of my life.

I will not be lost in a coma

until I get unplugged.

I will die.

My heart struggles

to push blood through veins

like a neap tide

when water neither comes nor goes.

My arteries are half full

and draining

and at last

I’ll have that pale English complexion

I started out with. 

Reading Between The Lines

Having been an avid reader for practically my entire life, I have done a fair bit of reading between the lines. I will never forget that all through high school, I fought tooth and nail with Martha Carlson about poetry and it's meaning. Her philosophy was that when a writer wrote a poem, that it had one meaning and one meaning only and it was your job as the reader to get inside the writer's head and discover that meaning. I completely disagreed. Now that I am much more educated than I was in high school (thank you $70k worth of debt), I know, pretty much without a doubt that I was right. 

I fancy myself to be a writer... as you know if you are reading this blog. The whole reason I started it was to force myself to write more, and it's been working. Someone asked me yesterday what inspired my poetry, and honestly, there's no one source of inspiration for me. Sometimes I see something outside that blows my mind... even more often it's a smell that gets me going. On the way home today I smelled the most amazing and intense "pine needle in-the-sun" smell. That gets me going. Sometimes it's events that are occurring in my life, sometimes it's stuff I've seen on TV or read about in another place, or dreams that I've had or the drama that might be going on in someone else's life. It's hard to say all the time where it comes from, but sometimes the words just flow and one thing leads to another and a poem ends up on paper. I look back at my writing and sometimes I don't remember writing things or what I was thinking about at the time. 

I remember hearing a story from a professor in college about the poem "My Papa's Waltz" by Theodore Roethke. Supposedly when he first wrote the poem, it was a happy memory for him of good times spent with his father. Apparently when he looked back on it later in life however, he saw it as something totally and completely different. He re-read his own words that came out of his pen in his hand and instead of seeing that happy memory, he saw a drunken and disorderly dad and a dysfunctional family. That just goes to show you, that even the writer him or herself can read between the lines differently depending on the time. 

When you read, you bring all of yourself and your background with you to what you're reading and I think that's why I love to read so much. Every time I read something, it might mean something different to me. I have read The Great Gatsby a million times, and every time I read it, I get something different out of it. The same can be said for every piece of literature I have ever read. Depending on my frame of mind, my mood, what I've eaten or watched on TV, conversations I've had, dreams I've had... it means something different to me. 

I remember taking a Critical Analysis class in college (two actually, but that's a long story for another time) and I was told very specifically when analyzing poetry, you never refer to the person in the poem as the author. Just because a person writes a poem, that does not mean that they are the speaker in the poem. Poetry is not necessarily non-fiction. It could be entirely false. Chances are, it just might be. 

Personal Daze

I am taking a "personal day" today. We are allowed three a year and they expire at the end, so I figured, I might as well go for it! After the long stint in the fields on Saturday, it will probably be good to have an extra day of recovery so I can potentially walk like a normal human being in front of the children tomorrow. 

I managed to sleep in this morning with only two interruptions. Dexter needed desperately to pee and then Lucy had to have some playtime. When all was said and done, I wasn't up and about until about 8:00. Not bad in the grand scheme of my life. My normal morning starts right around 5:00 or a little before, depending on the day. I made myself a little mental list for the day and I've already managed to check one thing off! I've gone through all of the resumes for the hiring committee I'm a part of. Some were great, some had blatant miss-spellings. That one blew my mind. Now we'll see what the other committee members thought and I'll get to be a part of some interviews! Exciting stuff. Not too long ago, I was in their position - the hot seat. 

It's really funny to look back at life and see how things change and how cyclical so many things are. They say that every 7 years your body goes through a complete change. That's when your allergies are supposed to change and things like that. There are plenty of other cycles too... cycles in your brain, in your friendships, in your relationships in general. I can't help but think that ten years ago right now I was in a very similar place in a lot of ways. I can say that I sincerely hope it's not a regular ten year cycle. I am actually going to say right now that I am committing to making it not be a repetitive mistake. I am going to pay more attention to myself and what I need and what I love so that I don't have to go searching for myself again, now that I seem to be finally finding me. 

I'm not so good with maps.

And currently

I'm trekking

without a sherpa

through the mountainous region

known as myself.

Instead of being lost in a blizzard

or my toes turning black

from the frost

I actually think I'm finding my way

to higher ground 

and alpine meadows.

I can almost smell 

the heady scent of flowers

wafting on the wind that winds it's way

through the middle of my thoughts 

in my personal daze.