Hard to say...

Have you ever been asked a question that you couldn't answer? Not that you didn't want to, or something mathematical that you didn't have the formula to solve, but a question that you can't answer. Something that you don't understand about your very own self, that someone else wants to know.

I hadn't, until last night. Someone essentially asked me why I am the way I am. Why my brain works the way it does. Why when someone is upset, I automatically blame myself and try to make it better.

I tried to answer. I really did. Every time I tried though, I just blamed myself.

It's really got me thinking now.

I've always been like that (I think).

I know logically speaking that it makes no sense whatsoever.

I understand that it's extremely ego-centric for me to believe that regardless of what it is, it is my fault.

All of that aside, I feel like that most of the time and I can't for the life of me explain why. I wish I could.

If I could explain it, then maybe I could fix it. Maybe I could change the way I feel and the way my brain seems to function. I would spend so much less time feeling guilty for things that are not my fault and be able to spend more time enjoying.

I worry too much. That is a fact.

I have terrible self-esteem. Another fact.

I feel that when things are good, that means that the apocalypse is looming. Sad, but true fact.

Maybe it's because of the sadness and anger I haven't yet worked through from the barn burning when I was twelve...

Maybe it's my out of control hormones that make me feel terrible about myself on a regular basis...

Maybe there is too much fiction floating around in my head and I need to make a concerted effort to get it down on paper more often...

Maybe I need to keep up with my blog...

So many maybes and no definitive answers. Maybe now that it's swimming around in the soup that is my brain, I'll come to a conclusion of some sort.

One can only hope.