Writing a "new" autobiography...

Well, it was another fantastic weekend. We got to enjoy the fantastic sounds of High Range on Saturday evening at The Theater in the Woods. It was an amazing place, with some equally amazing company. My love and I, along with my Dad, met up with the fabulous Jess and her super other half Al for some dinner Subway style and then proceeded WAY out into the woods to this wild structure that is the Theater in the Woods. I'm not even sure what to call it... it sort of resembles a circus tent on the outside... whatever it is, it is really neat and I would highly recommend you get there if you get a chance. Not only is it a cool place and they have some exciting entertainment, a chunk of the profit goes to support Believe in Books which is a literacy foundation that tries to get books into every kid's hand. Sounds like a plan to me!

I also managed to write a HUGE lump of poetry this weekend. I had most of yesterday all to myself and I used it to my serious advantage. I did some major multi-tasking - kicking the derriere of some laundry whilst writing an autobiographical poem... and all of that after visiting some super scented sugar houses. At any rate, here's the poem... let me know what you think...

The gray days

are piling up

and I need to write my life story

all over again.

It’s one of those times

when the truth

is stranger than fiction

and in some cases

where fantasy

becomes

reality.

Some days my history

just doesn’t add up

to equal my present.

I am a garbled equation

with too many variables

on one side

tipping the balance

in one direction all the time.

I’ve spent years in school

and I still can’t apply

the correct property

to remedy the situation.

I have changed sides

so many times

I don’t remember now

where I began.

Once upon a time

I was a little girl.

I was a little girl

with a pony

and a book in her hand.

Years spent in the sun

that was all I needed.

I felt full.

Comfortable.

At home inside my skin.

And then, everything changed.

From one day to the next

I went from a little girl

with a pony

and a book in her hand –

to a little girl

with nothing but ashes

and memories in her hand.

My heart was not just

broken.

It ceased to exist.

It disappeared simultaneously

the moment I saw

it was all gone.

It was MIA.

No one had seen it.

I couldn’t feel it.

I thought maybe it was gone for good

and I wouldn’t hurt

ever again.

I learned I was wrong

two months later

when a pair of warm brown eyes

planted the seed

that sprouted

and when that sprout flowered

my heart had grown

again.

The heart brought back feeling

and feeling

meant pain.

I hurt for years

and sometimes

I hurt to this day.

As time went on

I prayed.

I kept talking about silver linings

and everything happening

for a reason

but I just wanted

to understand.

I wanted to know

why bad things happen

to good people.

To little girls

with a pony

and a book in their hand.

Unfortunately for me

answers were not forthcoming

from wherever it is

prayers are supposed to be

answered from.

So I just kept saying

all of those things

I was supposed to be

saying

and doing

all of those things

I was supposed to be

doing.

I put myself out there.

I searched for connections.

For love.

For feeling.

For understanding.

For kinship.

And all the while

my soul knew…

It knew there was no more

searching.

No more

seeking.

No more

looking

without finding

because I already found

my other half,

without even looking.

There you were one day.

A fine June afternoon

walking my direction

when I was struck

by this feeling.

A feeling I can’t really describe

but to say that I was

both contented and ecstatic

all at once.

One thought crossed my mind,

“he’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

And I had no idea how right I was.

That summer we forged a friendship.

There was an undeniable bond

and a never-ending daydream on my part

that someday we would be able to be

what I saw in my dreams.

For years I clung to those dreams.

They were my happy place

in a sea of melancholic mastic.

Even though we were separated

by miles

and maybe mistakes

just knowing that you existed

made my days bearable.

I’ve since discovered

that perhaps good things come

to those who wait.

Ten years passed us by

and choices brought us back together.

Connected once again by chance

and I decided I could not let you go.

We started out battling adversity.

You faced the same foe

daily –

fighting against a rip tide

never gaining ground.

All that time we were

searching for something –

searching for salvation –

searching for a reason –

and we became

each other’s something

each other’s salvation

each other’s reason.

We became an island

untouched

in our own personal storm.

We weathered that first torrent

together.

