The Airing of my Unmentionables

2011-10-15T14:18:00.002-04:00

Long times are passing as this fall seems to be drawing to an early close.

School's back in session, times two for me at this point.
Two nights a week at night school is proving to be a challenge, but one I am sure I can conquer.

Horses are getting fuzzy, my nearly naked dogs are growing hair on their bellies, and time is generally passing quickly. Too quickly I think sometimes and others I think it doesn't go fast enough. I should know better at this point than to wish away time though. We are only gifted with so much of it to begin with and I'm a fan of using it wisely and enjoying it.

Change is in the air. The leaves are changing, the temperature is changing and I am changing as well. I'm trying to turn over a new leaf in life. I've been working for a while now on being true to myself and I think I'm actually getting there. I'm listening to my heart and following what I love and that is what I'd like to keep working on.

I'm in the very last year of my twenties and I'd like to make the most of it. Publishing of poetry, discovering confidence in myself, nurturing the great friendships I've developed... They are all on the to do list.

Thank you to all of the special ones for making it all possible. You know who you are.

Summer draws to a close...

2011-08-20T20:44:00.001-04:00

Again, it's been quite a while since I've "blogged". I think I've been a little busy this summer!

We grew a gorgeous garden for Bearcamp Garden, where our veggies are for sale, and we have another, equally gorgeous garden at home where we've been working on meeting our goal of preserving enough vegetables to keep us through the winter and we're well on our way!

Change is in the air... seasons are coming to a close, as are phases, and new adventures are looming on the horizon. Hopefully, they'll be fruitful and fun.

Here's to hoping.

And here's to being thankful for amazing friends who always lend an ear to listen, or a shoulder to lean on. You guys are the best ones.

It's Been a While...

2011-06-28T09:28:00.002-04:00

Peonies bloom
in a burst of color
and intoxicating scent.
White petals
sprinkled with dew
drooping
under the weight of expectation.
Perfect globes encase
the beginnings of each masterpiece
while ants parade
through pollination -
their tiny feet
encouraging flowers
to come forth and greet the sun.

He loved peonies.
All shades -
baby pink to magenta,
all variations in between.
His hands
once roughened by work,
then softened by age,
would cup a blossom
gently
like handling a newborn grandchild
and bring it to his face
just a ghost of a kiss
and whisper of appreciation.

Really April??

2011-04-01T07:00:00.002-04:00

Well, there goes my pledge to blog once monthly, and apparently there goes the idea that Spring was going to be on time this year. April 1st (rabbit, rabbit, by the way) and we're getting a foot of snow?! Who does that? Apparently we do, whether we want to or not.

Honestly, there's not much to report from here. Things are chugging along as they have been for quite some time now. On a positive note, my wonderful friend Ashley is reading over my poetry manuscript for me so that I can move forward with that. I am looking forward to getting some feedback and getting that ball rolling at some point in time.

Other than that, the dogs are good, the horses are good, the people are good. All in all, it's all good.

Good friends, good times, the good life. That about sums it up. Other than the late snow. It can go suck an egg.

A little more frequency Kenneth?

2011-02-22T17:29:00.003-05:00

It's wild when suddenly, out of the blue, you are stopped in your tracks by the intense and unmistakeable ache of missing someone.

It's not exactly something that gets talked about either. It should, but it seems like our culture does not condone public mourning. Other cultures shriek and moan and tear out their hair and wear black for months to commemorate the passing of a person you love. Here, you cry, you have a funeral, and life is supposed to just go on. People are just left lonely in their own mournful bubble.

My grandfather has been gone for almost a year now. Really, almost eleven months, and it feels like I just saw him yesterday. It hasn't hit me that he doesn't exist anymore. April 7, 2010 was the last day he took a breath on this Earth and now he is no longer.

Sometimes I still expect to see him in all of the places that I used to see him. I expect to drive by his sawmill and see him out there sawing out a load of bird's eye maple for someone, or a load of white oak flooring. Then, I drive by and remember that the sawmill is gone and that he wouldn't be able to use it, even if it were still there.

I was struck by a memory today as I was driving on old Route 25, which I am sure has some other name now. I remembered thinking I was so grown up one day, shortly after I got my license because I picked up a Cookies'N'Creme Crunch Bar and a Sprite and I took them to him. He had a sweet tooth like no other and he was so surprised and happy to see me when I pulled up and got out of the car. It was a simple memory of something that happened twelve or so years ago, but it hit me like a hurricane.

Apologies

“So sorry for your loss.”

A phrase that echoes from innumerable mouths

and I just wish I could reply…

“He is not ‘lost’,” I want to say,

though we do not know

exactly

where he is.

He is gone.

Never again to walk along garden rows

finding four leaf clovers and mayflowers.

Never again to savor a chocolate

at Christmastime.

Never again to wash dirty hands

with Lava soap

or hold my hand in his.

His hat hangs on the chair –

unworn

as I ache for another glimpse of him

in my dreams.

Oh geez....

2011-02-10T19:56:00.000-05:00

So, maybe this is going to become a once a month kind of thing... I do have a lot to say, I swear. I guess there's just not enough time to say it in.

January flew by. Life is good. My taxes are done. My least favorite month of the year has arrived, but I'm working hard on changing my view. Just because I crossed out the "February" on my calendar and wrote in "F*&%uary" doesn't mean I'm not trying... right?

It's a tough month. Lots of anniversaries of things that don't bring about happy memories. February has been a month of loss for me historically and as they say, history repeats itself. At least I suppose it has a tendency to though there's no guarantee.

I'm thinking maybe that's what I need to focus on. "Life is Not a Guarantee". It's a great song by a great bluegrass band, Kickin' Grass. We saw them at the Pemi-Valley Bluegrass Festival last year and fell instantly in love. That song is definitely my favorite. It spoke to both of us pretty intensely. It's certainly worth a listen.

This February (knock on wood) has started out well. I've spent time with people I love, doing things that I love. Got a beautiful new tattoo yesterday from my very best friend Jess, after a big, fantastic breakfast of the most delicious pancakes ever, made by her significant other and another one of my very best friends, Albert.

Not much to complain about in my world and I intend to keep it that way!

Let a New Year Ring

2011-01-01T09:05:00.003-05:00

Well, obviously it's pretty clear that I'm not so good at keeping up with this blog business anymore... I haven't posted anything since November 14th and that's quite a while. Oops. I get busy with other things and I just don't think to make time for my blog.

At any rate, I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. I think they are just a surefire way to set yourself up for failure. People have a hard time creating reasonable goals and resolutions for themselves and then they don't follow through. I am sure that some people have the guts and gumption to do it, but I'm just not one of them. It's too daunting to me to set out a big goal for myself for the new year.

I will say this however; I have been working hard year round recently to improve my life. I've made changes that have brought me in a much better direction than the one I was heading. I am happy and though my situation isn't exactly ideal, it's perfect. I couldn't ask for anything more or anything different.

I am surrounded by the people that I love and those who love me for who I am. I have the greatest friends a person could ask for and I have my other half. I am complete, whole, full and satisfied. Thank you world, spirits, omniscient presences, ancestors, ghosts, whoever you may be who are helping me out and pointing me in the right direction. I appreciate your influences that have helped to bring me where I am today.

May everyone have a Happy New Year full of bountiful blessings, health and love.

No words.

2010-11-14T13:54:00.015-05:00

If I were any more introspective....

2010-11-01T08:47:00.003-04:00

I'd have turned inside out by now.

I have been having some early morning epiphanies after some long, hard night time thinking. I think the saying, "sleep on it" is a misnomer. When you're thinking about something overnight... there's not much sleep to be had.

I got into one of those moods this weekend where I felt like everything in the world was overwhelming. Everything was piling up on me and I couldn't handle it anymore. It had me irritated and irritable for most of the weekend.

I will go so far as to blame at least part of it on monthly hormonal shifts that affect the way I think, but I was thinking about it this morning and I realized that I really have no reason to get overwhelmed and upset about things that I have committed myself to. It's not like someone is holding me hostage, saying that I have to do laundry for both of us... or that I have to pack two lunches every day. These are things I have chosen to do, because I want to do them.

It's all a part of the balance. We do things for each other because we love each other and though it might feel irritating or overwhelming sometimes, it's just a part of how relationships roll.

On another note, we had a FANTASTIC harvest/Halloween dinner at Jess and Al's last night. Each time I have the opportunity to partake of Al's culinary cuisine, I am amazed at the flavors he blends. Last night, he made an acorn squash, stuffed with wild rice and a special homemade cranberry glaze.... to say it was delectable wouldn't even come close. It was a palate pleaser and then some.

The food was great, the company was even better adn I'm feeling like a human being again. Good combination all around.

Apathy, ignorance and the evils of the snooze button.

2010-10-28T14:16:00.002-04:00

Once again, I've had a long stretch of time in between posts. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I haven't had the gumption. I've been lacking get up and go because my get up and go, got up and went and I'm not quite sure where it got to.

The end of October is fast approaching. I can't believe that fall has come and gone like this. It's my favorite time of year and I have enjoyed it, just not for long enough! The leaves are finishing up with their falling and the trees look pretty darn good naked. I'm just saying... there's something special about the spectre of a nearly nude deciduous dendrological design. I'm a fan. A big one.

Honestly I think the reason for my absence from life in general is that the apathy is getting to me. I have been able to hold it off and keep it at bay for a long time, but it's wearing me down. Everywhere I turn, there it is. Students, fellow teachers, the world in general is well on it's way to a giant apex of apathetic B.S. and I don't mean Bachelor of Science.

Ignorance is coming in a close second in this race to drive us all toward the duldrums. You don't have to be uneducated to be ignorant and I've discovered there are plenty of people in this world who have degrees coming out their ears and they are more ignorant that a person who may not have finished the 9th grade. There's not one way to do things, there's not one path to choose. If you open your eyes and allow yourself to be available... good things will surely come your way.

I was planning on ranting a little more, but I'm quickly running out of steam. The sun is shining and I'm desperate to get out and enjoy it. Days are coming where sunshine will come at a premium and 60 degrees will be months away. Here's to enjoying the goodness while it lasts and looking forward to it's eventual return... Contrary to some people's beliefs, winter's not so bad either in my book. There's nothing like the silence after a good snow storm. That's the kind of quiet I can really sink my teeth into.

Hard to say...

2010-10-03T07:30:00.002-04:00

Have you ever been asked a question that you couldn't answer? Not that you didn't want to, or something mathematical that you didn't have the formula to solve, but a question that you can't answer. Something that you don't understand about your very own self, that someone else wants to know.

I hadn't, until last night. Someone essentially asked me why I am the way I am. Why my brain works the way it does. Why when someone is upset, I automatically blame myself and try to make it better.

I tried to answer. I really did. Every time I tried though, I just blamed myself.

It's really got me thinking now.

I've always been like that (I think).

I know logically speaking that it makes no sense whatsoever.

I understand that it's extremely ego-centric for me to believe that regardless of what it is, it is my fault.

All of that aside, I feel like that most of the time and I can't for the life of me explain why. I wish I could.

If I could explain it, then maybe I could fix it. Maybe I could change the way I feel and the way my brain seems to function. I would spend so much less time feeling guilty for things that are not my fault and be able to spend more time enjoying.

I worry too much. That is a fact.

I have terrible self-esteem. Another fact.

I feel that when things are good, that means that the apocalypse is looming. Sad, but true fact.

Maybe it's because of the sadness and anger I haven't yet worked through from the barn burning when I was twelve...

Maybe it's my out of control hormones that make me feel terrible about myself on a regular basis...

Maybe there is too much fiction floating around in my head and I need to make a concerted effort to get it down on paper more often...

Maybe I need to keep up with my blog...

So many maybes and no definitive answers. Maybe now that it's swimming around in the soup that is my brain, I'll come to a conclusion of some sort.

One can only hope.

I suck again... (that's what she said.)

2010-10-01T12:09:00.002-04:00

So, I've been MIA for a while again. It seems like that's just my way of being lately. I've been so damn busy that I'm not even 100% sure where I've been. I do know that all of this business has been getting in the way of doing what I want, but I guess that's another joy of being an "adult".

My main focus for the past five weeks has been getting my barn up and together for the return of my ponies to the front yard. We were hoping to have things together so they could make the trip last Friday, but it just wasn't in the cards I guess. This Friday it is! As in today. Today is moving day, rain or shine. I'm hoping for a little bit of first of the month "rabbit, rabbit" magic that will bring a pause to the chilly, rainy, showers from about 4:00 to about 6:00 this evening. I'd be down for that for sure, because a 3.6 mile walk in the not rain is sure to be more pleasant than that same walk made in the rain.

Either which way, it's happening. Wet or dry, we're making the journey to the next step. I keep freaking out a little and Cyle (God bless him) keeps reminding me that this is just one step closer to that little farm we've been talking about.

It's not the bringing home of the horses that causes me the mental anguish. I'm pretty pumped to step out the front door and see my pretty mare and pony pony. It's the fact that nearly my entire life has been spent at the barn where they've been. From the time I was a whopping seven years old, my free time, spare time, fun time has been spent mostly there. The memories are what seem to be killing me. The thought that my first pony is buried there and my first horse as well. I'm going to be leaving them behind. Even though I know that there's nothing left connected to their earthly remains, it's still the thought of it. The worry of it. It's change and sometimes I don't handle that well. I guess this is just one of those times. Maybe that's why I get along so well wiht seventh graders. Lots of them have a hard time with transition too.

At any rate, keep your fingers crossed for me. I have a raincoat, but my ponies don't!

Slacking...

2010-09-12T17:46:00.002-04:00

In terms of the blog anyways... otherwise I've been mighty busy. School has officially started. I have 86 (or so) new little cherubs to get to know and teach about Reading, Life and 7th grade. It's going to be an interesting year for sure. We've got a mix of personalities student-wise and I think they're going to come along quite nicely.

We've got a new teacher on our team this year too and I don't think I have space enough here to say all of the good things I'd like to say about her. She knows her stuff. She knows the kids. She's just fabulous in general.

