No words.

If I were any more introspective....

I'd have turned inside out by now.

I have been having some early morning epiphanies after some long, hard night time thinking. I think the saying, "sleep on it" is a misnomer. When you're thinking about something overnight... there's not much sleep to be had.

I got into one of those moods this weekend where I felt like everything in the world was overwhelming. Everything was piling up on me and I couldn't handle it anymore. It had me irritated and irritable for most of the weekend.

I will go so far as to blame at least part of it on monthly hormonal shifts that affect the way I think, but I was thinking about it this morning and I realized that I really have no reason to get overwhelmed and upset about things that I have committed myself to. It's not like someone is holding me hostage, saying that I have to do laundry for both of us... or that I have to pack two lunches every day. These are things I have chosen to do, because I want to do them.

It's all a part of the balance. We do things for each other because we love each other and though it might feel irritating or overwhelming sometimes, it's just a part of how relationships roll.

On another note, we had a FANTASTIC harvest/Halloween dinner at Jess and Al's last night. Each time I have the opportunity to partake of Al's culinary cuisine, I am amazed at the flavors he blends. Last night, he made an acorn squash, stuffed with wild rice and a special homemade cranberry glaze.... to say it was delectable wouldn't even come close. It was a palate pleaser and then some.

The food was great, the company was even better adn I'm feeling like a human being again. Good combination all around.

Apathy, ignorance and the evils of the snooze button.

Once again, I've had a long stretch of time in between posts. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I haven't had the gumption. I've been lacking get up and go because my get up and go, got up and went and I'm not quite sure where it got to.

The end of October is fast approaching. I can't believe that fall has come and gone like this. It's my favorite time of year and I have enjoyed it, just not for long enough! The leaves are finishing up with their falling and the trees look pretty darn good naked. I'm just saying... there's something special about the spectre of a nearly nude deciduous dendrological design. I'm a fan. A big one.

Honestly I think the reason for my absence from life in general is that the apathy is getting to me. I have been able to hold it off and keep it at bay for a long time, but it's wearing me down. Everywhere I turn, there it is. Students, fellow teachers, the world in general is well on it's way to a giant apex of apathetic B.S. and I don't mean Bachelor of Science.

Ignorance is coming in a close second in this race to drive us all toward the duldrums. You don't have to be uneducated to be ignorant and I've discovered there are plenty of people in this world who have degrees coming out their ears and they are more ignorant that a person who may not have finished the 9th grade. There's not one way to do things, there's not one path to choose. If you open your eyes and allow yourself to be available... good things will surely come your way.

I was planning on ranting a little more, but I'm quickly running out of steam. The sun is shining and I'm desperate to get out and enjoy it. Days are coming where sunshine will come at a premium and 60 degrees will be months away. Here's to enjoying the goodness while it lasts and looking forward to it's eventual return... Contrary to some people's beliefs, winter's not so bad either in my book. There's nothing like the silence after a good snow storm. That's the kind of quiet I can really sink my teeth into.

Hard to say...

Have you ever been asked a question that you couldn't answer? Not that you didn't want to, or something mathematical that you didn't have the formula to solve, but a question that you can't answer. Something that you don't understand about your very own self, that someone else wants to know.

I hadn't, until last night. Someone essentially asked me why I am the way I am. Why my brain works the way it does. Why when someone is upset, I automatically blame myself and try to make it better.

I tried to answer. I really did. Every time I tried though, I just blamed myself.

It's really got me thinking now.

I've always been like that (I think).

I know logically speaking that it makes no sense whatsoever.

I understand that it's extremely ego-centric for me to believe that regardless of what it is, it is my fault.

All of that aside, I feel like that most of the time and I can't for the life of me explain why. I wish I could.

If I could explain it, then maybe I could fix it. Maybe I could change the way I feel and the way my brain seems to function. I would spend so much less time feeling guilty for things that are not my fault and be able to spend more time enjoying.

I worry too much. That is a fact.

I have terrible self-esteem. Another fact.

I feel that when things are good, that means that the apocalypse is looming. Sad, but true fact.

Maybe it's because of the sadness and anger I haven't yet worked through from the barn burning when I was twelve...

Maybe it's my out of control hormones that make me feel terrible about myself on a regular basis...

Maybe there is too much fiction floating around in my head and I need to make a concerted effort to get it down on paper more often...

Maybe I need to keep up with my blog...

So many maybes and no definitive answers. Maybe now that it's swimming around in the soup that is my brain, I'll come to a conclusion of some sort.

One can only hope.

I suck again... (that's what she said.)

So, I've been MIA for a while again. It seems like that's just my way of being lately. I've been so damn busy that I'm not even 100% sure where I've been. I do know that all of this business has been getting in the way of doing what I want, but I guess that's another joy of being an "adult".

My main focus for the past five weeks has been getting my barn up and together for the return of my ponies to the front yard. We were hoping to have things together so they could make the trip last Friday, but it just wasn't in the cards I guess. This Friday it is! As in today. Today is moving day, rain or shine. I'm hoping for a little bit of first of the month "rabbit, rabbit" magic that will bring a pause to the chilly, rainy, showers from about 4:00 to about 6:00 this evening. I'd be down for that for sure, because a 3.6 mile walk in the not rain is sure to be more pleasant than that same walk made in the rain.

Either which way, it's happening. Wet or dry, we're making the journey to the next step. I keep freaking out a little and Cyle (God bless him) keeps reminding me that this is just one step closer to that little farm we've been talking about.

