Apathy, ignorance and the evils of the snooze button.

Once again, I've had a long stretch of time in between posts. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I haven't had the gumption. I've been lacking get up and go because my get up and go, got up and went and I'm not quite sure where it got to.

The end of October is fast approaching. I can't believe that fall has come and gone like this. It's my favorite time of year and I have enjoyed it, just not for long enough! The leaves are finishing up with their falling and the trees look pretty darn good naked. I'm just saying... there's something special about the spectre of a nearly nude deciduous dendrological design. I'm a fan. A big one.

Honestly I think the reason for my absence from life in general is that the apathy is getting to me. I have been able to hold it off and keep it at bay for a long time, but it's wearing me down. Everywhere I turn, there it is. Students, fellow teachers, the world in general is well on it's way to a giant apex of apathetic B.S. and I don't mean Bachelor of Science.

Ignorance is coming in a close second in this race to drive us all toward the duldrums. You don't have to be uneducated to be ignorant and I've discovered there are plenty of people in this world who have degrees coming out their ears and they are more ignorant that a person who may not have finished the 9th grade. There's not one way to do things, there's not one path to choose. If you open your eyes and allow yourself to be available... good things will surely come your way.

I was planning on ranting a little more, but I'm quickly running out of steam. The sun is shining and I'm desperate to get out and enjoy it. Days are coming where sunshine will come at a premium and 60 degrees will be months away. Here's to enjoying the goodness while it lasts and looking forward to it's eventual return... Contrary to some people's beliefs, winter's not so bad either in my book. There's nothing like the silence after a good snow storm. That's the kind of quiet I can really sink my teeth into.

Hard to say...

Have you ever been asked a question that you couldn't answer? Not that you didn't want to, or something mathematical that you didn't have the formula to solve, but a question that you can't answer. Something that you don't understand about your very own self, that someone else wants to know.

I hadn't, until last night. Someone essentially asked me why I am the way I am. Why my brain works the way it does. Why when someone is upset, I automatically blame myself and try to make it better.

I tried to answer. I really did. Every time I tried though, I just blamed myself.

It's really got me thinking now.

I've always been like that (I think).

I know logically speaking that it makes no sense whatsoever.

I understand that it's extremely ego-centric for me to believe that regardless of what it is, it is my fault.

All of that aside, I feel like that most of the time and I can't for the life of me explain why. I wish I could.

If I could explain it, then maybe I could fix it. Maybe I could change the way I feel and the way my brain seems to function. I would spend so much less time feeling guilty for things that are not my fault and be able to spend more time enjoying.

I worry too much. That is a fact.

I have terrible self-esteem. Another fact.

I feel that when things are good, that means that the apocalypse is looming. Sad, but true fact.

Maybe it's because of the sadness and anger I haven't yet worked through from the barn burning when I was twelve...

Maybe it's my out of control hormones that make me feel terrible about myself on a regular basis...

Maybe there is too much fiction floating around in my head and I need to make a concerted effort to get it down on paper more often...

Maybe I need to keep up with my blog...

So many maybes and no definitive answers. Maybe now that it's swimming around in the soup that is my brain, I'll come to a conclusion of some sort.

One can only hope.

I suck again... (that's what she said.)

So, I've been MIA for a while again. It seems like that's just my way of being lately. I've been so damn busy that I'm not even 100% sure where I've been. I do know that all of this business has been getting in the way of doing what I want, but I guess that's another joy of being an "adult".

My main focus for the past five weeks has been getting my barn up and together for the return of my ponies to the front yard. We were hoping to have things together so they could make the trip last Friday, but it just wasn't in the cards I guess. This Friday it is! As in today. Today is moving day, rain or shine. I'm hoping for a little bit of first of the month "rabbit, rabbit" magic that will bring a pause to the chilly, rainy, showers from about 4:00 to about 6:00 this evening. I'd be down for that for sure, because a 3.6 mile walk in the not rain is sure to be more pleasant than that same walk made in the rain.

Either which way, it's happening. Wet or dry, we're making the journey to the next step. I keep freaking out a little and Cyle (God bless him) keeps reminding me that this is just one step closer to that little farm we've been talking about.

It's not the bringing home of the horses that causes me the mental anguish. I'm pretty pumped to step out the front door and see my pretty mare and pony pony. It's the fact that nearly my entire life has been spent at the barn where they've been. From the time I was a whopping seven years old, my free time, spare time, fun time has been spent mostly there. The memories are what seem to be killing me. The thought that my first pony is buried there and my first horse as well. I'm going to be leaving them behind. Even though I know that there's nothing left connected to their earthly remains, it's still the thought of it. The worry of it. It's change and sometimes I don't handle that well. I guess this is just one of those times. Maybe that's why I get along so well wiht seventh graders. Lots of them have a hard time with transition too.

At any rate, keep your fingers crossed for me. I have a raincoat, but my ponies don't!