On the homefront is where the busy bee-ness really begins. We've been cleaning and digging and building in preparation for my ponies coming home. It's been a long time coming and I am very excited that they are going to be back in the front yard. What better lawn ornaments than a couple of 900 pound beasties? The timing could have been a little better, but... life happens. We roll with those punches in this neighborhood these days.

It's all coming along well though. The barn is set. Cyle has been working very diligently to get the fence posts in the ground, even though the large chunks of granite seem to disagree. We've got boards, we've got fence insulators, we've got electric wires... now just for some gates, some stall mats, some shavings and some horses. Just add hay and you've got yourself a mini-farm right in the front yard.

It's also getting to be my absolute favorite time of year. Fair season is knocking on our doors and the Sandwich Fair is likely to be the best time ever this year. Cyle's got the weekend off, we've got friends and family coming to enjoy with us and then come November, we'll be off to the Equine Affaire. Bright days are coming our way. I'd better go find my sunglasses.

It's been a while....

2010-08-26T10:51:00.002-04:00

Well, the end of summer has arrived. I've been away from internet access all summer, hence the lack of blog activity. I am back though. I am sitting right now in my new classroom at school, having just finished the set up, enjoying a little peace and quiet before the kiddos show up one week from today.

It's been a great summer. Lots of working, lots of playing and lots of fun. I don't have much time at the moment, and I don't have any of my awesome photos I took of our stupendous garden, succulent flowers or super awesome friends, but that will come in time.

I just wanted to let anyone who might read this know that I haven't completely disappeared from the face of the planet, though it seemed like it for a minute. I'm back and I'll be better about blogging. I promise.

How many ends does that candle have?

2010-06-08T08:02:00.002-04:00

If I could find a candle with four ends, I'd be burning all of them right now. Simultaneously. At the same time. There would be tiny flames and melting wax everywhere you turned.

Last night marked the beginning of a super busy couple of weeks. After school yesterday, I started my "summer" job at Starbucks. School gets out so late these days that "summer" jobs always start before school is really over.

I was nervous as all get out about starting this new thing, but it went remarkably well. The people are awesome, it seems like a pretty chill place to work and the scheduling piece doesn't seem bad at all. I'm training again tonight and again on Thursday and then a couple nights next week... it will be busy, but it will be good.

In other news, Miss Megan Lynn GRADUATES on Friday. She spent her last high school student evening at our house last night and we kicked the butt of some mapmaking and some goal-setting as well as a college application. Over the course of the evening, she also let me try on her gorgeous prom dress and we got some good giggles in. I am so darn proud of her.

Anyways, I'm off to zombie shuffle my way through today... sleep is for the weak!

100

2010-05-28T08:35:00.003-04:00

My 100th blog post... I thought I would do something spectacular and special, but it looks like I'll just spout off a minute about clarity.

Clarity is something that is often in short supply in this world and people who are in the greatest need of clarity are the ones who look in all the wrong places to find it.

Clarity cannot be found in the bottom of a bottle.

Clarity cannot be found in a lie.

Clarity cannot be found in a world you live in inside your head or in reverting back to immaturity.

Clarity is a state of being you reach when you can step back and see things clearly.

It's a time where you can look around your life and see what's bothering you and then make changes to fix it.

I am very lucky. I have reached a point of clarity in my life. I reached it almost a year ago now. A fog cleared from in front of my eyes and I stopped lying to myself. I started being honest and making changes to get me where I wanted to be.

There are some very special people who helped me reach this point of clarity and to them (you know who you are) I send my most sincere thanks.

Speaking of years and anniversaries... 11 years ago tomorrow, my Senior Project came to life... literally. My pony pony JT will be eleven years old tomorrow... Not only is that a great thing to celebrate, it also means that the same number of years ago, one day coming right up, will be the anniversary of when another very special person came into my life.

Things may not have happened right then and there, but eleven years ago a very large, important and amazing ball got rolling and it ended up knocking down all of the pins. STRIKE!

Lupines and loveliness...

2010-05-27T11:16:00.003-04:00

This whole, coming home to bouquets in the bedroom thing is utterly fantastic. Upon returning from the barn last night (and wishing my pretty Revy mare a happy 17th birthday!!), I found a vase of gorgeous purple and white lupines waiting for me. It was another hot day, but boy was it a good one.

After the barn and coming home to flowers, a no-cooking dinner of Subway ensued. It's not gourmet, but it was satisfying and took little to no effort at all, which is always good on a hot, sticky day.

When the sun started heading down in the sky, Cyle headed for the garden to transplant some baby lettuces. We're going to have a TON of buttercrunch leaf lettuce and it is going to be AWESOME. The greens in the garden are growing like mad, as are the onions... and the green beans were loving up the heat. Summertime and fresh veggies here we come!

While he was in the land of the veggies, I was back in the shrubbery. My pruners and I got a good work out between the forsythia, a random apple tree and the beech trees that are encroaching on the lawn. I even whipped out a hand saw and then Cyle brought out the chainsaw when I got to the big stuff I couldn't take down. The yard is starting to really shape up... not to mention the fact that one of these days we're going to have a HUGE bonfire with all of the brush... s'mores, here we come!

After the sweaty yard work, more swimming was on the docket, and we made it home just before the weak rumblings of thunder started. There was a decent light show, but only a few sprinkles of rain to show for it... hopefully we'll get some rain soon.

At any rate, Summertime is fast approaching and life is good. :)

Holy Hotness...

2010-05-26T09:09:00.002-04:00

For the first time ever in my life, I went swimming in the month of May. I was so hot and so disgruntled when I got out of school yesterday, I braved the frigid swimming hole near my house and took a dip.

I have never been a huge water fan... I attribute it to the fact that I'm a fire sign, but yesterday, it was awesome. The water was darn cold and it totally took my breath away and changed my perspective on life.

It was a hot day at school and I got a phone call that I was none too thrilled about... the job I had interviewed for and was SUPER excited about... well it didn't work out. I had tried so hard not to get my hopes up and unfortunately I did. It just happens sometimes that you pin all of your hopes on one thing and you just know that if that one thing comes through, then things will change.

Spending some time in the cold water helped me think about things differently however and I know now that it just wasn't meant to be at this moment. I am not done where I am. I have not helped everyone I need to help, or influenced everyone I need to influence.

After that swim, my evening progressed in a very positive manner. Cyle and I attended the Eagle Academy graduation and I was SO proud to see two of my students from this semester graduate. They are awesome kiddos who have fought their way through so many hardships to get over the hump and succeed. I can't wait until the next graduation in December where more of them will get that final piece of paper that allows them to open so many doors.

Graduating from high school is a big accomplishment. Being a teenager is not an easy thing and when you don't have a support system in place that can help you toward that goal, it gets even harder. It's really amazing how some kids just need someone to tell them no, and they beg for it, even though they pretend to be mad when you do it.

I don't necessarily want to have my own kids, but I often wish I could take other people's kids and give them what they need to succeed... maybe someday, I will be able to do that regularly. We'll see what life brings my way.

Happy Birthday...

2010-05-25T08:52:00.001-04:00

Today would have been my grandfather's 78th birthday and it seems very foreign to me that he is not here to celebrate it. In honor of this day, I want to just list some of my favorite memories of him.

I remember Necco wafers,

the chocolate were your favorite.

Sprite and Crunch bars.

Toast with butter, peanut butter and cinnamon sugar.

Peony flowers, mayflowers, and vegetable gardens -

when the oak leaves are as big as a mouse's ear, plant your peas.

When test driving cars, always really test them out and see what they can do.

Bruises and scabs

always bleeding because of your medicine.

Pink pills for pale people

whenever I was sick.

I remember the greatest hugs,

holding your big, soft, cool hand.

Lava soap and the smell of gasoline

when you had Elliott Brothers Garage.

I remember your smile

and how much you loved your family.

You were proud of me

always.

I miss you.

Great nights, busy weekends and mountain climbing...

2010-05-24T08:10:00.000-04:00

Well, a wonderful weekend started out with a fantastic Friday night. Cyle and I attended a delicious BBQ at Jess and Al's house with lots of wonderful people in attendance. It was superb to get to spend time with Jess, Al, Paul (who's finally home from out west... just for a minute), Elsah, Jim and Leah. We ate tons of great food, including the most amazing strawberry shortcake I've ever eaten. Al's baking skills never cease to amaze me and make my taste-buds ache for more. The biscuits he made were tender, soft, sweet... everything you want in a biscuit and more.

Saturday was a busy day at Bearcamp Garden with lots of people coming in to find some fabulous flowers for their front yards... and probably back yards too... and just shortly after I got home, my Megan came up!! We had a belated birthday bash with spaghetti pie, kale salad and ice cream cake. It's not a party until you break out the ice cream cake...

After dinner we went to visit the ponies and then went for a drive around Tamworth and Sandwich checking out the sunset and finding scores of lovely Lady Slippers on the sides of the many multiples of back dirt roads we took.

On Sunday, Cyle unfortunately had to work, and Megan and I decided to go to the mountains. It was time to conquer Mt. Chocorua and so conquer we did. It was a touch on the hazy side, but the pictures came out decent anyways. It was a gorgeous day. A lot of fun. Here's to a good, busy, weekend!

The summit from the trail.

The Jim Liberty Cabin.

Looking back toward the Ossipee's (I think!).

Looking up toward the Presidential's (I think!).

Chocorua Lake from the summit.

Finally, Mt. Washington. Not too much snow left up there!

Special...

2010-05-21T12:53:00.001-04:00

So, for you pet lovers out there - you know how when you look at Petfinder.com on those days you feel compelled to fall in love with an animal that you just have to save, they have those symbols that pop up next to the ridiculously adorable pictures to tell you about the animals. Whether they're good with kids, other dogs, cats, etc... Well, there's a special symbol for pets with special needs. That symbol used to be a little purple heart, but upon just checking it to make sure I had my facts straight, it appears that they've changed the color to a funky green heart.

I won't ramble on too long before getting to my point here, so what I'm getting at is that if I were a pet listed on Petfinder, I would have that little green heart next to my picture. I admit it, I have special needs when it comes to life. I don't think I'm needy per se, but there are times that I am in need.

I couldn't tell you why exactly... maybe it's the fact that I'm a Leo or maybe it's because I was an only child for such a long time, but I require a lot of attention. I like being involved in conversations with people and interacting with people and getting the attention of people in various ways. I never used to be like that. I was a shy, shy little girl who tried to avoid the spotlight like the plague for years, but now... now I like the attention.

I have had self esteem issues for my entire life and I think that the attention makes me feel better about myself. I feel like I can't be that bad looking/that fat/that heinous if people are talking to me and laughing with me and joking with me. I suppose all told, that it's not a bad thing to like attention... the bad part about it is how I feel sometimes when I don't get it.

If I'm not getting that attention, I feel like there must be something wrong with me. I must have gained weight. I must be ugly. I must just be stupid.

Now, the logical Casey inside my head knows that none of that really makes any sense. Unfortunately the emotional Casey has a tendency to overrule that logical voice... the one who has the glasses and is drawing all of those flow charts.

Emotional Casey immediately goes to the place where the world is out to get her and everyone hates her. She heads toward the desert called "MakingMyselfMiserable" better known as MMM.

I'm just hoping that someday that logical chick I have living inside my brain will take over and tell emotional Casey to stuff a sock in it and chill out. That will be the day!

Good Morning.

2010-05-19T08:07:00.000-04:00

Good morning! I'm not just using that as the every day greeting... I'm saying I'm having a good morning. In fact, I think that the perfect storm for a good morning occurred this morning. It has gone a little something like this...

I hit the snooze button a couple of times this morning so I got a little extra snuggle time. That is always a good thing.

I packed a quick and easy lunch of leftovers. Yet again. Awesome.

Driving to work, I was listening to WCYY and in the morning now they play blocks of 5 or 6 songs without interruption. Not only did they play that many songs, they were all good songs. Old songs that brought back memories of high school days like Cracker, Pearl Jam and The Bloodhound Gang. When my mom used to drive me to the bus stop, we would hear "The Roof is on Fire" by The Bloodhound Gang and she would sing the chorus. Being 14 or 15 and hearing your mom go to town singing, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. We don't need no water, let the mother f-er burn. Burn mother f-er. Burn." is one of the best things ever. I suppose that's one of the reasons my mom is the coolest. That and she took me to get my first and second tattoo and she paid for them. I don't think it gets much better than that.

After that, I got a big latte with an extra shot of awesomeness... and THEN, my first class of students today chose to continue their RED time through class. A room full of fifteen 12 and 13 year olds chose to continue reading silently for an extra 40 minutes. How much better could that be? Not much, I don't think.

Lilacs, pruning and squeaker wars...

2010-05-17T14:00:00.000-04:00

Lilacs. I seem to be completely obsessed with them right now. I suppose that could be because every time I take a deep breath, I am swimming in them. I love it. They are amazing.

My mom has some very well established lilac bushes at her house and they are quite large. I think generally they top out between ten and fifteen feet and these ones are getting close. They hadn't had any horticultural attention in quite a while and so last night Cyle and I went house on them. Out came the pruners, a ladder and even a saw. Those suckers (literally, suckers from the plant that grow up out of the ground and take energy away from the main plant...) never knew what hit them.

It was buggy, scratchy, itchy, dirty and awesome. I was covered with lilac twigs, the dried remains of last year's spent flowers and lots of black fly bites, but it was all completely worth it. I don't know why, but there is something I love about pruning. It is artistic and cathartic all at once and when you're pruning lilacs, you have the added bonus of it being favorably scented. Not bad... not bad.

Meanwhile, we're having major squeaker wars in the front yard. Squeakers are more commonly known as chipmunks, but my fantastic friend Jess refers to them as squeakers and it just stuck in my head. We have several factions in the front yard, each claiming their own territory and that doesn't even touch the renegade band who rule the back yard and harass the dogs just outside the fence 24-7.