It's not the bringing home of the horses that causes me the mental anguish. I'm pretty pumped to step out the front door and see my pretty mare and pony pony. It's the fact that nearly my entire life has been spent at the barn where they've been. From the time I was a whopping seven years old, my free time, spare time, fun time has been spent mostly there. The memories are what seem to be killing me. The thought that my first pony is buried there and my first horse as well. I'm going to be leaving them behind. Even though I know that there's nothing left connected to their earthly remains, it's still the thought of it. The worry of it. It's change and sometimes I don't handle that well. I guess this is just one of those times. Maybe that's why I get along so well wiht seventh graders. Lots of them have a hard time with transition too.

At any rate, keep your fingers crossed for me. I have a raincoat, but my ponies don't!

Slacking...

In terms of the blog anyways... otherwise I've been mighty busy. School has officially started. I have 86 (or so) new little cherubs to get to know and teach about Reading, Life and 7th grade. It's going to be an interesting year for sure. We've got a mix of personalities student-wise and I think they're going to come along quite nicely.

We've got a new teacher on our team this year too and I don't think I have space enough here to say all of the good things I'd like to say about her. She knows her stuff. She knows the kids. She's just fabulous in general.

On the homefront is where the busy bee-ness really begins. We've been cleaning and digging and building in preparation for my ponies coming home. It's been a long time coming and I am very excited that they are going to be back in the front yard. What better lawn ornaments than a couple of 900 pound beasties? The timing could have been a little better, but... life happens. We roll with those punches in this neighborhood these days.

It's all coming along well though. The barn is set. Cyle has been working very diligently to get the fence posts in the ground, even though the large chunks of granite seem to disagree. We've got boards, we've got fence insulators, we've got electric wires... now just for some gates, some stall mats, some shavings and some horses. Just add hay and you've got yourself a mini-farm right in the front yard.

It's also getting to be my absolute favorite time of year. Fair season is knocking on our doors and the Sandwich Fair is likely to be the best time ever this year. Cyle's got the weekend off, we've got friends and family coming to enjoy with us and then come November, we'll be off to the Equine Affaire. Bright days are coming our way. I'd better go find my sunglasses.

It's been a while....

Well, the end of summer has arrived. I've been away from internet access all summer, hence the lack of blog activity. I am back though. I am sitting right now in my new classroom at school, having just finished the set up, enjoying a little peace and quiet before the kiddos show up one week from today.

It's been a great summer. Lots of working, lots of playing and lots of fun. I don't have much time at the moment, and I don't have any of my awesome photos I took of our stupendous garden, succulent flowers or super awesome friends, but that will come in time.

I just wanted to let anyone who might read this know that I haven't completely disappeared from the face of the planet, though it seemed like it for a minute. I'm back and I'll be better about blogging. I promise.

How many ends does that candle have?

If I could find a candle with four ends, I'd be burning all of them right now. Simultaneously. At the same time. There would be tiny flames and melting wax everywhere you turned.

Last night marked the beginning of a super busy couple of weeks. After school yesterday, I started my "summer" job at Starbucks. School gets out so late these days that "summer" jobs always start before school is really over.

I was nervous as all get out about starting this new thing, but it went remarkably well. The people are awesome, it seems like a pretty chill place to work and the scheduling piece doesn't seem bad at all. I'm training again tonight and again on Thursday and then a couple nights next week... it will be busy, but it will be good.

In other news, Miss Megan Lynn GRADUATES on Friday. She spent her last high school student evening at our house last night and we kicked the butt of some mapmaking and some goal-setting as well as a college application. Over the course of the evening, she also let me try on her gorgeous prom dress and we got some good giggles in. I am so darn proud of her.

Anyways, I'm off to zombie shuffle my way through today... sleep is for the weak!

100

My 100th blog post... I thought I would do something spectacular and special, but it looks like I'll just spout off a minute about clarity.

Clarity is something that is often in short supply in this world and people who are in the greatest need of clarity are the ones who look in all the wrong places to find it.

Clarity cannot be found in the bottom of a bottle.

Clarity cannot be found in a lie.

Clarity cannot be found in a world you live in inside your head or in reverting back to immaturity.

Clarity is a state of being you reach when you can step back and see things clearly.

It's a time where you can look around your life and see what's bothering you and then make changes to fix it.

I am very lucky. I have reached a point of clarity in my life. I reached it almost a year ago now. A fog cleared from in front of my eyes and I stopped lying to myself. I started being honest and making changes to get me where I wanted to be.

There are some very special people who helped me reach this point of clarity and to them (you know who you are) I send my most sincere thanks.

Speaking of years and anniversaries... 11 years ago tomorrow, my Senior Project came to life... literally. My pony pony JT will be eleven years old tomorrow... Not only is that a great thing to celebrate, it also means that the same number of years ago, one day coming right up, will be the anniversary of when another very special person came into my life.

Things may not have happened right then and there, but eleven years ago a very large, important and amazing ball got rolling and it ended up knocking down all of the pins. STRIKE!

Lupines and loveliness...

This whole, coming home to bouquets in the bedroom thing is utterly fantastic. Upon returning from the barn last night (and wishing my pretty Revy mare a happy 17th birthday!!), I found a vase of gorgeous purple and white lupines waiting for me. It was another hot day, but boy was it a good one.

After the barn and coming home to flowers, a no-cooking dinner of Subway ensued. It's not gourmet, but it was satisfying and took little to no effort at all, which is always good on a hot, sticky day.

When the sun started heading down in the sky, Cyle headed for the garden to transplant some baby lettuces. We're going to have a TON of buttercrunch leaf lettuce and it is going to be AWESOME. The greens in the garden are growing like mad, as are the onions... and the green beans were loving up the heat. Summertime and fresh veggies here we come!