A united front behind the scenes,

heading for the forefront.

And one day it all rose

to a deafening crescendo.

Too many insults

too many wrongs

too much hurt.

You came to me

and together we wrote your very own

emancipation proclamation.

Here we are now

months after

the declaration was made

basking in the fact that we’ve actually made it

this far.

Where will our story go from here?

Admitting impediments...

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
 Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
 Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
 I never writ, nor no man ever loved." 

-William Shakespeare

I am a self-proclaimed "word nerd". I think then that it instantly goes hand in hand that I love 
Shakespeare. My introduction to Shakespeare was very different than most unfortunate high 
school students. Instead of being forced to read the brilliant plays that were always meant for 
performance, we went ahead and performed. We played up the sex and violence. We learned
about the dirty, dirty puns. We used hand gestures to enhance the meanings of those puns. All
in all, it was a darn good time. But anyways, I'm not going to go on a diatribe about how awesome 
Shakespeare is. Not today at least...

Today, I want to talk about how hard it is sometimes for some people (in this case namely me) to 
admit the impediments. I'll say it right now - I am not good at talking about things that I'm not good 
at and unfortunately for me, getting my point across about what I want or need is something that I 
am not good at. 

I am always afraid that I'm going to sound demanding or bitchy when I say that I need some 
attention. I feel like it makes me sound so selfish... So, instead of just saying it, I get pouty and 
grumpy - because that's so much better than sounding demanding right? 

It seems to me that life is a constant process of revelation and some very important things have 
become clear to me recently:

1. Not only is it not my job to "fix" everything, it is also completely impossible. 

2. As long as I'm not making unreasonable demands, I'm not going to come across as demanding
when I ask for something that I need. 

3. The time has come for me to really let it all go and have some faith and that includes having some
faith in myself. 

4. I am lucky enough to have made it this far so when I pair that luck with this new found faith (and
just to clarify, I'm not talking about some new religious devotion... don't panic) everything is going to be okay. 

Mud Season Blues?

Well, it appears that perhaps the end of Winter/beginning of mud season has got me down. Maybe it's just a reaction to all of the beautiful weather that was a tease last week turning to this cold, rainy business... I don't know, but I'm dragging for sure.

I got a good night's sleep last night, which ought to help somewhat, but I think I just need a little sunshine in order to really get feeling right. I don't think we're in line for any of that today, but "it can't rain all the time" so it's bound to improve sometime.

It's a barn night tonight and I am excited for that. It will probably be too yucky for riding, but a good pony snuggle might just help break down this barrier of blue. I am feeling particularly lucky right now to have my love up here with me. Last night he knew I was feeling down and he told me to get on a warm hat, raincoat and my rubber boots... I did and we went down and sat by the river. It was almost like meditation. We sat, silently, and watched the water, and boy was that water flowing fast. It was awesome and so is he.

I guess then the long and short of it is, that even though I'm feeling down... I'm still a lucky girl.

A case of the Mondays... on Tuesday?

I am thinking that due to the weather and the tiredness that just won't quit, I have a case of the "Mondays" on Tuesday.

I am sleepy-eyed and a little bit on the thick-headed side and all I want is to curl up with a cozy blanket, a cup of tea and an awesome book. I have one out of three (yay for the portability of awesome books) and though 33.3333333333333% isn't a total wash, it's not exactly what I am wishing for.

I am thinking that maybe today when I get home from school I'm just going to pass out.

Bam.

Done.

In the door,

jacket off,

bags down,

and up to bed.

The chances of that happening are slim to none, but it's nice to consider anyways. It's always good to consider the likely outcome of that situation too though. I'd sleep from 3:00 to 9:00 and then be WIDE AWAKE for the rest of the night and that wouldn't help me catch up on any of those zzzzzz's I've been missing.

Oh well. I'll get there and besides, I'll have plenty of time to sleep when I'm dead. Life is too short to nap too often.

Weekends, yurts and humming alpacas...

Oh, what a weekend! It was a real weekend. Real, like we socialized and had fun and spent time either doing fun things or doing absolutely nothing.