Sitting outside on the deck you are right in the throes of the battle. They are constantly running back and forth yelling at each other and they have gotten mighty brave. One had the cojones to stand up and start speaking harshly to me the other day when I was just trying to enjoy the evening. I gave it right back to him (or her) and he (or she) retreated to the safety of their fortress under said deck.

It's a wild, wild world out there. Bull moose walking through the yard, a huge black bear lurking in the shadows at my grandmother's house and the never ending epic squeaker battle. Come on down and enjoy the show.

Smells like heaven...

2010-05-14T08:23:00.000-04:00

That's where I thought I was last night. I got home from teaching at the Eagle Academy and Cyle had picked a HUGE bouquet of lilacs and put them in a vase right next to the bed. I drifted off to sleep on a sweet smelling lilac cloud and boy did it make my dreams sweet.

Who's a lucky girl?

I'm a lucky girl.

Gearing up...

2010-05-07T09:23:00.000-04:00

It's going to be a busy, hectic, fun-filled weekend. It will be my first weekend of the year working at the fantastic Bearcamp Garden and I'm working both days since it is Mother's Day on Sunday... don't forget about your moms! Feel free to come on in and grab her a gorgeous perennial of some sort so she can plant it and remember you every day instead of those cut flowers that only last a week and then start to stink.

The weather really has me going. It is absolutely gorgeous. Spring and Fall are my two favorite times of the year and we are in the throes of the springtime rush. I am happy, excited, twitterpated and ready to get out and get my hands deep into the earth.

Things are sprouting, things are growing and everything is so GREEN! I love it.

Spring time and the livin's getting easier...

2010-05-06T13:20:00.000-04:00

Has anyone else noticed the fact that it has been GORGEOUS outside lately? Yes, the bugs have been a little on the obnoxious side, but the weather is warm and sunny, the leaves are all popped out and the lilacs are starting to bloom.

I love walking out the door to the sweet smell of lilacs in the air. It's especially strong when the dew is setting and I just can't stay away. I have been battling the bugs each night just to walk outside and take deep breaths so I can savor that amazing fragrance.

There are somewhere around 30 days of school left and I am ready to be out for the year. It's going to be a busy summer, but there will be plenty of time for fun to be had. I hope to be spending quite a bit of time working, but some of that work will be outside so that will be awesome.

Here's looking forward to good friends, good sun, good food, good fun and so much more!

What month is it again?

2010-04-28T11:37:00.001-04:00

So, I woke up this morning and had an odd feeling... I wasn't sure if it was almost May, or if it was the beginning of March. All of this snow junk has got to stop. It's time for sunshine, flowers and unfortunately bugs... I want warm weather, a nice tan and to spend lots and lots of time outside.

It's hard to believe that this week is already halfway over. I am definitely not complaining, though my weekends are going to be lonely-ish from now on since Cyle will be working. That being said, I think this Saturday I am headed to Colby-Sawyer College with my friend Theresa to see my friend Carly and enjoy a Chocolate Festival. Sounds like a good time to me!

Back to school.....

2010-04-26T13:45:00.000-04:00

Well, unfortunately my vacation is over. It was a beautiful week, bookended by things that were not so lovely. A funeral on one end and a moose vs. car encounter on the other. Everything in between was pretty darn good though. I have to say.

I was given the beautiful weather I wished for, and I got to spend lots of time out and about doing what I love. I rode, I hiked, I walked my dogs, I helped get the garden started. Soon, we'll have little green shoots poking up, seeking the sunshine, and soon after that, we'll be able to reap the bounty. I can't wait. Fresh veggies from the garden are the best!

Another positive thing is that I got a call back from Starbucks today... they want to interview me and potentially hire me. I'd be down with that. Coffee making, money making and hopefully some serious coffee drinking as well. Sounds like a plan to me.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Too much.

2010-04-15T10:56:00.001-04:00

Sometimes it seems like the world just dishes out too much. That's when someone inevitable brings up the good old saying, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," and though I find it irritating as all get out, I have to agree with it. Even now, when I'm feeling like all of the things piling up are sucking the strength and life right out of me, I know that when I get through it, I will be stronger for it.

It relates to the same sort of principle as one of my all-time favorite quotations: "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." My grandmother looked at this quote tattooed on my arm the other day and vehemently disagreed. I can't say I blame her. When you are right in the midst of the sorrow, it's hard to think about the time that will come after. Though the death of someone we love stays with us, and we always have a hollow spot where that sadness lives, it leaves us with that much more room to be full of happiness.

I guess this means I'm thinking along a more positive line today. Good thing.

Creative Juices

2010-04-12T10:56:00.000-04:00

Springtime has everyone's creative juices flowing. Mine are flowing sort of on the slow side at the moment though it's getting to be the time when flowers are blooming for me to photograph, but Cyle's have been hopping. This is the trellis that he created for my mom on Saturday.

He walked around in the woods cutting down saplings and wove them all together and buried them in the ground so my mom has something to plant her sweet peas and morning glories around. It is gorgeous.

After he finished that project, he put together a wind chime to hang on it from cans out of the recycling bin. This is the wind chime that my grandfather would have loved.

My contribution to the artistic stylings at the moment is this:

Not only did I photograph this forsythia, I spent about an hour a couple of weeks ago pruning the ever loving snot out of it so that it would bloom well this year. In the past it has gotten a little confused and bloomed in the Fall... definitely the wrong time of year. The Spring pruning definitely paid off though... it's completely covered with flowers and like my mom said yesterday, it's like we have our own sun in the front yard.

My first obituary...

2010-04-08T17:04:00.000-04:00

There are many things in this world that irritate me, and one of them is poorly written obituaries in newspapers. No one seems to pay attention or edit them or make sure that they make sense at all. Therefore, I decided this morning that I would be involved in the writing of my grandfather's obituary. It's my first. I hope I don't write lots of them as time goes by. It's definitely not the kind of writing I like to do, but at least I know it won't suck:

James T. Elliott, 77, of Tamworth, NH, died peacefully at his home on April 7, 2010, surrounded by his family. Calling hours will be held at Lord’s Funeral Home, 50 Moultonville Road in Center Ossipee NH 03814 on Friday, April 16^th from 6-8 pm. The service will be held Saturday, April 17^th at 1:00 pm at the South Tamworth Methodist Church on Route 25 in South Tamworth, NH 03883.

Jimmie was born May 25, 1932, to Albert and Gertrude (Berry) Elliott. He graduated from Kennett High School in 1950 and went on to serve in the United States Air Force from 1950-1954 during the Korean Conflict.

In 1958, he became owner/operator of Elliott Brothers Garage, until retiring in 1990. He volunteered for the fire department, Tamworth Finance Committee, and was a member of the Men’s Bowling League. He enjoyed gardening, his grandchildren, watching wildlife in his yard, sitting by the woodstove, his Kubota tractor, cutting his own firewood, NASCAR, the Red Sox, and he had an incredible knack for finding four leaf clovers. He was a unique individual full of ingenious ideas and an incredible love for his family.

He is survived by his wife of 54 years, Dorothy, daughters: Melinda and her husband Peter Heimlich, Melanie and her husband Mark Streeter, Marcia Jayne and her husband Joe Hudak, grandchildren: Casey, Julie, Amanda, Abbey, Dan, Virginia and Josh, and his sister Eleanor Lyman, along with several nieces, nephews and cousins. Jimmie was preceded by his parents, brother Roger and grandson Fred.

Donations can be made in his memory to: The Laura Foundation for Autism & Epilepsy, 1251 Eaton Road, Madison NH 03849, the Make A Wish Foundation of NH, 814 Elm Street, Suite 300, Manchester NH 03101 in memory of his grandson Fred Nathaniel Hatch or The Community School, 1164 Bunker Hill Road, South Tamworth NH 03883. Lord’s Funeral Home is in charge of arrangements.

Happy Bunny Day

2010-04-04T10:31:00.000-04:00

It's 10:32 a.m.

Barn? Done.
Waffles? Made... and eaten.
Shower? Taken.
Laundry? In process.
Kale salad? On the docket.

Once again last night... the third Saturday in a row, we had an amazing date night with Jess and Al. Some of Al's ridiculous home cooking, with enough garlic to even satisfy my desires and show Cyle that vegan cooking can be extremely tasty.

Not only was the dinner amazing, the dessert was out of this world. I might even go so far as saying that Al created the perfect cookie. Chocolate, peanut butter, peanuts, chocolate bits... I'm not seeing how that could get much better in any way, and Cyle can't seem to stop eating them either. He has said repeatedly that they're like crack. We were lucky enough to get a to-go plate of them and we've been sucking them down non-stop (that's what she said).

We saw Clash of the Titans. It was decent. It made me want a pegasus worse than I did before. There was some good fighting and the visual stuff was cool, but there wasn't a lot of story to it. I wish that the gods had been more involved and more interesting. Instead it was a whole bunch of Perseus killing stuff... which is fine, but really... what happened to a good storyline?

This spending Saturday evenings together is really rocking my socks off. Hanging out with three of my absolute favorite people in the entire world all at the same time? Hell yes. Thank you all for being the best ones ever.

Now, we're off to the Southern half of the state to have some celebration time and enjoy the sunshine. Hopefully you will too!

It's all Circular

2010-04-02T12:01:00.000-04:00

"I cannot control the truth of death, whatever my desperation. I can only make certain that those moments of my life I have remaining are as rich as they can be." - R.A. Salvatore (from The Halfling's Gem)

Funny is not the right word, but it's funny sometimes how things coincide. The weather is changing from dreary and dark to sunny and warm, while simultaneously, the life of someone very dear to me is taking the opposite course. Granted, it's not a sudden thing, but the process has certainly sped up over the course of these last days.

One of the books I read with my students at school, Touching Spirit Bear by Ben Mikaelsen, talks a lot about the circle of life and how as some things bloom, others are fading. Depending on your state of mind, that idea can seem hokey, or it can ring very true. For me at this moment in time, I am hearing the bell.

Though I have dealt with plenty of death and destruction in my life, I have never been through the death of an immediate family member. I know that it is for the best and that when he is free from his broken body, he will be happy again, but that still doesn't erase my attachment to his earthly form. The day is fast approaching that I will have to tackle that thought and I am not looking forward to it.

My grandfather has been a huge part of my life, always. I remember spending days at his garage when I was small. The smell of gasoline and oil to this day bring me back. He took me for rides in his dump truck, or on the back of his motorcycle (just in the driveway of course!). He brought me Necco wafers, or Wintergreen Canada mints (known in our family as pink pills for pale people). Whenever I spent the night at my grandparents house, he would make me toast for breakfast with butter, peanut butter and cinnamon-sugar. My grandfather has meant the world to me, to the point that I named one of my horses after him. When I bred my mare for my Senior Project in high school, it was pre-determined that it would be called JT no matter what. JT for James Theodore. Sometime soon, there will be only one JT involved in my earthly existence. Now I just need to get ready for the reality to hit.

Writing a "new" autobiography...

2010-03-29T06:52:00.001-04:00

Well, it was another fantastic weekend. We got to enjoy the fantastic sounds of High Range on Saturday evening at The Theater in the Woods. It was an amazing place, with some equally amazing company. My love and I, along with my Dad, met up with the fabulous Jess and her super other half Al for some dinner Subway style and then proceeded WAY out into the woods to this wild structure that is the Theater in the Woods. I'm not even sure what to call it... it sort of resembles a circus tent on the outside... whatever it is, it is really neat and I would highly recommend you get there if you get a chance. Not only is it a cool place and they have some exciting entertainment, a chunk of the profit goes to support Believe in Books which is a literacy foundation that tries to get books into every kid's hand. Sounds like a plan to me!

I also managed to write a HUGE lump of poetry this weekend. I had most of yesterday all to myself and I used it to my serious advantage. I did some major multi-tasking - kicking the derriere of some laundry whilst writing an autobiographical poem... and all of that after visiting some super scented sugar houses. At any rate, here's the poem... let me know what you think...

The gray days

are piling up

and I need to write my life story

all over again.

It’s one of those times

when the truth

is stranger than fiction

and in some cases

where fantasy

becomes

reality.

Some days my history

just doesn’t add up

to equal my present.

I am a garbled equation

with too many variables

on one side

tipping the balance

in one direction all the time.

I’ve spent years in school

and I still can’t apply

the correct property

to remedy the situation.

I have changed sides

so many times

I don’t remember now

where I began.

Once upon a time

I was a little girl.

I was a little girl

with a pony

and a book in her hand.

Years spent in the sun

that was all I needed.

I felt full.

Comfortable.

At home inside my skin.

And then, everything changed.

From one day to the next

I went from a little girl

with a pony

and a book in her hand –

to a little girl

with nothing but ashes

and memories in her hand.

My heart was not just

broken.

It ceased to exist.

It disappeared simultaneously

the moment I saw

it was all gone.

It was MIA.

No one had seen it.

I couldn’t feel it.

I thought maybe it was gone for good

and I wouldn’t hurt

ever again.

I learned I was wrong

two months later

when a pair of warm brown eyes

planted the seed

that sprouted

and when that sprout flowered

my heart had grown

again.

The heart brought back feeling

and feeling

meant pain.

I hurt for years

and sometimes

I hurt to this day.

As time went on

I prayed.

I kept talking about silver linings

and everything happening

for a reason

but I just wanted

to understand.

I wanted to know

why bad things happen

to good people.

To little girls

with a pony

and a book in their hand.

Unfortunately for me

answers were not forthcoming

from wherever it is

prayers are supposed to be

answered from.

So I just kept saying

all of those things

I was supposed to be

saying

and doing

all of those things

I was supposed to be

doing.

I put myself out there.

I searched for connections.

For love.

For feeling.

For understanding.

For kinship.

And all the while

my soul knew…

It knew there was no more

searching.

No more

seeking.

No more

looking

without finding

because I already found

my other half,

without even looking.

There you were one day.

A fine June afternoon

walking my direction

when I was struck

by this feeling.