While he was in the land of the veggies, I was back in the shrubbery. My pruners and I got a good work out between the forsythia, a random apple tree and the beech trees that are encroaching on the lawn. I even whipped out a hand saw and then Cyle brought out the chainsaw when I got to the big stuff I couldn't take down. The yard is starting to really shape up... not to mention the fact that one of these days we're going to have a HUGE bonfire with all of the brush... s'mores, here we come!

After the sweaty yard work, more swimming was on the docket, and we made it home just before the weak rumblings of thunder started. There was a decent light show, but only a few sprinkles of rain to show for it... hopefully we'll get some rain soon.

At any rate, Summertime is fast approaching and life is good. :)

Holy Hotness...

For the first time ever in my life, I went swimming in the month of May. I was so hot and so disgruntled when I got out of school yesterday, I braved the frigid swimming hole near my house and took a dip.

I have never been a huge water fan... I attribute it to the fact that I'm a fire sign, but yesterday, it was awesome. The water was darn cold and it totally took my breath away and changed my perspective on life.

It was a hot day at school and I got a phone call that I was none too thrilled about... the job I had interviewed for and was SUPER excited about... well it didn't work out. I had tried so hard not to get my hopes up and unfortunately I did. It just happens sometimes that you pin all of your hopes on one thing and you just know that if that one thing comes through, then things will change.

Spending some time in the cold water helped me think about things differently however and I know now that it just wasn't meant to be at this moment. I am not done where I am. I have not helped everyone I need to help, or influenced everyone I need to influence.

After that swim, my evening progressed in a very positive manner. Cyle and I attended the Eagle Academy graduation and I was SO proud to see two of my students from this semester graduate. They are awesome kiddos who have fought their way through so many hardships to get over the hump and succeed. I can't wait until the next graduation in December where more of them will get that final piece of paper that allows them to open so many doors.

Graduating from high school is a big accomplishment. Being a teenager is not an easy thing and when you don't have a support system in place that can help you toward that goal, it gets even harder. It's really amazing how some kids just need someone to tell them no, and they beg for it, even though they pretend to be mad when you do it.

I don't necessarily want to have my own kids, but I often wish I could take other people's kids and give them what they need to succeed... maybe someday, I will be able to do that regularly. We'll see what life brings my way.

Happy Birthday...

Today would have been my grandfather's 78th birthday and it seems very foreign to me that he is not here to celebrate it. In honor of this day, I want to just list some of my favorite memories of him.

I remember Necco wafers,

the chocolate were your favorite.

Sprite and Crunch bars.

Toast with butter, peanut butter and cinnamon sugar.

Peony flowers, mayflowers, and vegetable gardens -

when the oak leaves are as big as a mouse's ear, plant your peas.

When test driving cars, always really test them out and see what they can do.

Bruises and scabs

always bleeding because of your medicine.

Pink pills for pale people

whenever I was sick.

I remember the greatest hugs,

holding your big, soft, cool hand.

Lava soap and the smell of gasoline

when you had Elliott Brothers Garage.

I remember your smile

and how much you loved your family.

You were proud of me

always.

I miss you.

Great nights, busy weekends and mountain climbing...

Well, a wonderful weekend started out with a fantastic Friday night. Cyle and I attended a delicious BBQ at Jess and Al's house with lots of wonderful people in attendance. It was superb to get to spend time with Jess, Al, Paul (who's finally home from out west... just for a minute), Elsah, Jim and Leah. We ate tons of great food, including the most amazing strawberry shortcake I've ever eaten. Al's baking skills never cease to amaze me and make my taste-buds ache for more. The biscuits he made were tender, soft, sweet... everything you want in a biscuit and more.

Saturday was a busy day at Bearcamp Garden with lots of people coming in to find some fabulous flowers for their front yards... and probably back yards too... and just shortly after I got home, my Megan came up!! We had a belated birthday bash with spaghetti pie, kale salad and ice cream cake. It's not a party until you break out the ice cream cake...

After dinner we went to visit the ponies and then went for a drive around Tamworth and Sandwich checking out the sunset and finding scores of lovely Lady Slippers on the sides of the many multiples of back dirt roads we took.

On Sunday, Cyle unfortunately had to work, and Megan and I decided to go to the mountains. It was time to conquer Mt. Chocorua and so conquer we did. It was a touch on the hazy side, but the pictures came out decent anyways. It was a gorgeous day. A lot of fun. Here's to a good, busy, weekend!

The summit from the trail.

The Jim Liberty Cabin.

Looking back toward the Ossipee's (I think!).

Looking up toward the Presidential's (I think!).

Chocorua Lake from the summit.

Finally, Mt. Washington. Not too much snow left up there!

Special...

So, for you pet lovers out there - you know how when you look at Petfinder.com on those days you feel compelled to fall in love with an animal that you just have to save, they have those symbols that pop up next to the ridiculously adorable pictures to tell you about the animals. Whether they're good with kids, other dogs, cats, etc... Well, there's a special symbol for pets with special needs. That symbol used to be a little purple heart, but upon just checking it to make sure I had my facts straight, it appears that they've changed the color to a funky green heart.

I won't ramble on too long before getting to my point here, so what I'm getting at is that if I were a pet listed on Petfinder, I would have that little green heart next to my picture. I admit it, I have special needs when it comes to life. I don't think I'm needy per se, but there are times that I am in need.

I couldn't tell you why exactly... maybe it's the fact that I'm a Leo or maybe it's because I was an only child for such a long time, but I require a lot of attention. I like being involved in conversations with people and interacting with people and getting the attention of people in various ways. I never used to be like that. I was a shy, shy little girl who tried to avoid the spotlight like the plague for years, but now... now I like the attention.