Friday night was a fantastic bonfire with plenty of friends and good food, including friends that haven't been seen or heard from in these parts in many months. I almost died on the spot when my friend Claire came rolling up the driveway with her fantastically funny significant other Dan. As soon as she arrived, I was reminded once again of just exactly why I adore her. She has the most amazing, sarcastic sense of humor and as it stands, she is my "oldest" friend. We have known each other since the first day of my ninth grade year. In fact, Claire was the first person to speak to me on that stressful and scary first day of high school... and the rest is history. All in all, it was an amazing amalgamation of friends from all of the different pieces and parts of my life and it will be repeated, hopefully with more friends from more facets.

Saturday was a lazy day of recovery from a much later night than I have had in a long time. I saw 2:00 a.m. before I retired and I am still feeling it. Late nights are not my area of expertise. Give me an early morning any day and I'll conquer it. After we got cleaned up and put together, we were headed grocery shopping when a phone call came in announcing a surprise visit from a friend from home. After a very exuberant greeting from his dog, and a great visit, they headed off to finish packing up for their great migration out west. They didn't depart without leaving gifts behind however - we now have our very own colony of bacteria with which to make kombucha. Now we just need to find the recipe so we don't kill the poor little buggers.

As if things weren't awesome enough, Saturday evening got even better with a lovely dinner and coffee date with Jess and Al. After lots of phone tag, we had wonderful vegan foods at The Moat and then some tasty beverages at our lovely local Starbucks. At that point, I was really beginning to feel like a relatively "normal" person. This socializing thing pretty much rocks.

Sunday was a heck of a good day as well! We've been talking about living in a yurt for quite a while now and for the first time ever, we got to actually physically experience one... it was more than either of us could have imagined. There is no way that these pictures do it justice or can come close to evoking the sense and feeling of peace that you get when you walk into this space. The light was the first thing that struck me. The five foot dome in the center of the roof lets in the most beautiful natural light and as soon as I walked in, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of peace and warmth. I was excited at the prospect of living in a yurt before and now I can't wait.

The farm on which we visited the yurt also had a whole bunch of alpacas as well as some amazing free range chickens and turkeys. Not many people realize it, but alpacas have a habit of humming. If you don't know it and you happen to hear them, you might thing you are being haunted by a person involved in a Barbershop Quartet. Their habit of humming is one that my other half and I have picked up. We often will look at each other and let out an exaggerated "hmmmmm." Strange, I know, but so am I. This alpaca in particular looks a little on the grumpy side, but you get the picture.

Aaaannnnnddddd.... aside from the alpacas, as I mentioned, there were a whole mess of fine looking fowl, like these ones:

So anyways... that was my weekend and it was superbly real.

Quotations and the like...

Well, I should start out by saying Happy St. Patrick's Day! It's going to be a gorgeous day too. It's an Early Release day at school... unfortunately it's only the kids who get released early. I'll be stuck here until the regular time, but after that, it's freedom, sunshine and horses. I like that combination.

This quotation was at the beginning of one of the chapters in my book this morning and I had to share it... mostly because I thought Al might get a kick out of it.

"Hard pounding this, gentlemen. Let's see who will pound longest." This quote is attributed to the Duke of Wellington... make of it what you will!

Life Is Good

This past year has brought many, many changes to my life. There have been ups and downs for sure, but for the most part, even though things haven't always been easy, they have been very positive.

For the entirety of my life until not too long ago, I spent a lot more time worrying about other people and what they wanted than who I was and what I wanted. Unfortunately I think it is a trap that lots of young women get caught up in due to their own issues with self esteem and the like. Lord knows I have those kind of issues. It took a long time for me to see that I had value just on my own and I have several people to thank for that.

First off, my very best friend Jess deserves a huge round of applause for always being there for me when I need her. We've only been friends for about a year now, but it feels like we have always been friends. We have so much in common and she really and truly cares. She was one of the first people to really value me for who I am - all of the weirdness included - and love me just like this. Unconditional love is a very special and very rare occurrence.