A feeling I can’t really describe

but to say that I was

both contented and ecstatic

all at once.

One thought crossed my mind,

“he’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

And I had no idea how right I was.

That summer we forged a friendship.

There was an undeniable bond

and a never-ending daydream on my part

that someday we would be able to be

what I saw in my dreams.

For years I clung to those dreams.

They were my happy place

in a sea of melancholic mastic.

Even though we were separated

by miles

and maybe mistakes

just knowing that you existed

made my days bearable.

I’ve since discovered

that perhaps good things come

to those who wait.

Ten years passed us by

and choices brought us back together.

Connected once again by chance

and I decided I could not let you go.

We started out battling adversity.

You faced the same foe

daily –

fighting against a rip tide

never gaining ground.

All that time we were

searching for something –

searching for salvation –

searching for a reason –

and we became

each other’s something

each other’s salvation

each other’s reason.

We became an island

untouched

in our own personal storm.

We weathered that first torrent

together.

A united front behind the scenes,

heading for the forefront.

And one day it all rose

to a deafening crescendo.

Too many insults

too many wrongs

too much hurt.

You came to me

and together we wrote your very own

emancipation proclamation.

Here we are now

months after

the declaration was made

basking in the fact that we’ve actually made it

this far.

Where will our story go from here?

Admitting impediments...

2010-03-26T08:21:00.000-04:00

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
 Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
 Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
 I never writ, nor no man ever loved." 

-William Shakespeare

I am a self-proclaimed "word nerd". I think then that it instantly goes hand in hand that I love 
Shakespeare. My introduction to Shakespeare was very different than most unfortunate high 
school students. Instead of being forced to read the brilliant plays that were always meant for 
performance, we went ahead and performed. We played up the sex and violence. We learned
about the dirty, dirty puns. We used hand gestures to enhance the meanings of those puns. All
in all, it was a darn good time. But anyways, I'm not going to go on a diatribe about how awesome 
Shakespeare is. Not today at least...

Today, I want to talk about how hard it is sometimes for some people (in this case namely me) to 
admit the impediments. I'll say it right now - I am not good at talking about things that I'm not good 
at and unfortunately for me, getting my point across about what I want or need is something that I 
am not good at. 

I am always afraid that I'm going to sound demanding or bitchy when I say that I need some 
attention. I feel like it makes me sound so selfish... So, instead of just saying it, I get pouty and 
grumpy - because that's so much better than sounding demanding right? 

It seems to me that life is a constant process of revelation and some very important things have 
become clear to me recently:

1. Not only is it not my job to "fix" everything, it is also completely impossible. 

2. As long as I'm not making unreasonable demands, I'm not going to come across as demanding
when I ask for something that I need. 

3. The time has come for me to really let it all go and have some faith and that includes having some
faith in myself. 

4. I am lucky enough to have made it this far so when I pair that luck with this new found faith (and
just to clarify, I'm not talking about some new religious devotion... don't panic) everything is going to be okay.

Mud Season Blues?

2010-03-24T06:48:00.000-04:00

Well, it appears that perhaps the end of Winter/beginning of mud season has got me down. Maybe it's just a reaction to all of the beautiful weather that was a tease last week turning to this cold, rainy business... I don't know, but I'm dragging for sure.

I got a good night's sleep last night, which ought to help somewhat, but I think I just need a little sunshine in order to really get feeling right. I don't think we're in line for any of that today, but "it can't rain all the time" so it's bound to improve sometime.

It's a barn night tonight and I am excited for that. It will probably be too yucky for riding, but a good pony snuggle might just help break down this barrier of blue. I am feeling particularly lucky right now to have my love up here with me. Last night he knew I was feeling down and he told me to get on a warm hat, raincoat and my rubber boots... I did and we went down and sat by the river. It was almost like meditation. We sat, silently, and watched the water, and boy was that water flowing fast. It was awesome and so is he.

I guess then the long and short of it is, that even though I'm feeling down... I'm still a lucky girl.

A case of the Mondays... on Tuesday?

2010-03-23T10:50:00.000-04:00

I am thinking that due to the weather and the tiredness that just won't quit, I have a case of the "Mondays" on Tuesday.

I am sleepy-eyed and a little bit on the thick-headed side and all I want is to curl up with a cozy blanket, a cup of tea and an awesome book. I have one out of three (yay for the portability of awesome books) and though 33.3333333333333% isn't a total wash, it's not exactly what I am wishing for.

I am thinking that maybe today when I get home from school I'm just going to pass out.

Bam.

Done.

In the door,

jacket off,

bags down,

and up to bed.

The chances of that happening are slim to none, but it's nice to consider anyways. It's always good to consider the likely outcome of that situation too though. I'd sleep from 3:00 to 9:00 and then be WIDE AWAKE for the rest of the night and that wouldn't help me catch up on any of those zzzzzz's I've been missing.

Oh well. I'll get there and besides, I'll have plenty of time to sleep when I'm dead. Life is too short to nap too often.

Weekends, yurts and humming alpacas...

2010-03-22T11:19:00.000-04:00

Oh, what a weekend! It was a real weekend. Real, like we socialized and had fun and spent time either doing fun things or doing absolutely nothing.

Friday night was a fantastic bonfire with plenty of friends and good food, including friends that haven't been seen or heard from in these parts in many months. I almost died on the spot when my friend Claire came rolling up the driveway with her fantastically funny significant other Dan. As soon as she arrived, I was reminded once again of just exactly why I adore her. She has the most amazing, sarcastic sense of humor and as it stands, she is my "oldest" friend. We have known each other since the first day of my ninth grade year. In fact, Claire was the first person to speak to me on that stressful and scary first day of high school... and the rest is history. All in all, it was an amazing amalgamation of friends from all of the different pieces and parts of my life and it will be repeated, hopefully with more friends from more facets.

Saturday was a lazy day of recovery from a much later night than I have had in a long time. I saw 2:00 a.m. before I retired and I am still feeling it. Late nights are not my area of expertise. Give me an early morning any day and I'll conquer it. After we got cleaned up and put together, we were headed grocery shopping when a phone call came in announcing a surprise visit from a friend from home. After a very exuberant greeting from his dog, and a great visit, they headed off to finish packing up for their great migration out west. They didn't depart without leaving gifts behind however - we now have our very own colony of bacteria with which to make kombucha. Now we just need to find the recipe so we don't kill the poor little buggers.

As if things weren't awesome enough, Saturday evening got even better with a lovely dinner and coffee date with Jess and Al. After lots of phone tag, we had wonderful vegan foods at The Moat and then some tasty beverages at our lovely local Starbucks. At that point, I was really beginning to feel like a relatively "normal" person. This socializing thing pretty much rocks.

Sunday was a heck of a good day as well! We've been talking about living in a yurt for quite a while now and for the first time ever, we got to actually physically experience one... it was more than either of us could have imagined. There is no way that these pictures do it justice or can come close to evoking the sense and feeling of peace that you get when you walk into this space. The light was the first thing that struck me. The five foot dome in the center of the roof lets in the most beautiful natural light and as soon as I walked in, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of peace and warmth. I was excited at the prospect of living in a yurt before and now I can't wait.

The farm on which we visited the yurt also had a whole bunch of alpacas as well as some amazing free range chickens and turkeys. Not many people realize it, but alpacas have a habit of humming. If you don't know it and you happen to hear them, you might thing you are being haunted by a person involved in a Barbershop Quartet. Their habit of humming is one that my other half and I have picked up. We often will look at each other and let out an exaggerated "hmmmmm." Strange, I know, but so am I. This alpaca in particular looks a little on the grumpy side, but you get the picture.

Aaaannnnnddddd.... aside from the alpacas, as I mentioned, there were a whole mess of fine looking fowl, like these ones:

So anyways... that was my weekend and it was superbly real.

Quotations and the like...

2010-03-17T08:41:00.001-04:00

Well, I should start out by saying Happy St. Patrick's Day! It's going to be a gorgeous day too. It's an Early Release day at school... unfortunately it's only the kids who get released early. I'll be stuck here until the regular time, but after that, it's freedom, sunshine and horses. I like that combination.

This quotation was at the beginning of one of the chapters in my book this morning and I had to share it... mostly because I thought Al might get a kick out of it.

"Hard pounding this, gentlemen. Let's see who will pound longest." This quote is attributed to the Duke of Wellington... make of it what you will!

Life Is Good

2010-03-11T14:40:00.001-05:00

This past year has brought many, many changes to my life. There have been ups and downs for sure, but for the most part, even though things haven't always been easy, they have been very positive.

For the entirety of my life until not too long ago, I spent a lot more time worrying about other people and what they wanted than who I was and what I wanted. Unfortunately I think it is a trap that lots of young women get caught up in due to their own issues with self esteem and the like. Lord knows I have those kind of issues. It took a long time for me to see that I had value just on my own and I have several people to thank for that.

First off, my very best friend Jess deserves a huge round of applause for always being there for me when I need her. We've only been friends for about a year now, but it feels like we have always been friends. We have so much in common and she really and truly cares. She was one of the first people to really value me for who I am - all of the weirdness included - and love me just like this. Unconditional love is a very special and very rare occurrence.

Another person that has become very near and dear to my heart is Jess's fantastic significant other, Al. He is one of the most intelligent and insightful people I have ever encountered and I consider myself very lucky that he regards me as an intelligent person in turn. Spending time with either, or both of them is one of my favorite things to do. Great people. Great conversation. What more could you ask for?

Next up is one young Miss Megan. This young lady has one of the biggest hearts and probably the strongest shoulders of any 17 year old I have run across. She has kept me talking, and thinking and breathing through all of the times I have needed those reminders. She has taken on the burden of listening to my paranoid ramblings, my insecure tirades, and my incessant questions about whether I am really worth it. Not only, in fact, did she take on that burden; she has carried it around without complaining one bit and has had the ability to always make me smile. I can only imagine what incredible things her growth into adulthood will bring.

I am forever thankful for my family. There are times that they drive me up a wall, but for the most part, they are always behind me, every step of the way, providing any and all kinds of support they can think of. A roof over my head, a shoulder to cry on, a kind ear to listen, bad, bad jokes to make me laugh, and enough love to make me feel warm on the coldest day of the year. (I'd say it's important to note that when I mention my family, I don't just mean people who are related to me by blood. In my mind, there's a lot more to family than a little shared DeoxyriboNucleic Acid.)

Another big dose of thanks needs to go to my other half. Lots of people throw that term around when they're discussing their spouses, but I don't think many people are able to use it with the amount of seriousness I do. There are certain things in life that are just written in the stars. You just have to learn how to play your cards right to win the pot and though I've always been terrible at card games, I think I've got something figured out at this point.

At any rate - thank you all for everything you've done to shepherd me in the right direction and support me on my journey. Though I don't particularly care for the T-shirts, I am willing to say that "Life Is Good".

One more thing...

2010-03-08T09:36:00.001-05:00

I meant to post this before, but I forgot I had it. Here is the pony, Tucker, that I fell in love with and miss like crazy. Cute isn't he?

Hooray!

2010-03-08T09:22:00.000-05:00

Now here's a question for you... where did I wake up this morning!?

You don't know? Well... I woke up in Tamworth, New Hampshire in my very own bed! For the last four months or so, Monday mornings have been a bit of a challenge. They've been early, early, early with a LONG drive to school, but it's official. Those days are over and done with.

No more four a.m. Monday morning wake up calls.

No more hour and forty-five minute drives to school.

No more grumpy Casey on Mondays.

You know what? It feels pretty darn good too.

Miracle Diet?

2010-03-04T11:40:00.000-05:00

Want to slim down for beach season?

Want to shave off the pounds quickly and easily?

Want to lose ten pounds in four days?

Sounds like a good idea doesn't it? Quick, easy, ten pounds?

Riiiiiight...

The miracle diet I'm referring to is the good old flu virus. Between last Friday and yesterday, I lost ten pounds. I hopped on the scale last night just for giggles to see and I almost fell right over when I saw the drastic change in the numbers.

I will admit, I had been wishing that I could lose those last ten pounds, but if I had known my wish was going to come true in this fashion... I'm not sure I would have kept the wish going.

At any rate, the ten pounds weight loss (that most likely won't last since chances are it was mostly the fluids I lost) is going to be the silver lining to my flu-riddled weekend. That and a couple of extra days of R&R with the one I love. Not a bad dividend if you ask me.

It's over!

2010-03-03T11:22:00.000-05:00

It's official. It's over. The month of February (see it's other name in previous postings) is gone, gone, gone and thank goodness for that! As I have mentioned before, so many bad things have happened in February's past that the entire month just makes me a little on the nervous side. Now that nervous tension is gone and March has entered our lives, definitely on the lamb-ish side.

The only unfortunate thing about the beginning of March is that I seem to be spending it recuperating from the flu. I haven't had the bona fide, puking my guts out, body aching like there's no tomorrow flu since I was about nine years old. That's getting to be quite a while ago these days. Way back then when I was sick, my grandfather brought me Pink Pills for Pale People (also know as pink Canada mints) and ginger ale and I started to feel much better. This time around, my fantastic other half did the favor for me and it worked the same magic. Though I have been living on the Pink Pills now for a couple of days, I am finally on the upswing and maybe I'll be able to eat something real someday soon.

At any rate, I am feeling better and I like that.

15

2010-02-23T10:51:00.000-05:00

Today

I am gray inside today.

There is an ache

nagging –

migrating around my body,

moving from here to there.

I am not moved today,

by the new snow

or the morning light.

I am stuck today

in a repeating

loop

of memory

traveling back in time,

to this same day

minus fifteen years.

The smell of woodsmoke today

elicits tears

to pour down cheeks

reddened by wind.

Thoughts of my childhood today

turn black and shrivel

like newspaper kissing fire,

and changing form

until it’s only

ash.