I have had self esteem issues for my entire life and I think that the attention makes me feel better about myself. I feel like I can't be that bad looking/that fat/that heinous if people are talking to me and laughing with me and joking with me. I suppose all told, that it's not a bad thing to like attention... the bad part about it is how I feel sometimes when I don't get it.

If I'm not getting that attention, I feel like there must be something wrong with me. I must have gained weight. I must be ugly. I must just be stupid.

Now, the logical Casey inside my head knows that none of that really makes any sense. Unfortunately the emotional Casey has a tendency to overrule that logical voice... the one who has the glasses and is drawing all of those flow charts.

Emotional Casey immediately goes to the place where the world is out to get her and everyone hates her. She heads toward the desert called "MakingMyselfMiserable" better known as MMM.

I'm just hoping that someday that logical chick I have living inside my brain will take over and tell emotional Casey to stuff a sock in it and chill out. That will be the day!

Good Morning.

Good morning! I'm not just using that as the every day greeting... I'm saying I'm having a good morning. In fact, I think that the perfect storm for a good morning occurred this morning. It has gone a little something like this...

I hit the snooze button a couple of times this morning so I got a little extra snuggle time. That is always a good thing.

I packed a quick and easy lunch of leftovers. Yet again. Awesome.

Driving to work, I was listening to WCYY and in the morning now they play blocks of 5 or 6 songs without interruption. Not only did they play that many songs, they were all good songs. Old songs that brought back memories of high school days like Cracker, Pearl Jam and The Bloodhound Gang. When my mom used to drive me to the bus stop, we would hear "The Roof is on Fire" by The Bloodhound Gang and she would sing the chorus. Being 14 or 15 and hearing your mom go to town singing, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. We don't need no water, let the mother f-er burn. Burn mother f-er. Burn." is one of the best things ever. I suppose that's one of the reasons my mom is the coolest. That and she took me to get my first and second tattoo and she paid for them. I don't think it gets much better than that.

After that, I got a big latte with an extra shot of awesomeness... and THEN, my first class of students today chose to continue their RED time through class. A room full of fifteen 12 and 13 year olds chose to continue reading silently for an extra 40 minutes. How much better could that be? Not much, I don't think.

Lilacs, pruning and squeaker wars...

Lilacs. I seem to be completely obsessed with them right now. I suppose that could be because every time I take a deep breath, I am swimming in them. I love it. They are amazing.

My mom has some very well established lilac bushes at her house and they are quite large. I think generally they top out between ten and fifteen feet and these ones are getting close. They hadn't had any horticultural attention in quite a while and so last night Cyle and I went house on them. Out came the pruners, a ladder and even a saw. Those suckers (literally, suckers from the plant that grow up out of the ground and take energy away from the main plant...) never knew what hit them.

It was buggy, scratchy, itchy, dirty and awesome. I was covered with lilac twigs, the dried remains of last year's spent flowers and lots of black fly bites, but it was all completely worth it. I don't know why, but there is something I love about pruning. It is artistic and cathartic all at once and when you're pruning lilacs, you have the added bonus of it being favorably scented. Not bad... not bad.

Meanwhile, we're having major squeaker wars in the front yard. Squeakers are more commonly known as chipmunks, but my fantastic friend Jess refers to them as squeakers and it just stuck in my head. We have several factions in the front yard, each claiming their own territory and that doesn't even touch the renegade band who rule the back yard and harass the dogs just outside the fence 24-7.

Sitting outside on the deck you are right in the throes of the battle. They are constantly running back and forth yelling at each other and they have gotten mighty brave. One had the cojones to stand up and start speaking harshly to me the other day when I was just trying to enjoy the evening. I gave it right back to him (or her) and he (or she) retreated to the safety of their fortress under said deck.

It's a wild, wild world out there. Bull moose walking through the yard, a huge black bear lurking in the shadows at my grandmother's house and the never ending epic squeaker battle. Come on down and enjoy the show.

Smells like heaven...

That's where I thought I was last night. I got home from teaching at the Eagle Academy and Cyle had picked a HUGE bouquet of lilacs and put them in a vase right next to the bed. I drifted off to sleep on a sweet smelling lilac cloud and boy did it make my dreams sweet.

Who's a lucky girl?

I'm a lucky girl.

Gearing up...

It's going to be a busy, hectic, fun-filled weekend. It will be my first weekend of the year working at the fantastic Bearcamp Garden and I'm working both days since it is Mother's Day on Sunday... don't forget about your moms! Feel free to come on in and grab her a gorgeous perennial of some sort so she can plant it and remember you every day instead of those cut flowers that only last a week and then start to stink.

The weather really has me going. It is absolutely gorgeous. Spring and Fall are my two favorite times of the year and we are in the throes of the springtime rush. I am happy, excited, twitterpated and ready to get out and get my hands deep into the earth.

Things are sprouting, things are growing and everything is so GREEN! I love it.

Spring time and the livin's getting easier...

Has anyone else noticed the fact that it has been GORGEOUS outside lately? Yes, the bugs have been a little on the obnoxious side, but the weather is warm and sunny, the leaves are all popped out and the lilacs are starting to bloom.

I love walking out the door to the sweet smell of lilacs in the air. It's especially strong when the dew is setting and I just can't stay away. I have been battling the bugs each night just to walk outside and take deep breaths so I can savor that amazing fragrance.

