It's Been a While...

Peonies bloom
in a burst of color
and intoxicating scent.
White petals
sprinkled with dew
drooping
under the weight of expectation.
Perfect globes encase
the beginnings of each masterpiece
while ants parade
through pollination -
their tiny feet
encouraging flowers
to come forth and greet the sun.

He loved peonies.
All shades -
baby pink to magenta,
all variations in between.
His hands
once roughened by work,
then softened by age,
would cup a blossom
gently
like handling a newborn grandchild
and bring it to his face
just a ghost of a kiss
and whisper of appreciation.

Really April??

Well, there goes my pledge to blog once monthly, and apparently there goes the idea that Spring was going to be on time this year. April 1st (rabbit, rabbit, by the way) and we're getting a foot of snow?! Who does that? Apparently we do, whether we want to or not.

Honestly, there's not much to report from here. Things are chugging along as they have been for quite some time now. On a positive note, my wonderful friend Ashley is reading over my poetry manuscript for me so that I can move forward with that. I am looking forward to getting some feedback and getting that ball rolling at some point in time.

Other than that, the dogs are good, the horses are good, the people are good. All in all, it's all good.

Good friends, good times, the good life. That about sums it up. Other than the late snow. It can go suck an egg.

A little more frequency Kenneth?

It's wild when suddenly, out of the blue, you are stopped in your tracks by the intense and unmistakeable ache of missing someone.

It's not exactly something that gets talked about either. It should, but it seems like our culture does not condone public mourning. Other cultures shriek and moan and tear out their hair and wear black for months to commemorate the passing of a person you love. Here, you cry, you have a funeral, and life is supposed to just go on. People are just left lonely in their own mournful bubble.

My grandfather has been gone for almost a year now. Really, almost eleven months, and it feels like I just saw him yesterday. It hasn't hit me that he doesn't exist anymore. April 7, 2010 was the last day he took a breath on this Earth and now he is no longer.

Sometimes I still expect to see him in all of the places that I used to see him. I expect to drive by his sawmill and see him out there sawing out a load of bird's eye maple for someone, or a load of white oak flooring. Then, I drive by and remember that the sawmill is gone and that he wouldn't be able to use it, even if it were still there.

I was struck by a memory today as I was driving on old Route 25, which I am sure has some other name now. I remembered thinking I was so grown up one day, shortly after I got my license because I picked up a Cookies'N'Creme Crunch Bar and a Sprite and I took them to him. He had a sweet tooth like no other and he was so surprised and happy to see me when I pulled up and got out of the car. It was a simple memory of something that happened twelve or so years ago, but it hit me like a hurricane.

Apologies

“So sorry for your loss.”

A phrase that echoes from innumerable mouths

and I just wish I could reply…

“He is not ‘lost’,” I want to say,

though we do not know

exactly

where he is.

He is gone.

Never again to walk along garden rows

finding four leaf clovers and mayflowers.

Never again to savor a chocolate

at Christmastime.

Never again to wash dirty hands

with Lava soap

or hold my hand in his.

His hat hangs on the chair –

unworn

as I ache for another glimpse of him

in my dreams.

Oh geez....

So, maybe this is going to become a once a month kind of thing... I do have a lot to say, I swear. I guess there's just not enough time to say it in.

January flew by. Life is good. My taxes are done. My least favorite month of the year has arrived, but I'm working hard on changing my view. Just because I crossed out the "February" on my calendar and wrote in "F*&%uary" doesn't mean I'm not trying... right?

It's a tough month. Lots of anniversaries of things that don't bring about happy memories. February has been a month of loss for me historically and as they say, history repeats itself. At least I suppose it has a tendency to though there's no guarantee.

I'm thinking maybe that's what I need to focus on. "Life is Not a Guarantee". It's a great song by a great bluegrass band, Kickin' Grass. We saw them at the Pemi-Valley Bluegrass Festival last year and fell instantly in love. That song is definitely my favorite. It spoke to both of us pretty intensely. It's certainly worth a listen.

This February (knock on wood) has started out well. I've spent time with people I love, doing things that I love. Got a beautiful new tattoo yesterday from my very best friend Jess, after a big, fantastic breakfast of the most delicious pancakes ever, made by her significant other and another one of my very best friends, Albert.

Not much to complain about in my world and I intend to keep it that way!

Let a New Year Ring

Well, obviously it's pretty clear that I'm not so good at keeping up with this blog business anymore... I haven't posted anything since November 14th and that's quite a while. Oops. I get busy with other things and I just don't think to make time for my blog.

At any rate, I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. I think they are just a surefire way to set yourself up for failure. People have a hard time creating reasonable goals and resolutions for themselves and then they don't follow through. I am sure that some people have the guts and gumption to do it, but I'm just not one of them. It's too daunting to me to set out a big goal for myself for the new year.

I will say this however; I have been working hard year round recently to improve my life. I've made changes that have brought me in a much better direction than the one I was heading. I am happy and though my situation isn't exactly ideal, it's perfect. I couldn't ask for anything more or anything different.

I am surrounded by the people that I love and those who love me for who I am. I have the greatest friends a person could ask for and I have my other half. I am complete, whole, full and satisfied. Thank you world, spirits, omniscient presences, ancestors, ghosts, whoever you may be who are helping me out and pointing me in the right direction. I appreciate your influences that have helped to bring me where I am today.

May everyone have a Happy New Year full of bountiful blessings, health and love.

No words.

If I were any more introspective....

I'd have turned inside out by now.

I have been having some early morning epiphanies after some long, hard night time thinking. I think the saying, "sleep on it" is a misnomer. When you're thinking about something overnight... there's not much sleep to be had.

I got into one of those moods this weekend where I felt like everything in the world was overwhelming. Everything was piling up on me and I couldn't handle it anymore. It had me irritated and irritable for most of the weekend.

I will go so far as to blame at least part of it on monthly hormonal shifts that affect the way I think, but I was thinking about it this morning and I realized that I really have no reason to get overwhelmed and upset about things that I have committed myself to. It's not like someone is holding me hostage, saying that I have to do laundry for both of us... or that I have to pack two lunches every day. These are things I have chosen to do, because I want to do them.

It's all a part of the balance. We do things for each other because we love each other and though it might feel irritating or overwhelming sometimes, it's just a part of how relationships roll.

On another note, we had a FANTASTIC harvest/Halloween dinner at Jess and Al's last night. Each time I have the opportunity to partake of Al's culinary cuisine, I am amazed at the flavors he blends. Last night, he made an acorn squash, stuffed with wild rice and a special homemade cranberry glaze.... to say it was delectable wouldn't even come close. It was a palate pleaser and then some.

The food was great, the company was even better adn I'm feeling like a human being again. Good combination all around.