The Big Three

2010-02-11T18:44:00.000-05:00

So, to coincide with the Olympic unit the Social Studies teacher I work with has been working on this week, I threw in a quick little unit on Greek Mythology. The Olympics are Greek... it fits. Plus, I love Greek Mythology. Always have. Always will. I often wish that I lived in a society that worshipped a whole pantheon of gods as opposed to this whole single God business. It just makes more sense to me... anyways... when you're talking about Greek gods, they talk about "The Big Three" - Zeus, Hades and Poseidon. They were the first big gods. The ones to reckon with. The ones with the weaponry who defeated the Titans. Sounds good to me. I wish at least one was female, but you can't have everything.

The Big Three I'm referring to here is the last three weekends of my life that will be committed to working at this unnamed farm in southern NH. Three more weekends... six more days of BS and then my life will return to some semblance of normalcy. I'll have time to breathe, time to enjoy and I'll be able to spend time with my love doing what WE want to do. Hallelujah. It's getting closer.

F*&$uary

2010-02-08T13:36:00.000-05:00

The month of February should legally change it's name to F*&$uary. You can thank my mom for that idea. I stole it since the "F" word that replaces the f-e-b is one of my personal favorite words. In fact, I've been told I use it far too often, but f*&$ that!

This month has, in the past been a very difficult one for me. It's full of unhappy anniversaries and this year, it's just too cold, and too windy. I decided on January 31st that I was going to change my outlook on February this year. I decided I wasn't going to dwell on the negative. All I can say, is that I'm working on it.

I am trying to dwell on the positive instead. I am trying to celebrate the good things and there are plenty of them swimming around. I am happy with my life. I am headed the right direction. Now, if I could just get some sleep, I'd be in good shape!

Today Brought to you by the Letter "C"

2010-02-01T08:29:00.000-05:00

Sometimes things just strike you funny. Especially when you're tired... at least for me it happens more when I am tired.

Last night after cooking a fantastic dinner on the woodstove, we decided that we wanted some ice cream. We hopped in the truck and took a spin around the corner to the 7-11. We each grabbed a pint. We got to the register. She rang them in and we realized that neither of us had our wallet. Oops. Oh well. Change of plans. We went back out and got in the truck and for some unknown reason, it wouldn't start. We tried and tried. We sat there, we asked, we begged.

Nothing.

He called his parents because the truck belongs to them to find out where to have it towed and before we got out to start walking, he decided to try one last time.

It started.

We left.

Fast.

When we got back to the house, the fun began... Casey and Cyle went to get ice cream. He wanted Cobbler, I wanted Chocolate. When we went out the Chevrolet Colorado wouldn't start. He made a couple Calls. When we got home, he ate Craisins. I ate Clementines. We were Cranky. The "C's" kept rolling and I started laughing. I Choked on the Clementine and it came out my nose. It made me Cry.

There was more, but I can't document all of it...

Funny yes.

Entirely appropriate?

No.

Following your bliss...

2010-01-28T09:31:00.000-05:00

I have discovered that following your bliss isn't always easy. In fact, it's almost never easy. Getting to know yourself is an even more difficult process than getting to know other people because even though it may not make sense, we hide things from ourselves more often than we do from others. It is much harder to come to terms with the truth about one's self than another person.

Following your bliss isn't always blissful either. Your bliss might very well affect people you care about very much in a negative way and that sucks. Big time. And I'm sorry for that. And that's that. It is what it is and it's neither here nor there.

39 Days

2010-01-22T10:16:00.001-05:00

I have a mental countdown going. As of today, there are 39 days left until the young gentleman I adore will be done with a heinously horrifying work situation.

This will bring about many things that I am super excited about. First and foremost, after these next 39 days are over, the wheels will be in motion for a move. "Over the mountains he will run," and I will be waiting to greet him.

The moving and being done with this job situation will mean that we will get to spend time together doing things that we want to do. Over the course of our entire relationship, there have been a total of 7.5 days that we have spent together, not working at his job. They have been fantastic days, and I look forward to many more of them.

Many of the days spent working have been pretty decent too. I've gotten the chance to do a lot of things that I never in a million years expected to do. I've worked with gigantic draft horses, learned to harness them and drive them, and fed and taken care of wildlife. How many people in the world can say they patted and got drooled on by a mountain lion? Just in case you were wondering, the drool is all kinds of slimy...

I also look forward to him being able to meet all of my amazing friends. Jess had the pleasure of his company one day a couple of weeks ago, but he has yet to meet the infamous Al. I have my fingers crossed that they hit it off and enjoy each other's company. Only time will tell though...

Time has played a big part in this whole situation. Ten years ago I met this young man. For ten years I wondered and wished and hoped that he returned my feelings. I worried that it was a juvenile infatuation and that my inner 17-year-old was just taking over. Well, those fears were unfounded and I have the answer to my question. He does return my feelings, and my 17-year-old self was spot on. I've found my other half and I am beyond thankful that our time has finally come about.

Promises...

2010-01-14T11:05:00.000-05:00

I have gotten so bad about blogging! For a while, I was going to shoot for the once a week schedule, but that has gone right to the dogs. I'm going to try to get better. I promise.

It's January. It's been feeling like January too. Cold wind. Cold nights. Lots of coldness. No snow recently though. I could really go for a snow day one of these days... especially if I were to get stranded for an extra day in the southern part of the state. I'd be totally down for that.

There are some good things about January though. The first one that comes to mind is Albie Rock's birthday. I'm a week belated, but Happy Birthday Al! I made you something... that I haven't given you yet... and I forgot it today, but you'll get it before your next birthday. I promise.

Another good thing about January is that the days are really and truly and actually getting longer. I've been getting back to the barn in the afternoons and spending some serious quality time with my ponies, and it is staying noticeably lighter, longer. It rocks. It's nice to know that even though it doesn't look or feel like it yet, Spring is in the works somewhere deep under cover.

I can't wait for Spring. So many good, new things are going to bloom this Spring and I am looking forward to all of them. New lives, new relationships, new gardens, new situations, new plans, all beginning to bud and getting ready to flower, either for the first time or, in some cases, the second time around.

I think from now on, I should plant a flower for every happy anniversary of sorts. If I keep on doing that, I'll end up with a garden full of happy memories and bunches of hollyhocks, daylillies, daisies, columbine, jacob's ladder, liatris, primroses, lupines, lily of the valley, crocus, irises, peonies, foxglove and much, much more. In fact, I'm going to do it. I promise.

It's beginning to look a lot like....

2009-12-21T10:47:00.000-05:00

Happiness? What exactly does happiness look like? I suppose it's something different for everyone. For me right now, it looks like I am super tired. The bags under my eyes could sustain me all the way to Australia for a two week vacation and speaking of vacation, I am coming up on one. The first "real" vacation of the school year. Winter break. You can't call it Christmas Vacation anymore because people get offended. In my opinion, they can call it whatever they want, as long as I'm not in school and get some rest, I am down.

Life has been a little hectic lately. I suppose that's part of the reason I am SO bad lately at keeping up with this blog business (sorry Paul!). Speaking of Paul, if you do happen to read this, I was super excited when you mentioned The Trews in your blog. I enjoy their stuff quite a bit.

Back to the hectic nature of life... though I am exhausted and my eye has a little twitching issue from the overtiredness, I am happy. I am fulfilled. I am appreciated and I appreciate. Sometimes you have to get through the worse to get to the better and I am headed in the right direction. It's a bit of an uphill battle at the moment, but when I get to the top of that mountain, the view is going to be unbelievable. Here's to the great outdoors, mountain peaks and sunsets.

Happy whateverkindofholiday you celebrate.

Bibliophilia?

2009-12-03T06:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I am finally back on my game (sort of) and I'm finishing up moving out of my old house. It makes me sad because I loved my house, but life goes on. I couldn't keep it and so I have to just let that go. Since I have moved back in with my parents, I am feeling pretty thankful that I don't have too much stuff... except for books.

I have more books than I know what to do with. Every night I've been bringing home three or four boxes of books and I have one more trip to go. As my mother remarked, these aren't "normal" boxes... they are rather large rubbermaid containers full to the brim of books. As I've been going through them, I've been sorting them out and I'm going to try to give a whole bunch of them away. There are some books though that have sentimental value, or ones that I just love. I also seem to have gone on multiple book buying sprees and haven't yet had a chance to read all of the books I bought. I have one entire container so far full of books I haven't read yet!

I knew that I loved books, but seeing all of these books makes me wonder if there's a support group out there for bibliophiles...

Getting Thankful

2009-11-25T06:57:00.001-05:00

It is one of my favorite times of year. I love the fall with all of it's colors and gorgeous scenery and I love the spirit of Thanksgiving. I try to sit back and be thankful at least a little bit each day, but this time of year, people tend to kick it into high gear and really think about all of the wonderful things in their lives. I thought maybe I'd take a second to list off some things I'm thankful for:

Epiphanies

Having people in my life like Jess, Al, Maple, Harvest and Paul

Steady employment

At least one more holiday with my family complete

My baby sister being home

My amazing dogs who snuggle the bejesus out of me every night

My horses who stay fat and happy and are now all fuzzy and snuggly

Caroline, her incredible perspective on life and the healing sense of her homestead

Working with people I enjoy and can laugh with

Parents who are incredibly patient and forgiving

Family who loves and accepts me for who I am

Being loved and understood by someone at such a deep level

Loving and understanding someone at such a deep level

Fitting in with a group of people and a family

Health

Time to write

Horseshoe nails and tail braids

Good students (there are a few!)

Old students who come to visit or text me all the time

Feeling good about myself

And many, many more things as well, but I've officially run out of time. The kids are coming up from the cafeteria and I need to go be a responsible teacher-type person.

Happy Thanksgiving All!

Achy Breaky Head?

2009-11-19T13:48:00.000-05:00

Good grief. Migraines seem to be plaguing me these days and it seems like they are changing a little. It used to be just intense pain in the head and nowadays it starts with a nice visual issue. I was sitting at lunch today, enjoying a good book and the company of Bethany when all of a sudden, I couldn't really see too clearly! I knew then it was on the way and prepared for the worst. Thank goodness I had my Accelerated reading class next. They've helped me through a migraine before and they did it again today. They offered to take over and let me leave, and tempting as it was, I did remember my legal obligation to actually watch the children. Gotta love stress. I think I might have to break down and get a "real" prescription to deal with this crap... no more Excedrine for me.

On a lighter note, I actually have the Mac today hooked up to real internet and I think this means that I'm going to post a little poetry. I've been writing like crazy... a couple of hours a night really, which is amazing. I finished up a 250 page journal the other night that I started on August 29th. I have been prolific and I love it. Let me find something good to post....

A tide

swells

inside me

at the very thought

of you.

One

amazing day –

just a prelude

to a lifetime of

amazing days

and the feeling of pure sunshine

dribbling down our chins.

I like this one. Hopefully you will too...

Favorites

2009-11-13T10:02:00.000-05:00

Everyone has favorites. Favorite days, favorite months, favorite holidays, favorite people, favorite friends, favorite colors and many, many more. I have lots of favorites myself. I've been discovering more every day.

The most recent discovery is that I seem to finally have a favorite color. I never used to. Black was my thing. It is the absence of all color. I was even afraid to get a tattoo in color for a long time because there was just something about colors that affected me. I couldn't wear certain colors on certain days because they just made me feel off.

Eventually though, I got brave and got a gorgeous tattoo of a green oak leaf (Thanks Jess!). It worked for me, and I got two more green oak leaves and a brown one. Green and brown are fantastic colors. They are real and natural and everywhere I look, there they are. There's more brown than green right now and that seems to be just fine with me. I bought a brown car. I have multiple brown sweaters. I love the color brown. It might seem blah and boring, but I think that brown is my favorite color. Don't get me wrong, because I still love green, but there is something about brown that just makes me feel so good. It's warm and comforting and the color of earth.

I know I've mentioned it before, but I love dirt. I love the feeling of it on my hands and under my fingernails. I love the smell of it and the amazing powers and capabilities it has. So much life can grow from the soil. If you tend it and cultivate it, you can do incredible things with a small plot of land and some hard work.

I spent part of Monday planting garlic. The soil was tilled and fertilized and now, in the Spring, four and a half rows of different types of garlic will sprout and grow. Plants really don't require too much. Space to grow, nourishment to get them going, sunshine and water, maybe a little love and encouragement and BAM! you've got growing goodness. What could be better?

Full to the Brim

2009-11-12T12:53:00.000-05:00

These days I am feeling full to the brim. So many things are going on in my life and luckily for me, many of them are good.

Good friends, wonderful family, lots of fun and lots of laughter. I'm not sure I could ask for anything more.

I think that pretty much sums it up for today. I am so thankful.

Long Time Gone...

2009-11-10T14:18:00.001-05:00

Well, it has been quite a while since I last posted. Things have been a little wild whirlwindy in my life since, judging from the date of my last post, August 16th.

Lots of new, lots of different, lots of changes and they are all good things in the long run. Not necessarily the easiest, but definitely all for the best.

Last weekend at a particularly fantastic wedding I attended for a particularly fantastic friend, another friend was giving me a hard time about not keeping up on the blogging so I figured I would get back into it. My living situations have changed and blogging at home is hard due to a distinct lack of decent internet access (they still DO have dial-up in some locales), so I'm going to have to steal time at school, or haul my computer around to places with wireless. Either way, I am betting I can handle it.

In short, over the last three months, I have done a whole lot of getting back to my roots and getting back to myself. Over time I let myself lose sight of a bunch of things I have always really wanted and the loss of those dreams was really starting to kick my butt. I wasn't happy. At all. In fact, I was very sad. Thanks however to good friends and, I would say, cashing in some good karma I must have built up over time, I am back on the right track and loving it. I'm not exactly where I want to be yet, but I am getting closer every single day. I'm back to having calluses on my hands, dirt under my fingernails, hay stuck in my hair and shoes that smell like horse pee and I'm loving every second of it.

Getting down and dirty (get your mind out of the gutter!) is what I like to do and I am back to doing it regularly.