There are somewhere around 30 days of school left and I am ready to be out for the year. It's going to be a busy summer, but there will be plenty of time for fun to be had. I hope to be spending quite a bit of time working, but some of that work will be outside so that will be awesome.

Here's looking forward to good friends, good sun, good food, good fun and so much more!

What month is it again?

So, I woke up this morning and had an odd feeling... I wasn't sure if it was almost May, or if it was the beginning of March. All of this snow junk has got to stop. It's time for sunshine, flowers and unfortunately bugs... I want warm weather, a nice tan and to spend lots and lots of time outside.

It's hard to believe that this week is already halfway over. I am definitely not complaining, though my weekends are going to be lonely-ish from now on since Cyle will be working. That being said, I think this Saturday I am headed to Colby-Sawyer College with my friend Theresa to see my friend Carly and enjoy a Chocolate Festival. Sounds like a good time to me!

Back to school.....

Well, unfortunately my vacation is over. It was a beautiful week, bookended by things that were not so lovely. A funeral on one end and a moose vs. car encounter on the other. Everything in between was pretty darn good though. I have to say.

I was given the beautiful weather I wished for, and I got to spend lots of time out and about doing what I love. I rode, I hiked, I walked my dogs, I helped get the garden started. Soon, we'll have little green shoots poking up, seeking the sunshine, and soon after that, we'll be able to reap the bounty. I can't wait. Fresh veggies from the garden are the best!

Another positive thing is that I got a call back from Starbucks today... they want to interview me and potentially hire me. I'd be down with that. Coffee making, money making and hopefully some serious coffee drinking as well. Sounds like a plan to me.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Too much.

Sometimes it seems like the world just dishes out too much. That's when someone inevitable brings up the good old saying, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," and though I find it irritating as all get out, I have to agree with it. Even now, when I'm feeling like all of the things piling up are sucking the strength and life right out of me, I know that when I get through it, I will be stronger for it.

It relates to the same sort of principle as one of my all-time favorite quotations: "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." My grandmother looked at this quote tattooed on my arm the other day and vehemently disagreed. I can't say I blame her. When you are right in the midst of the sorrow, it's hard to think about the time that will come after. Though the death of someone we love stays with us, and we always have a hollow spot where that sadness lives, it leaves us with that much more room to be full of happiness.

I guess this means I'm thinking along a more positive line today. Good thing.

Creative Juices

Springtime has everyone's creative juices flowing. Mine are flowing sort of on the slow side at the moment though it's getting to be the time when flowers are blooming for me to photograph, but Cyle's have been hopping. This is the trellis that he created for my mom on Saturday.

He walked around in the woods cutting down saplings and wove them all together and buried them in the ground so my mom has something to plant her sweet peas and morning glories around. It is gorgeous.

After he finished that project, he put together a wind chime to hang on it from cans out of the recycling bin. This is the wind chime that my grandfather would have loved.

My contribution to the artistic stylings at the moment is this:

Not only did I photograph this forsythia, I spent about an hour a couple of weeks ago pruning the ever loving snot out of it so that it would bloom well this year. In the past it has gotten a little confused and bloomed in the Fall... definitely the wrong time of year. The Spring pruning definitely paid off though... it's completely covered with flowers and like my mom said yesterday, it's like we have our own sun in the front yard.

My first obituary...

There are many things in this world that irritate me, and one of them is poorly written obituaries in newspapers. No one seems to pay attention or edit them or make sure that they make sense at all. Therefore, I decided this morning that I would be involved in the writing of my grandfather's obituary. It's my first. I hope I don't write lots of them as time goes by. It's definitely not the kind of writing I like to do, but at least I know it won't suck:

James T. Elliott, 77, of Tamworth, NH, died peacefully at his home on April 7, 2010, surrounded by his family. Calling hours will be held at Lord’s Funeral Home, 50 Moultonville Road in Center Ossipee NH 03814 on Friday, April 16^th from 6-8 pm. The service will be held Saturday, April 17^th at 1:00 pm at the South Tamworth Methodist Church on Route 25 in South Tamworth, NH 03883.

Jimmie was born May 25, 1932, to Albert and Gertrude (Berry) Elliott. He graduated from Kennett High School in 1950 and went on to serve in the United States Air Force from 1950-1954 during the Korean Conflict.

In 1958, he became owner/operator of Elliott Brothers Garage, until retiring in 1990. He volunteered for the fire department, Tamworth Finance Committee, and was a member of the Men’s Bowling League. He enjoyed gardening, his grandchildren, watching wildlife in his yard, sitting by the woodstove, his Kubota tractor, cutting his own firewood, NASCAR, the Red Sox, and he had an incredible knack for finding four leaf clovers. He was a unique individual full of ingenious ideas and an incredible love for his family.

He is survived by his wife of 54 years, Dorothy, daughters: Melinda and her husband Peter Heimlich, Melanie and her husband Mark Streeter, Marcia Jayne and her husband Joe Hudak, grandchildren: Casey, Julie, Amanda, Abbey, Dan, Virginia and Josh, and his sister Eleanor Lyman, along with several nieces, nephews and cousins. Jimmie was preceded by his parents, brother Roger and grandson Fred.

Donations can be made in his memory to: The Laura Foundation for Autism & Epilepsy, 1251 Eaton Road, Madison NH 03849, the Make A Wish Foundation of NH, 814 Elm Street, Suite 300, Manchester NH 03101 in memory of his grandson Fred Nathaniel Hatch or The Community School, 1164 Bunker Hill Road, South Tamworth NH 03883. Lord’s Funeral Home is in charge of arrangements.

Happy Bunny Day

It's 10:32 a.m.