Another person that has become very near and dear to my heart is Jess's fantastic significant other, Al. He is one of the most intelligent and insightful people I have ever encountered and I consider myself very lucky that he regards me as an intelligent person in turn. Spending time with either, or both of them is one of my favorite things to do. Great people. Great conversation. What more could you ask for?

Next up is one young Miss Megan. This young lady has one of the biggest hearts and probably the strongest shoulders of any 17 year old I have run across. She has kept me talking, and thinking and breathing through all of the times I have needed those reminders. She has taken on the burden of listening to my paranoid ramblings, my insecure tirades, and my incessant questions about whether I am really worth it. Not only, in fact, did she take on that burden; she has carried it around without complaining one bit and has had the ability to always make me smile. I can only imagine what incredible things her growth into adulthood will bring.

I am forever thankful for my family. There are times that they drive me up a wall, but for the most part, they are always behind me, every step of the way, providing any and all kinds of support they can think of. A roof over my head, a shoulder to cry on, a kind ear to listen, bad, bad jokes to make me laugh, and enough love to make me feel warm on the coldest day of the year. (I'd say it's important to note that when I mention my family, I don't just mean people who are related to me by blood. In my mind, there's a lot more to family than a little shared DeoxyriboNucleic Acid.)

Another big dose of thanks needs to go to my other half. Lots of people throw that term around when they're discussing their spouses, but I don't think many people are able to use it with the amount of seriousness I do. There are certain things in life that are just written in the stars. You just have to learn how to play your cards right to win the pot and though I've always been terrible at card games, I think I've got something figured out at this point.

At any rate - thank you all for everything you've done to shepherd me in the right direction and support me on my journey. Though I don't particularly care for the T-shirts, I am willing to say that "Life Is Good".

One more thing...

I meant to post this before, but I forgot I had it. Here is the pony, Tucker, that I fell in love with and miss like crazy. Cute isn't he?

Hooray!

Now here's a question for you... where did I wake up this morning!?

You don't know? Well... I woke up in Tamworth, New Hampshire in my very own bed! For the last four months or so, Monday mornings have been a bit of a challenge. They've been early, early, early with a LONG drive to school, but it's official. Those days are over and done with.

No more four a.m. Monday morning wake up calls.

No more hour and forty-five minute drives to school.

No more grumpy Casey on Mondays.

You know what? It feels pretty darn good too.

Miracle Diet?

Want to slim down for beach season?

Want to shave off the pounds quickly and easily?

Want to lose ten pounds in four days?

Sounds like a good idea doesn't it? Quick, easy, ten pounds?

Riiiiiight...

The miracle diet I'm referring to is the good old flu virus. Between last Friday and yesterday, I lost ten pounds. I hopped on the scale last night just for giggles to see and I almost fell right over when I saw the drastic change in the numbers.

I will admit, I had been wishing that I could lose those last ten pounds, but if I had known my wish was going to come true in this fashion... I'm not sure I would have kept the wish going.

At any rate, the ten pounds weight loss (that most likely won't last since chances are it was mostly the fluids I lost) is going to be the silver lining to my flu-riddled weekend. That and a couple of extra days of R&R with the one I love. Not a bad dividend if you ask me.

It's over!

It's official. It's over. The month of February (see it's other name in previous postings) is gone, gone, gone and thank goodness for that! As I have mentioned before, so many bad things have happened in February's past that the entire month just makes me a little on the nervous side. Now that nervous tension is gone and March has entered our lives, definitely on the lamb-ish side.

The only unfortunate thing about the beginning of March is that I seem to be spending it recuperating from the flu. I haven't had the bona fide, puking my guts out, body aching like there's no tomorrow flu since I was about nine years old. That's getting to be quite a while ago these days. Way back then when I was sick, my grandfather brought me Pink Pills for Pale People (also know as pink Canada mints) and ginger ale and I started to feel much better. This time around, my fantastic other half did the favor for me and it worked the same magic. Though I have been living on the Pink Pills now for a couple of days, I am finally on the upswing and maybe I'll be able to eat something real someday soon.

At any rate, I am feeling better and I like that.