Holy Depressing-ness

2009-08-16T19:47:00.001-04:00

Wow! That last blog post was a downer huh? I'd say (with pretty much utter certainty) that I was not having the best of days that day. Luckily I can say that today has been a much better day. It was hot and sticky (that's what she said), but I got a huge amount accomplished.

Four hundred more bales of hay are in the barn and ready for Wintertime. Technically about 750 bales went in today, but I only partook in the putting in of 400. Weak, I know... and the excuse, even weaker. I had to grocery shop this afternoon. It was a successful trip though, especially because I found (in my opinion) the best thing ever... Chubby Hubby ice cream. God bless the soul who suggested this concoction to Ben & Jerry's... vanilla ice cream with both a peanut butter and a chocolate swirl, completed by chocolate covered, peanut butter filled pretzels. I dare say there is no more perfect a food.

In between the hay and the grocery getting, I managed to sneak in a visit with Jess and Al. I was lucky enough to hang out with their kiddos for the majority of the day yesterday and I have to say, those two girls make me re-think my opinion of kids under 12... I like both of them. A lot. They are awesome and smart and fun and they like to actually do stuff. Just yesterday, they cleaned three entire horse stalls, before going for a ride, without a single complaint. How awesome is that? Pretty darned awesome. Hopefully I will get to spend another day with the girlies before they head back. They are both turning into pretty amazing little horsewomen. They can brush and clean feet with the best of them and that's saying a lot for 7 and 8.

As a special extra bonus during the visiting... Krystle stopped in so I got to see her too!

I am off tomorrow for the southern reaches of the state to spend some quality time with my friend Megan because she's awesome. She told me that tomorrow is slated to be the hottest day of the summer, so we'll have to find something cool to do.

Red ones and blue ones and green ones...

2009-08-08T21:29:00.001-04:00

Do you remember that part in Of Mice and Men, where Lenny is begging to hear the story about the rabbits on the farm that they're going to have someday? He just keeps asking to hear about the rabbits... the red ones and blue ones and green ones, because he desperately needs something to look forward to in life. He asks George to tell him the story periodically and the last time is just before George shoots Lenny in the head. I'm not asking to be shot by any stretch of the imagination, but I'd really love to have someone tell me about the rabbits. I am in desperate need of something to look forward to...

Mountains and other Places

2009-07-29T19:12:00.000-04:00

I can't imagine

my life

without the mountains.

The glory of a sunset

framing gentle peaks

and winter snow caps

that sparkle almost to the point

of blinding.

In the mountains

it's always

hard to say

what's to come because of the

necessary bends

in the road in order to avoid

the boulders strewn at random

by the glaciers that made these

mountains

so many years ago.

Unpredictability

is unavoidable

surrounded by mountains.

Winter storms

circle

until we're buried

and summer rains

get trapped inside the fenced in ring

of peaks.

In Spring, it's hard to make plans

because there are so many days

that start sunny

and end with surprise snow.

In Summer

humidity drains water

from our bodies

and lends it to the air.

We're forced to swim through life

with no life jackets allowed.

We wear layers

year round

so we can have enough on

but at times there's only just so much

you can take off.

On August evenings

we find excuses to grocery shop

to hide out in the ice cream aisle

until half the lights go out -

a warning that we're about to be

expelled

back into the oppressive atmosphere

where we continue to pray -

to beg -

for one of those Springtime monsoons

to clear the air

so we might be able to breathe

once again.

multi-colored fingers of cliome

stretch

to the sun.

Pink, white and purple

complimentary hues

hide the true nature of the sharp thorns

that pierce curious fingers

eager to take home their beauty

in a vase.

Eddies in the water.

Ripples

against the current

caused by things

unknown.

Constantly changing -

this way

to that way

and back around again.

What lies

under the surface of this river?

What lies

under the surface of this face?

To cause the eddies

to rise and swirl

to waltz and spin

to hold hands for a moment

and break apart again.

Fingerlings of branches

hold fast the plastic chair.

It's color

meant for camouflage

clashes against water's surface

and slats like twin ladders

give space for the eye to climb.

The brown and blue ripple of river

below

the washed out blue of sky

above

and a lonesome chair

stuck drowning in between both.

Place Based Writing

2009-07-27T21:16:00.000-04:00

Yikes! It's been a while... sorry about that, but I've been busy doing other important things and the computer hasn't been high on my list of priorities. This week though, writing is my number one priority... more or less. I am a participant in the Place Based Writing Institute at PSU this week so my days will be filled with all sorts of writing and I plan on sharing some with you here. I'm also going to challenge myself to stray from the sappy poetry and into something more intense... we'll see how that goes. Anyways, here's something I wrote in class today:

The pavement is old and worn and cracks show a hint of green grass that wants desperately to grow there. We walk by the Barron's, the Baybutt's, the Anthony compound, Aunt Mel's, the Mudgetts, Gus and Gail's, the McGarrity's and usually turn around at Millie's driveway. If we're feeling ambitious we continue up the long hill itself to the elevator house, but never so far as the Glencross's.

The way home is always different. The sun in my eyes and a wind in my face. Back down by the same places on the opposite side of the road, until we cross back over by the Baybutt's so as not to invade Charlie's territory. It's only fair.

Dexter stops to pee in all the same places and Lucy's always on the lookout for something to eat - dead birds, caterpillars, unidentified objects thrown from car windows. Sometimes I feel like I spend half our walks with my hands in her mouth - prying away the desired-but-not-allowed and trying to get all the feathers out of her crooked little teeth.

Down the hill, Dexter slows down - he isn't ready to go home yet. He licks my hand trying to distract me while Lucy continues her running-almost-in-place-pace.

Back on 113 watching out for the forest of poison ivy in every form imaginable and back in the driveway to where we call home. Up the steps, in the door and they head for their respective water bowls for a quick drink before I can pick them up. "You can't have too much when you're hot because you know you just puke it back up again."

If it's particularly hot, they each get an ice cube to chase across the floor until either it's caught or it melts into a puddle that I'm bound to step in and wonder just what it was that I stepped in...

He looks surprised...

2009-07-19T08:54:00.000-04:00

I am up and at 'em this morning for a busy Sunday. I am wishing I were off with Jess, Al and the girls to Bread and Puppet, but instead I am being a good big sister and filling in for Abbey at work so she can spend time with Joe while he is here.

My dad's big surprise party went off without a hitch yesterday! He was super surprised and I'd say he had an awesome time. Thanks to everyone who came and who helped get things together. It was a long day, but a great one!

It's going to be a gorgeous day so I am excited to be spending it outside. Here's to hoping everyone has a great day! If I have the gumption later, I'll get back on here and write a "real" blog...

Tuckered out...

2009-07-16T20:55:00.000-04:00

I had an awesome day today, hanging out with two fantastic kiddos, Harvest and Maple. Thanks to Al and Jess for letting me borrow them for the day and... I get them again tomorrow! Usually the little ones aren't my style, but these two are a different breed than most. They were polite, respectful and they worked their little butts off!

We started out at the barn, since it is a proven fact that ponies are just good for little girls, then came to play with the puppies, went to lunch, did some swimming, came home and walked the dogs and finished off with some more ponies. Needless to say, Maple was sound asleep in the car on the way back home and I am off to bed far earlier than my recent usual time. It's yet another testament to the awesomeness of having good friends! The only thing I need to do differently tomorrow... is remember to bring my camera!

Poetry

2009-07-15T19:46:00.000-04:00

My fantastic friends Jess, Al and Paul let me borrow a season of Def Poetry Jam and I have been mesmerized watching it this evening. I had seen a couple of clips on YouTube on different occasions and I enjoyed them, but watching the whole show is just breathtaking. It is fantastic. The people are so talented and their words bring out so much feeling and so many thoughts. What can I say? I'm inspired.

Watching other people's words

brings energy to my own.

What they have to say

elicits a visceral reaction

from me.

Whether it's

goosebumps

or laughter

or even tears

I am feeling

something -

many things -

everything.

They share not just words

but feelings

and images -

snapshots of their own lives

or the lives of those

they observe.

Social commentary,

joys,

fears,

loves,

everything laid out

for any and all

to make meaning of

and possibly

to understand.

Homework? Check.

2009-07-12T21:11:00.001-04:00

The assigner: Albie Rock

The assignment: Watch Rushmore

Due Date: As soon as possible

Status: DONE!

I did my homework today ladies and gentlemen. I was given a task and I completed it and I have to say, it was most certainly worth every minute and every penny.

I adventured to Tilton today in order to get some less expensive groceries at Market Basket and because I figured that it was a safe bet that I would be able to find the assigned film at Music for a Song - a great music/movie store in the Tanger Outlet Center. Unfortunately, today was my last visit there since they are closing as of next Saturday. At any rate, I succeeded in my mission and not only did I pick up Rushmore, I found a copy of The Black Stallion and an animated film made from one of my favorite books of all time: Dragons of the Autumn Twilight, a Drangonlance book. I didn't know that they had made a movie, but I was pretty excited and that is next on my movie playlist.

At any rate, I just finished watching Rushmore. At first I didn't think tonight was my night because when I put it in the DVD player in my living room, the DVD player kept getting an error. Thank goodness for my Macbook since the DVD player in the bedroom has gone the way of the dinosaurs, though I don't think that it will eventually turn into oil, coal or diamonds. If only...

I wasn't sure what to expect because I didn't read the back of the case before I started the movie, but since I tend to trust Jess and Al when it comes to.... oh just about anything, I figured I was in for a good flick. To their great credit, I was right. The movie was awesome. It was funny, witty and thought provoking. The characters were fantastic, the story was well developed and it was just all around a good time. I have to say that I loved the character named Dirk as well as the little boy who is never named but shows up randomly in the majority of the movie.

I feel like I have attained a goal tonight. It's been a while since I had homework and it feels like an accomplishment to have completed it. Tonight, Rushmore. Tomorrow night, the world.

Thank you Mr. Frog

2009-07-11T21:57:00.001-04:00

I think I might have found a silver lining to all of this rain... I was driving home from yet another awesome dinner with Jess, Paul and Al (I haven't had a not awesome one yet) and instead of slaloming to avoid the little frogs chilling on the rainy roads, I only saw a couple and they were easily avoidable. I'm guessing that there is enough wetness in the woods that the little froggies don't feel the need to come out on the pavement to soak up the good old H2O. Hooray for that! I get super stressed trying to avoid those little buggers.

Dinner this evening was a birthday celebration for Jess's mom. As Paul mentioned, if it weren't for her, there would be no Jess and that would be a tragedy! I feel like such a jerk too, because I completely forgot to wish her a Happy Birthday! Since I forgot then, I'm doing it now - Happy Birthday Jess's Mom! Thank you for giving birth to such awesomeness.

I have discovered that awesome conversation is something that absolutely makes my life a better existence. There is no lack of awesome and intelligent conversation while spending time with Jess, Paul and Al. The topics are wide and far-ranging and always super interesting. I like using my brain and I try to be always thinking with this crowd.

Paul let me borrow Season 4 of Def Poetry Jam and I absolutely can't wait to watch it. Slam poetry and the like are some of my favorite things. My other "homework" is to watch the movie Rushmore... I've heard of it. I wanted to see it, but I never have. Now it is a must. I'll see if I can find it tomorrow. Thank goodness for intelligent people. You guys are awesome.

Once maybe

in a lifetime

a dream

comes close enough

to grasp.

To let it slip

through careless fingers

would be a

travesty.

Busy, busy, busy

2009-07-10T21:07:00.000-04:00

Ahhhh, Friday and a busy Friday at that! I was off and running this morning, super excited because my amazing principal at school found money for my friend Nichole and I to go to a 4 day writing institute at the end of the month! The Plymouth State Writer's Project is putting it on and it's all about writing about where you are from, which is right up my alley! I am extremely excited and I will get a graduate credit out of it. Pay raise, here I come... only 29 more credits to go!

After getting all of that paperwork set up, I went to hang out with my friend Krystle. We got a lot accomplished and managed to have a great lunch all at the same time! We hadn't hung out in way too long and we had a good time. Good friends make life so much better.

I moved from hanging with Krystle to visiting Jess and Al at the shop. It was pretty busy there, but I got to spend some quality time with some more awesome people. I am looking forward to spending some more quality time with them tomorrow evening.

This evening was full of some dinnertime and cookie baking fun with yet another great friend, the aforementioned Nichole! Lucy barked pretty much the entire time she was here, but we were able to tune her out for the most part. Poor Dexter came and hid in the kitchen because he appeared to be getting a headache from her screeching.

Now, I'm ready to get ready for bed because there's another busy, busy day ahead of me! Barn chores at 5:00 am and then off to Bearcamp Garden for the big Open House extravaganza! Come on by for refreshments, entertainment and some fantastic garden-y lectures. See you there!

So much awesome.

2009-07-09T14:56:00.000-04:00

I went to see Reel Big Fish last night at The Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom, and it was utterly amazing. I loved their music before and I have to say, I love it even more now. They played both of my most favorite songs and I felt like I was in heaven!

Today has also been good. I took my little Lucy and did a home visit in Albany, then we went to meet Auntie Jess and then to Four Your Paws Only for some puppy food and toys! After all that, we came home and went for a lovely walk not to mention that Dexter and Lucy got to go to their grammy's house and play with Bella in the big fenced in yard.

Stellar couple of days. That's all there is to say.

The Epic Feast - Devoured

2009-07-07T21:31:00.000-04:00

For a bunch of really skinny people, my friends Al, Jess and Paul can eat. They can eat and eat and eat like you wouldn't even begin to imagine any three people in this world can eat. I can't hold a candle to what they can put away and I am by far the least skinny out of the four of us.

I hit the luck train big time this afternoon. After spending a lovely morning in Concord with my mom and sister, I called Jess when I got home. At the time, she wasn't home, but she called when she got home because they were headed for Portland to a fantastic vegan restaurant called The Green Elephant. We had been there before and I thought they put away some food the first time... they blew themselves right out of the water this visit!