Barn? Done.
Waffles? Made... and eaten.
Shower? Taken.
Laundry? In process.
Kale salad? On the docket.

Once again last night... the third Saturday in a row, we had an amazing date night with Jess and Al. Some of Al's ridiculous home cooking, with enough garlic to even satisfy my desires and show Cyle that vegan cooking can be extremely tasty.

Not only was the dinner amazing, the dessert was out of this world. I might even go so far as saying that Al created the perfect cookie. Chocolate, peanut butter, peanuts, chocolate bits... I'm not seeing how that could get much better in any way, and Cyle can't seem to stop eating them either. He has said repeatedly that they're like crack. We were lucky enough to get a to-go plate of them and we've been sucking them down non-stop (that's what she said).

We saw Clash of the Titans. It was decent. It made me want a pegasus worse than I did before. There was some good fighting and the visual stuff was cool, but there wasn't a lot of story to it. I wish that the gods had been more involved and more interesting. Instead it was a whole bunch of Perseus killing stuff... which is fine, but really... what happened to a good storyline?

This spending Saturday evenings together is really rocking my socks off. Hanging out with three of my absolute favorite people in the entire world all at the same time? Hell yes. Thank you all for being the best ones ever.

Now, we're off to the Southern half of the state to have some celebration time and enjoy the sunshine. Hopefully you will too!

It's all Circular

"I cannot control the truth of death, whatever my desperation. I can only make certain that those moments of my life I have remaining are as rich as they can be." - R.A. Salvatore (from The Halfling's Gem)

Funny is not the right word, but it's funny sometimes how things coincide. The weather is changing from dreary and dark to sunny and warm, while simultaneously, the life of someone very dear to me is taking the opposite course. Granted, it's not a sudden thing, but the process has certainly sped up over the course of these last days.

One of the books I read with my students at school, Touching Spirit Bear by Ben Mikaelsen, talks a lot about the circle of life and how as some things bloom, others are fading. Depending on your state of mind, that idea can seem hokey, or it can ring very true. For me at this moment in time, I am hearing the bell.

Though I have dealt with plenty of death and destruction in my life, I have never been through the death of an immediate family member. I know that it is for the best and that when he is free from his broken body, he will be happy again, but that still doesn't erase my attachment to his earthly form. The day is fast approaching that I will have to tackle that thought and I am not looking forward to it.

My grandfather has been a huge part of my life, always. I remember spending days at his garage when I was small. The smell of gasoline and oil to this day bring me back. He took me for rides in his dump truck, or on the back of his motorcycle (just in the driveway of course!). He brought me Necco wafers, or Wintergreen Canada mints (known in our family as pink pills for pale people). Whenever I spent the night at my grandparents house, he would make me toast for breakfast with butter, peanut butter and cinnamon-sugar. My grandfather has meant the world to me, to the point that I named one of my horses after him. When I bred my mare for my Senior Project in high school, it was pre-determined that it would be called JT no matter what. JT for James Theodore. Sometime soon, there will be only one JT involved in my earthly existence. Now I just need to get ready for the reality to hit.

Writing a "new" autobiography...

Well, it was another fantastic weekend. We got to enjoy the fantastic sounds of High Range on Saturday evening at The Theater in the Woods. It was an amazing place, with some equally amazing company. My love and I, along with my Dad, met up with the fabulous Jess and her super other half Al for some dinner Subway style and then proceeded WAY out into the woods to this wild structure that is the Theater in the Woods. I'm not even sure what to call it... it sort of resembles a circus tent on the outside... whatever it is, it is really neat and I would highly recommend you get there if you get a chance. Not only is it a cool place and they have some exciting entertainment, a chunk of the profit goes to support Believe in Books which is a literacy foundation that tries to get books into every kid's hand. Sounds like a plan to me!

I also managed to write a HUGE lump of poetry this weekend. I had most of yesterday all to myself and I used it to my serious advantage. I did some major multi-tasking - kicking the derriere of some laundry whilst writing an autobiographical poem... and all of that after visiting some super scented sugar houses. At any rate, here's the poem... let me know what you think...

The gray days

are piling up

and I need to write my life story

all over again.

It’s one of those times

when the truth

is stranger than fiction

and in some cases

where fantasy

becomes

reality.

Some days my history

just doesn’t add up

to equal my present.

I am a garbled equation

with too many variables

on one side

tipping the balance

in one direction all the time.

I’ve spent years in school

and I still can’t apply

the correct property

to remedy the situation.

I have changed sides

so many times

I don’t remember now

where I began.

Once upon a time

I was a little girl.

I was a little girl

with a pony

and a book in her hand.

Years spent in the sun

that was all I needed.

I felt full.

Comfortable.

At home inside my skin.

And then, everything changed.

From one day to the next

I went from a little girl

with a pony

and a book in her hand –

to a little girl

with nothing but ashes

and memories in her hand.

My heart was not just

broken.

It ceased to exist.

It disappeared simultaneously

the moment I saw

it was all gone.

It was MIA.

No one had seen it.

I couldn’t feel it.

I thought maybe it was gone for good

and I wouldn’t hurt

ever again.

I learned I was wrong

two months later

when a pair of warm brown eyes

planted the seed

that sprouted

and when that sprout flowered

my heart had grown

again.

The heart brought back feeling

and feeling

meant pain.

I hurt for years

and sometimes

I hurt to this day.

As time went on

I prayed.

I kept talking about silver linings

and everything happening

for a reason

but I just wanted

to understand.

I wanted to know

why bad things happen

to good people.

To little girls

with a pony

and a book in their hand.

Unfortunately for me

answers were not forthcoming

from wherever it is

prayers are supposed to be

answered from.

So I just kept saying

all of those things

I was supposed to be

saying

and doing

all of those things

I was supposed to be

doing.

I put myself out there.

I searched for connections.

For love.

For feeling.

For understanding.

For kinship.

And all the while

my soul knew…

It knew there was no more

searching.

No more

seeking.

No more

looking

without finding

because I already found

my other half,

without even looking.

There you were one day.

A fine June afternoon

walking my direction

when I was struck

by this feeling.

A feeling I can’t really describe

but to say that I was

both contented and ecstatic

all at once.

One thought crossed my mind,

“he’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

And I had no idea how right I was.

That summer we forged a friendship.

There was an undeniable bond

and a never-ending daydream on my part

that someday we would be able to be

what I saw in my dreams.

For years I clung to those dreams.

They were my happy place

in a sea of melancholic mastic.

Even though we were separated

by miles

and maybe mistakes

just knowing that you existed

made my days bearable.

I’ve since discovered

that perhaps good things come

to those who wait.

Ten years passed us by

and choices brought us back together.

Connected once again by chance

and I decided I could not let you go.

We started out battling adversity.

You faced the same foe

daily –

fighting against a rip tide

never gaining ground.

All that time we were

searching for something –

searching for salvation –

searching for a reason –

and we became

each other’s something

each other’s salvation

each other’s reason.

We became an island

untouched

in our own personal storm.

We weathered that first torrent

together.

A united front behind the scenes,

heading for the forefront.

And one day it all rose

to a deafening crescendo.

Too many insults

too many wrongs

too much hurt.

You came to me

and together we wrote your very own

emancipation proclamation.

Here we are now

months after

the declaration was made

basking in the fact that we’ve actually made it

this far.

Where will our story go from here?

Admitting impediments...

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
 Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
 Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
 I never writ, nor no man ever loved." 

-William Shakespeare

I am a self-proclaimed "word nerd". I think then that it instantly goes hand in hand that I love 
Shakespeare. My introduction to Shakespeare was very different than most unfortunate high 
school students. Instead of being forced to read the brilliant plays that were always meant for 
performance, we went ahead and performed. We played up the sex and violence. We learned
about the dirty, dirty puns. We used hand gestures to enhance the meanings of those puns. All
in all, it was a darn good time. But anyways, I'm not going to go on a diatribe about how awesome 
Shakespeare is. Not today at least...

Today, I want to talk about how hard it is sometimes for some people (in this case namely me) to 
admit the impediments. I'll say it right now - I am not good at talking about things that I'm not good 
at and unfortunately for me, getting my point across about what I want or need is something that I 
am not good at. 

I am always afraid that I'm going to sound demanding or bitchy when I say that I need some 
attention. I feel like it makes me sound so selfish... So, instead of just saying it, I get pouty and 
grumpy - because that's so much better than sounding demanding right? 

It seems to me that life is a constant process of revelation and some very important things have 
become clear to me recently:

1. Not only is it not my job to "fix" everything, it is also completely impossible. 

2. As long as I'm not making unreasonable demands, I'm not going to come across as demanding
when I ask for something that I need. 

3. The time has come for me to really let it all go and have some faith and that includes having some
faith in myself. 

4. I am lucky enough to have made it this far so when I pair that luck with this new found faith (and
just to clarify, I'm not talking about some new religious devotion... don't panic) everything is going to be okay. 

Mud Season Blues?

Well, it appears that perhaps the end of Winter/beginning of mud season has got me down. Maybe it's just a reaction to all of the beautiful weather that was a tease last week turning to this cold, rainy business... I don't know, but I'm dragging for sure.

I got a good night's sleep last night, which ought to help somewhat, but I think I just need a little sunshine in order to really get feeling right. I don't think we're in line for any of that today, but "it can't rain all the time" so it's bound to improve sometime.

It's a barn night tonight and I am excited for that. It will probably be too yucky for riding, but a good pony snuggle might just help break down this barrier of blue. I am feeling particularly lucky right now to have my love up here with me. Last night he knew I was feeling down and he told me to get on a warm hat, raincoat and my rubber boots... I did and we went down and sat by the river. It was almost like meditation. We sat, silently, and watched the water, and boy was that water flowing fast. It was awesome and so is he.

I guess then the long and short of it is, that even though I'm feeling down... I'm still a lucky girl.

A case of the Mondays... on Tuesday?

I am thinking that due to the weather and the tiredness that just won't quit, I have a case of the "Mondays" on Tuesday.

I am sleepy-eyed and a little bit on the thick-headed side and all I want is to curl up with a cozy blanket, a cup of tea and an awesome book. I have one out of three (yay for the portability of awesome books) and though 33.3333333333333% isn't a total wash, it's not exactly what I am wishing for.

I am thinking that maybe today when I get home from school I'm just going to pass out.

Bam.

Done.

In the door,

jacket off,

bags down,

and up to bed.

The chances of that happening are slim to none, but it's nice to consider anyways. It's always good to consider the likely outcome of that situation too though. I'd sleep from 3:00 to 9:00 and then be WIDE AWAKE for the rest of the night and that wouldn't help me catch up on any of those zzzzzz's I've been missing.

Oh well. I'll get there and besides, I'll have plenty of time to sleep when I'm dead. Life is too short to nap too often.

Weekends, yurts and humming alpacas...

Oh, what a weekend! It was a real weekend. Real, like we socialized and had fun and spent time either doing fun things or doing absolutely nothing.