Between the four of us, we ate: four orders of soy nuggets, an order of spring rolls, an order of tempura oyster mushrooms, veggie kabobs, and an order of fried wontons, not to mention four entrees. I was the only baby with leftovers to bring home because I just don't have the gumption to pack it all away. I have to say though, I am pretty excited to have some vegan citrus spareribs to snack on tomorrow. They are darn good!

Other than a little incident on the way over with an unfortunate dog chasing an even more unfortunate porcupine (the dog is okay, the porcupine not so much) it was an utterly fantastic trip. Aside from the intense gluttony at the restaurant, we took a trip to Whole Foods (my first trip there) and it was amazing! So much good food that is mostly good for you in one place. I am definitely going to have to go back sometime very soon for some further exploration.

Now, I am home and trying to come down from all of the fun induced adrenaline. I feel so incredibly lucky to have such awesome friends. There was a time I didn't think it was possible to have this much fun. Boy, was I wrong!

Full days...

2009-07-06T21:12:00.001-04:00

Today was a fantastic day. I think that in one day, I got to do just about every single thing I love to do. There aren't many days that I can say that about.

First off on the adventure parade was taking Dexter and Lucy hiking. We've been on plenty of walks, but never a hike, so we chose an easy one. Brook Path in Wonalancet was lovely! It was flat and right along the brook the whole way so there was plenty of water for puppies to drink and splash around in. Lucy did have one unfortunate mishap while leaping from one hummock of land to another... she sort of splooshed down into about 4 or 4 1/2 feet of water... in she went and she popped back up like a little cork! She swam a little bit and then scrambled back out onto the bank and proceeded to shake. A lot. This was the first time ever that she was successfully tuckered out. She ran pretty much the whole way and when we got home, she was out cold for the entire afternoon. It was hilarious as the picture shows!

Next, I headed for the barn and not only got to ride Revlon, but also got to give JT a little exercise. Rev was good for the most part... only a few rearing/bucking fits. It was so much fun and I think she is feeling healthier than she has in a long time. JT on the other hand is so out of shape it is utterly pitiful. He was looking good until the grass came up and now I am affectionately referring to him as "Lard Bucket". He is in desperate need of some exercise to "trim the fat" so to speak!

Anyways, by the end of the day I was soaked with sweat, filthy rotten dirty and had an enormous smile on my face. Chalk one up for the good side.

Sweat trickles downward

as the sun keeps on it's path

I had so much fun.

2009-07-05T21:23:00.000-04:00

A fine summer day today. The sky was blue, the sun was shining and I didn't feel a single raindrop all day long. It's been a long time since we've had a day like that. Lucky for me, I got to spend nearly the entire day outside and enjoying it. Playing in the plants at BCG, walking the dogs and some quality pony time made today pretty fantastic.

I went for a little drive tonight around the back roads of Tamworth and Sandwich... something I was very fond of doing just after I got my license and had the time to do it. I live in a really beautiful place, I have to say. Winding dirt roads, wooden bridges over idyllic brooks, and views of the mountains and the moon that would make most people drool. Honestly, looking at all of it tonight, I could have used a bib. I have lived here my entire life and I am so thankful for that. I can say that I grew up in one of the most beautiful places on Earth and really, really mean it.

Strawberry jam

on saltine crackers

the only snack she could think of

and one I ate

too much of.

Summer days spent

at the Finley house

the scent of the chlorinated pool

seeping into everything

and I loved every minute.

Back then

the game of Life

was just that -

a game.

Played on an ancient board

on an even older floor

in a house with hidden passageways

and doors too small for a grown up

to fit through.

We spent mornings at the barn

and afternoons on the hill

inventing games and playing with toys

that belonged to some other child

who lived in some other time.

That house is gone now,

and so is the pool.

Torn down and re-built into something

nowhere near

the original.

So many pieces of childhood

gone in that very same way.

Gotta love independence...

2009-07-04T18:55:00.001-04:00

First off, I had one of the best days I have had in a very long time yesterday! It was Jess's 30th birthday and I got to spend most of the day celebrating with her! Our friend April and I took her out for some brunch and cool coffee/smoothie drinks and then a whole mess of us went out for dinner at The Thompson House in Jackson. It was so much fun and the food was utterly amazing! Not to mention the fact that we walked out of the restaurant after dinner and got to enjoy some fantastic fireworks!

As you may know... today is Independence Day. I enjoy the concept of independence. Being about to do things as you choose to, seems like a pretty darn good deal to me. I know that I appreciate my independence, though I think there are some pretty shady parts of our journey to reaching it. We won't go there today though... it's a day for celebration!

As is tradition, I watched the Tamworth 4th of July Parade today with my family. It was actually pretty excited because both of my grandparents came to the parade, something that hasn't happened in a few years. It was a gorgeous morning with sunshine and everything and we had an awesome spot to watch from. The parade was much shorter than usual, mainly because there weren't a million fire trucks at the end of the line and that was totally okay with me! There were some decent floats and some lovely horses, so that made it good for me!

After the parade, we attended the "Family Day" events for a couple of minutes. The black clouds were rolling in and the obligatory 4th of July shower was going to happen any minute. After that, we grabbed some lunch and then went to pick up my mom so we could go to my friend Caroline's book signing! If you are interested in learning more about her amazing novel, check out: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/ride-on-the-curld-clouds/6870856

I was the lucky recipient of an advance copy, so I've read it and loved every minute of it! I would especially recommend it to those who love both Shakespeare and horses. It's full to the brim of both!

All of that goodness, topped off with a family BBQ at my grandparents house rounded out my 4th of July celebration. I think we'll be attending some more fireworks this evening and then it's back to reality tomorrow. Hopefully a reality that continues to include that big, yellow, bright thing in the sky. I missed it while it was on vacation for the month of June and would like to see it back full time for the rest of the summer.

Torrential Thursday

2009-07-02T16:15:00.000-04:00

It's official. The little stream in my back yard is now a raging torrent. Even though I love on a hill, I got something about my homeowner's insurance today asking if I want to add flood insurance. It has been raining... a lot... but let me tell you, if my house gets flooded, we are all in big, BIG trouble.

Both of my puppy dogs are currently sitting on the end of the couch watching it pour. I would totally get my rain boots on and take them walking in the rain, but I'm lucky if Dexter will go out to pee when it's raining! He is not all about getting wet. As soon as he comes inside, he wipes his head down on the carpet because he can't handle having a wet face. I have to say it's pretty cute watching him crawl around with his derriere up in the air, all the while dragging his face across the carpet.

I guess I don't have all that much to say. As I believe I have mentioned before, the lack of sun is really, really, really getting to me. I am feeling drained and sad and blechy in general. I do have to say though, I'm excited to go see my dad play some music tonight at The Brass Heart Inn and then to spend some quality time with Jess tomorrow on her birthday!! Birthdays are awesome. I'm having one in just a little more than a month. I was scared of it for a while, but I think that 27 has a nice ring to it. We'll see... maybe it will bring good things, like a little bit'o'sun!

Day One

2009-07-01T18:45:00.001-04:00

Technically speaking, today is day one of a brand new month. July is supposed to be a month of sun and warmth and awesome summery stuff. Unfortunately at this point, July is starting out the same way June left off... wet, dark and chilly. None of those three things connotes summer to me. I don't know about you. The one thing I know for sure, is that this weather is starting to seriously bum me out. I'm ready for sun and warm weather and haying! It's hard work and you sweat like crazy, but I enjoy the satisfaction of knowing the hayloft is slowly filling up with food for my ponies for the winter.

I had another pretty good day today. I got a lot done around the house this morning, spent some quality time with my puppies and then spent the afternoon with the amazing Jessica. It's almost her birthday and though she might not be excited about it, a bunch of other people are. Friday is bound to be a good day, full of celebration of an awesome person and the day she came into the world. What better reason to celebrate? I can't think of one.

I get super jealous hanging out at the shop with Jess. All sorts of people are getting tattooed and it makes me want to get tattooed. I have some ideas... some things I'm planning on. There's just something about the idea of art permanently inked into my skin that puts a smile on my face. It's not always the most comfortable situation, but anything worth anything is bound to have a little discomfort involved in one way or another. You just have to keep your eyes on the prize. Watch for the benefit at the end as opposed to the pain in the middle of it all. That way, you have something good to focus on.

So many positives

2009-06-30T20:06:00.000-04:00

First off, referring back to last night's blog, the soy ice cream product was utterly FANTASTIC. It was some of the most amazing dark-chocolately, peanut-buttery goodness I have ever had. I approve, and then some. That's one positive for you. Another positive, Lucy let me sleep until 8:30 this morning!

Since I got some good sleep, I was super prepared to head for Plymouth for Penny Kittle's author visit. I wasn't sure how it was going to go, but it was great! Penny was fantastic. She had a wonderful presentation put together with a bunch of examples of student work and her own work and she gave me about a billion awesome ideas to use in my classroom next year. I know for sure I'm working in the right field and in the right place since I left the workshop feeling like I'm ready to go back to school tomorrow!

I got to see several people who were in the PWP (Plymouth Writer's Project) the same summer I was and it was great to catch up with them! Pretty much every single one commented on my hair... I never knew a flat iron would make such a difference in my appearance! Nichole went with me (yet another positive) and we got invited to attend a four day workshop at the end of July revolving around place based writing. That totally got me going so I'm really hoping that my school district can come up with some cash money so I can go! Even if they don't, I might try to scrape it together so I can attend.

For any teachers out there who might be reading this, I can't say enough times how amazing my experience at the PWP was. It was one of the most incredible educational experiences I have ever had. The open exchange of ideas between teachers, all supporting one another in the pursuit of doing what's right for kids... it was like heaven. Being there today has me jonesing to go back. Maybe next year I will apply to be a returning fellow. I wanted to do it last year, but it just wasn't the right time. All of that amazing collegial business and it got me writing like crazy. Even after being there today, I am itching to write, write, write! Tomorrow I have some serious plans to spend some quality time in front of the laptop.

The one bummer of a thing that I heard today was a statistic about reading. Apparently in the USA, only 20% of the population reads. The great majority of people don't even attempt to read one book each year. This completely and totally blows my mind. I don't know what I would do if I didn't read. It is so fulfilling, enjoyable and relaxing. Penny asked her students at the high school about their reading. Almost every single one of them admitted that they did not read the books they were assigned for school, or any on their own. The kids readily admitted to using SparkNotes, skimming a chapter here and there and listening to other student's comments in order to write papers and add to class discussion. I hate to say this, but it's no wonder that the majority of people have no minds of their own. People don't read and their brains don't get any exercise. It's almost exactly the same as the obesity epidemic in the world today. People don't get outside and run around, nor do they sit down and crack open a novel... what a waste. They have no idea what they're missing.

And the rain continues...

2009-06-29T19:02:00.000-04:00

I know you might find this hard to believe, but it's raining. My dog Dexter is showing all of the classic signs of depression because it has been raining and raining and raining. It's pitiful. He's laying on the couch, staring out the window at the rain. I'd take him for a walk in the rain, but he doesn't do the wetness. He even walks on the railroad ties around the house when the dew is still on the grass. He's just a weenie like that, but I still love him. A lot.

Speaking of Dexter, tomorrow I will have had him for two years! The picture above is of he and I on the day we picked him up. He's changed quite a bit since then... he was so skinny! I thank my lucky stars every day that I have him in my life. He rocks.

I had a fantastic first day of my summer vacation despite the un-summery weather. I got up at 7:30, puttered around the house a little and then went north shopping. I got a new fan for the window to replace the one that Lucy destroyed the cord to, some t-shirts, some pants, it was a good time and then I grocery shopped to boot! What a productive day.

When I got home, I got everything put away and spent a little me time painting my toenails. I found a fantastic shade of purple today and if you ask me, it looks rather lovely. I'm a fan.

Tomorrow I'm off to Plymouth State University for an author visit at the Plymouth Writing Project. This means that I get to be enriched, do a little writing and see Nichole! I am rather excited.

That being said, I am going to sign off and sample some of the soy ice cream I bought today. I'll let you know how it is!

Leaners

2009-06-28T21:08:00.000-04:00

As I am sure most of you know, I have two dogs. Dexter and Lucy are my babies and they are pretty much just fantastic. Not only are they adorable, lovable and super snugglable, they are both leaners. They can't just sit down next to you or in front of you of their own accord, they have to lean their entire bodies against your body. They tend to do this to each other as well. They've been wanting to be really close lately. I have to say, I like it. It's nice to feel loved.

I did a home visit today all the way up in Thornton, which I discovered is a LONG way from my house. It took me about an hour and a half to get there and then after a total of about eight minutes, I was headed back again. They were awesome people and I wish them the best of luck with their new family member. They have a particular puppy in mind and I hope that they get him. They were all excited for him. It was awesome to see people so happy!

On the way up there, I passed a little store called Veggie Art Girl and lord knows I had to stop on the way back through. It was adorable! There were a lot of fun, handmade things and I picked up a couple of them to bring home with me. If you're driving through Ashland, I would highly recommend stopping by.

Okay, I'm losing my train of thought so let's try for a poem before it's too late...

owls sing my serenade

so there's no need to

whistle

while i work.

a pair of them

are calling out

to one another

and all i can do

is wonder

what they're saying.

A 70% Chance of Stupidity

2009-06-27T20:06:00.000-04:00

There was actually a 70% chance of rain today... there's at least a 70-99% chance of stupidity every day.

The other day, was my day for stupidity. When I was finishing my report cards at school, I copied down all of the comment codes wrong and so every single one of my students got a report card that said they had unacceptable levels of respect and responsibility in reading class. Doesn't that suck? I felt utterly horrible, and even more so when I started hearing from really angry or confused parents. I wrote a letter and sent it out explaining the mistake and last night I started just calling some parents to explain. They took it well for the most part. Not the greatest note to end the year on, but it's remedied as best as can be.