Friday night was a fantastic bonfire with plenty of friends and good food, including friends that haven't been seen or heard from in these parts in many months. I almost died on the spot when my friend Claire came rolling up the driveway with her fantastically funny significant other Dan. As soon as she arrived, I was reminded once again of just exactly why I adore her. She has the most amazing, sarcastic sense of humor and as it stands, she is my "oldest" friend. We have known each other since the first day of my ninth grade year. In fact, Claire was the first person to speak to me on that stressful and scary first day of high school... and the rest is history. All in all, it was an amazing amalgamation of friends from all of the different pieces and parts of my life and it will be repeated, hopefully with more friends from more facets.

Saturday was a lazy day of recovery from a much later night than I have had in a long time. I saw 2:00 a.m. before I retired and I am still feeling it. Late nights are not my area of expertise. Give me an early morning any day and I'll conquer it. After we got cleaned up and put together, we were headed grocery shopping when a phone call came in announcing a surprise visit from a friend from home. After a very exuberant greeting from his dog, and a great visit, they headed off to finish packing up for their great migration out west. They didn't depart without leaving gifts behind however - we now have our very own colony of bacteria with which to make kombucha. Now we just need to find the recipe so we don't kill the poor little buggers.

As if things weren't awesome enough, Saturday evening got even better with a lovely dinner and coffee date with Jess and Al. After lots of phone tag, we had wonderful vegan foods at The Moat and then some tasty beverages at our lovely local Starbucks. At that point, I was really beginning to feel like a relatively "normal" person. This socializing thing pretty much rocks.

Sunday was a heck of a good day as well! We've been talking about living in a yurt for quite a while now and for the first time ever, we got to actually physically experience one... it was more than either of us could have imagined. There is no way that these pictures do it justice or can come close to evoking the sense and feeling of peace that you get when you walk into this space. The light was the first thing that struck me. The five foot dome in the center of the roof lets in the most beautiful natural light and as soon as I walked in, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of peace and warmth. I was excited at the prospect of living in a yurt before and now I can't wait.

The farm on which we visited the yurt also had a whole bunch of alpacas as well as some amazing free range chickens and turkeys. Not many people realize it, but alpacas have a habit of humming. If you don't know it and you happen to hear them, you might thing you are being haunted by a person involved in a Barbershop Quartet. Their habit of humming is one that my other half and I have picked up. We often will look at each other and let out an exaggerated "hmmmmm." Strange, I know, but so am I. This alpaca in particular looks a little on the grumpy side, but you get the picture.

Aaaannnnnddddd.... aside from the alpacas, as I mentioned, there were a whole mess of fine looking fowl, like these ones:

So anyways... that was my weekend and it was superbly real.

Quotations and the like...

Well, I should start out by saying Happy St. Patrick's Day! It's going to be a gorgeous day too. It's an Early Release day at school... unfortunately it's only the kids who get released early. I'll be stuck here until the regular time, but after that, it's freedom, sunshine and horses. I like that combination.

This quotation was at the beginning of one of the chapters in my book this morning and I had to share it... mostly because I thought Al might get a kick out of it.

"Hard pounding this, gentlemen. Let's see who will pound longest." This quote is attributed to the Duke of Wellington... make of it what you will!

Life Is Good

This past year has brought many, many changes to my life. There have been ups and downs for sure, but for the most part, even though things haven't always been easy, they have been very positive.

For the entirety of my life until not too long ago, I spent a lot more time worrying about other people and what they wanted than who I was and what I wanted. Unfortunately I think it is a trap that lots of young women get caught up in due to their own issues with self esteem and the like. Lord knows I have those kind of issues. It took a long time for me to see that I had value just on my own and I have several people to thank for that.

First off, my very best friend Jess deserves a huge round of applause for always being there for me when I need her. We've only been friends for about a year now, but it feels like we have always been friends. We have so much in common and she really and truly cares. She was one of the first people to really value me for who I am - all of the weirdness included - and love me just like this. Unconditional love is a very special and very rare occurrence.

Another person that has become very near and dear to my heart is Jess's fantastic significant other, Al. He is one of the most intelligent and insightful people I have ever encountered and I consider myself very lucky that he regards me as an intelligent person in turn. Spending time with either, or both of them is one of my favorite things to do. Great people. Great conversation. What more could you ask for?

Next up is one young Miss Megan. This young lady has one of the biggest hearts and probably the strongest shoulders of any 17 year old I have run across. She has kept me talking, and thinking and breathing through all of the times I have needed those reminders. She has taken on the burden of listening to my paranoid ramblings, my insecure tirades, and my incessant questions about whether I am really worth it. Not only, in fact, did she take on that burden; she has carried it around without complaining one bit and has had the ability to always make me smile. I can only imagine what incredible things her growth into adulthood will bring.

I am forever thankful for my family. There are times that they drive me up a wall, but for the most part, they are always behind me, every step of the way, providing any and all kinds of support they can think of. A roof over my head, a shoulder to cry on, a kind ear to listen, bad, bad jokes to make me laugh, and enough love to make me feel warm on the coldest day of the year. (I'd say it's important to note that when I mention my family, I don't just mean people who are related to me by blood. In my mind, there's a lot more to family than a little shared DeoxyriboNucleic Acid.)

Another big dose of thanks needs to go to my other half. Lots of people throw that term around when they're discussing their spouses, but I don't think many people are able to use it with the amount of seriousness I do. There are certain things in life that are just written in the stars. You just have to learn how to play your cards right to win the pot and though I've always been terrible at card games, I think I've got something figured out at this point.

At any rate - thank you all for everything you've done to shepherd me in the right direction and support me on my journey. Though I don't particularly care for the T-shirts, I am willing to say that "Life Is Good".