That being said, I am done with school! I have stuff I'd like to work on over the summer, but nothing mandatory. I am going to be living the fancy free lifestyle for a while and I'm pretty excited about it. I'll have all the time I want or need to do the things that I love and spend time with people who rock. The awesomeness has officially begun.

Fireflies

2009-06-26T21:47:00.000-04:00

the fireflies tonight

are flying

rampant

through the trees

and spiraling higher

and higher

into a sky full of stars.

their biological flashlights

are flickering

on and off

in a rhythmic pattern

as they communicate their desires

to the wind

and one another.

if that was the last thing

that i ever saw

i would be satisfied.

Rainy Daze

2009-06-25T20:05:00.000-04:00

The rain ceased today. For a minute. It's supposed to start all over again soon. Maybe even tomorrow. I was in desperate need of the sun today. All of the rainy/cloudy weather is really getting to people, including myself. People are depressed, they have heinous headaches that are lasting for days, it's just not a good scene. This is supposed to be summer. It's supposed to be awesome out. Maybe the awesomeness is just waiting for me to officially be out of school. If that's the case, it should be kicking in about noontime tomorrow.

Life really should come with an instruction manual. There are so many things that you run across that are so difficult! Making the right choices, saying the right things, they are all just hard. They require a lot of thought and maturity and if you are psychic, it doesn't hurt!

Human interactions and relationships are quite possibly the most difficult of all. How people get along at all completely baffles me. How can you get along with another person who for all intents and purposes is a complete enigma? There is no way you can really know another person and everything that makes them tick. You can make guesses about their motivation or their thoughts, but you can't know that stuff unless they directly share it with you. Unless they choose to allow you inside their innermost thoughts. Even if you feel like you really know someone you can't really know everything about them. You can make guesses and hypotheses according to your observations and prior experiences, but you just can't know. Isn't that a pain?

the rain has caused

a haze

to surround

my world.

i can't see anything

clearly

and i don't see an end

in sight.

D-Day of Sorts...

2009-06-21T12:18:00.000-04:00

Today is Father's Day. Everyone has one, even if they don't want to admit it. I have one. He's in this picture with me. I admit it willingly and I have to say, I am a big fan of him. We've had our ups and downs as most fathers and daughters do, but on the whole, it's mostly ups.

I am tired still. I have a feeling I'm going to continue to be tired until I've been on vacation for a week or two. It's hard to get sleep when there's so much stuff going on inside your head. Not to mention the fact that Lucy is up and down all night long! Five more days of school related stuff and then I'm free. I am pretty darned excited about that too. Free to spend time at home, spend time at the barn, spend time with friends... free.

So speaking of sleeping issues, here's a poem I wrote about them the other morning:

Sleep

no longer comes easy

as my mind roils

in constant

turmoil.

I think I know what Chicken Little

meant

when he claimed that the sky

was falling.

Oh What A Night!

2009-06-20T21:05:00.000-04:00

First off, I took this picture last night. Dexter, who is a bed hog all the time, decided that he needed to lay on my pillow. I figured if I laid on him, he would move... right? Wrong! As you can see, he was SOUND asleep and stayed right there until after midnight. I fell asleep like that as well and only woke up because he moved. I was awake when the picture was taken, but closed my eyes to protect against the ridiculously bright flash.

So, I have to be honest, my evening this evening has been a real up and down kinda night. I went north to pick up a prescription and made it approximately four minutes before the pharmacy was going to close... score one for me. Next came dinner at a new restaurant and this is where things went really downhill.

The decor is cute, but that's about where the goodness ends. I ordered a salad and said VERY specifically that I did not want any blue cheese... I am not a cheese eater and that stuff is just utterly disgusting. The salad came out, with avocados that honest-to-god must have been accidentally frozen and little bits of blue cheese all through it. I tried to pick it out because I absolutely hate to be a pain, but try as I might I couldn't. I ate a bite that had some in it and I gagged. Hard. I couldn't touch anymore of it. At least they didn't make me pay for it. On top of that awesomeness, I also managed to get a big yellow stain on my white shirt from the appetizer that accidentally came out with the meals. Gotta love those computer glitches.

Following the restaurant mishaps, I thought that maybe ice cream would be a fitting substitute for a real meal. I've done that many a time in my day... tonight wasn't the night for that either! I ordered chocolate ice cream with peanut butter mixed in - a definite winner anytime - and got some gross ice cream that honestly tasted like meat. Like when you have something in the refrigerator or freezer has been sitting for too long with other stuff that smells really strong... it was just bad. Bad, bad, bad.

There were several positives however that completely made up for the nastiness of the food business. First off, I got some awesome new shoes for walking/running with my doggies, along with a fun hat and another awesome T-shirt. Then, the biggest positive of all: at Border's, I ended up getting a $40 book of essays that a geeky English major-y type such as myself was immediately attracted to, for $24!! Here's to reading a bunch of fantastic literary awesomeness for nearly half price!

I've been working for a long time to see the silver linings to all of the cloudy days and today, I think I've succeeded. Go me.

The Last Friday

2009-06-19T16:24:00.000-04:00

Today was the very last Friday of the school year... quite honestly, I'm pretty sad. I really like these damn kids and now I'm not going to have them anymore. I have to start all over again next year with a whole new bunch and although I know they'll be fine, they won't be the same. I'd say that it's safe to say I've gotten attached to these little buggers.

I'm guess I'm just bumming for a bunch of reasons at this point. My grandfather is in the hospital and is pretty sick which always makes me crazy. He has been through so much in his life... he deserves better.

There are so many things just hanging over my head, I feel like I need a helmet in order to be safe walking around. Maybe I should look into that. People would probably think I was prone to seizures, but maybe they'd give me some space... it might be worth it actually. I'll have to add it to my weekend shopping list.

the weight

rests

directly over my heart.

breathing restricted

panic takes over

tears flow free

and i'm drowning

If only...

2009-06-18T21:24:00.000-04:00

I was just thinking, "if only I could capture the scent that's in the air tonight." I just had Lucy out for her before bed constitutional and was just soaking in the amazing-ness of the evening. It is rainy and funky out, but I have to say, I'm kind of loving it. I enjoy the sunshine and the warm weather, but there are times that the rain just suits my mood and I guess right now is one of those times.

I feel like there are so many things wrapping up and coming to an end, and it makes me kind of sad. Tomorrow is my last "normal" day of school for this year and I am super bummed! I have had such an awesome year with the group of students I have and I'm not going to have them anymore after next Tuesday. That's really depressing! I know they'll be in the same building next year, but it won't be the same. I won't get to have them in class every day and watch them grow, change and learn. I won't know what's going on in their lives and I won't be their teacher anymore.

I just got home from enjoying a delightful evening of "Sandwich Week" with Al, Jess and Paul. We had some amazing eggplanty goodness that Al concocted. I have been craving eggplant so I was super excited to get the invite. I am pretty proud to say that I am really backing off on the meat consumption. It has never been the light of my life, but I have always just eaten it because it was easier... that's just not the case for me anymore.

While driving home, I had to do some serious slaloming because there were cute little froggies all over the road soaking in the raindrops. They are so awesome and I absolutely hate driving at night in the rain because sometimes the frogs are just unavoidable. I missed them all tonight, thank goodness.

Well, it's WAY past my bedtime and I've got school tomorrow, so I've got to head off to dreamland. Let's see if I can get out a quick little poem before I pass out of the picture:

Rain falls in the evening -

saturates the air and soil.

The green of the leaves is

magnified

in the million prisms

drizzling down

from the clouds.

What's Blooming Today?

2009-06-17T18:25:00.001-04:00

Good lord it was a gorgeous day! Not only was it a gorgeous day, but it was a gorgeous day that I got to spend on the beach in Scarborough, with a bunch of 7th graders and some awesome teachers I work with. The weather was spectacular, the kids were ridiculously well behaved and I did NOT get sunburned! At least I don't think I did anyways...

As we were driving there and driving back, I couldn't help but notice all of the amazing flowers that are blooming all over the place. We even passed a place that had a sign out for fresh picked strawberries! They looked awfully good all lined up in their little pint containers. I also saw some incredible rosa rugosa bushes that are completely covered in bright pink flowers and most likely surrounded by very happy bees. I think that there is very little in this world that smells better than a rosa rugosa. It is a fantastic, pure scent that just makes me smile.

At my house, I also have some good stuff blooming. My jacob's ladder and columbine are winding down, but the irises are just starting up! There are some gorgeous purple ones and there are yellow ones that are just astounding. Some shades of yellow aren't that great, but this shade is something else.

On that note, I am thinking I should write a poem about this flowery stuff. What do you think?

The color of roses -

multi-hued,

golden,

velvet red.

A veritable

rainbow

of scent and shade

surrounded

by the busy buzzing of a million bees

thrilled to have found

such a stash.

Magnificent Megan

2009-06-15T20:49:00.000-04:00

So, I am super lucky today, because my friend Megan is here hanging out. We did some shopping and she got a TON of great stuff... even a dress and some awesome shoes. Then we hung out at Border's for a while and had some fantastic dinner at the China Chef. Thanks to my friend Jess for introducing me to the scallion pancakes there. If you haven't had them, you must try them.

Since I have company, that's all for tonight. I'll do better tomorrow. I promise!

Reunion Time

2009-06-14T15:08:00.000-04:00

I just got home from the 2nd Annual Community School Alumni BBQ. Since all of the graduating classes are so small, we don't have class reunions, we just have school reunions. Last year we had a decent turn out - 15 or 16 people and this year wasn't too shabby for a yucky day - probably 10 or so, including one of the most recent alums who graduated yesterday.

It rocked my world because I got to see my friend Claire who at this point in time I think can be considered my "oldest" friend. We've been close since I was a freshmen in high school and since I graduated nine years ago... yeah... it's quite a long time. She is absolutely amazing and wonderful and I love her to pieces. I don't get to see her very often, even though she just lives over in Portland. I think that may just have to change though. I can be a big brave girl and drive to the big city.

It's another rainy Sunday around here. It feels so good to just be at home. I haven't been just at home to sit on the couch and hang out with my puppies in WAY too long. I have a Dexter curled up on my right and Lucy is alternating between staring out the slider and walking all over my computer to get right in my face. She's so cute... so is Dexter. I have two pretty darn cute puppies.

I haven't been writing all that much the past week or so because I've been too busy with wrapping stuff up at school. I need to get all of that stuff taken care of soon. My next big project is to clean out my desk... it might be scary. I tend to be a pack rat. I also have an addiction to office supplies. It is crazy to think that the school year is really almost over. I have had a wonderful first year at KMS and am going to miss my kiddos from this year so badly! They were a great group and I hope they come back to the 7th grade wing every now and then to visit.

Okay - now, on to poetry. I'm going to write something new. Right now. Bear with me.

It's a blue day

today.

Raindrops

make patterns on windows

like teardrops

make patterns on cheeks.

Fatigue

has infiltrated

every crevice of my being.

I am fading -

fast,

and looking for a crayon

to fill the color

back in.

Burning Candles

2009-06-11T20:41:00.000-04:00

Phew! I am so glad that this week is almost over... I say that and really my week isn't over until Saturday when I am done working at my second job. I love working at BCG, but I'm getting pretty darn tired from burning the candle at both ends. I'll be super glad when Summer Vacation hits and I am free to do some relaxation.

I had a fun day interviewing candidates for a Language Arts teaching position. I got to spend the day with three other teachers who I really enjoy. There was a lot of laughing and a lot of good conversation, which is ALWAYS a good thing. Some good candidates too!

I took Little Lucy to her first softball game tonight too. She was scared about to death, but she adjusted after a while and even sniffed a few hands. It was big for her! I'll take her more often and she'll get used to it soon. She's such a cutie and she's turning into a really good little dog!

I am really feeling like things are looking up. Having good friends is really an amazing thing. Just knowing that there are people out there who care for you and who you care for has the ability to buoy you up when you need it. Thanks to all of my amazing friends out there. You guys are absolutely incredible!

I don't have much poetry going in me tonight, so I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." -Khalil Gibran

Blogging in Earnest.

2009-06-10T19:04:00.000-04:00

I have been slacking off pretty hard in the blogging department. The end of the school year is always crazy and it causes a lot of other things to be swept under the rug for the time being. I have also been burning my candle at both ends and it's really starting to catch up with me. Someone remind me next year to NOT agree to work Saturdays before school gets out. It's a little too much for me right now. I'm also super bummed because I have to work this Saturday and there are two big things happening that I wish I could attend, but I can't! My mom is the graduation speaker at The Community School and Carly is having a graduation party! Darn it all!! Anyways, enough complaining.

I guess that honestly, I just don't have a whole lot to say right now. I've got a lot going on, but most of it is going on in my head... once I get all of it sorted out, I'll slap some of my "deep" thoughts up here, but for now, let's just head straight for the poetry. I wrote this one quite some time ago and I kind of like it. I hope you enjoy it too!

Scenting the Enemy

I hear a thousand winds moan

as I watch for the smell

of those gifted dreamers

who whisper winter days away.

Months later

the rain comes blue –

it’s drops chanting a new tune.

Some women are mean and weak

behind hard exteriors

carved from granite.

Their men run from them

and hide in beds

tucked under plaid flannel covers.

There they shine

snug as bugs in a rug.

Chilly, willy, nilly!

2009-06-09T18:07:00.001-04:00

I got super cold when I was at the barn this afternoon with the farrier! It is cold and damp and icky out. I have to say though, days like this make things easier at school. When it's not nice out, the kids don't want to be outside, so they have an easier time paying attention to what's going on.

I'm trying to go easy on them for the end of the year anyways. They don't need a ton more stress, so we're studying fairy tales... compare and contrasting them, reading lots of them... it's a good time for sure.

I had an awesome day yesterday!! After work I went to visit Jess and we spent so much quality time together! She even made me an AMAZING vegan pizza for dinner, the leftovers of which are in the oven right now re-heating so I can enjoy it AGAIN tonight. Speaking of which, I can smell it and I'm going to go eat it!

Stay warm and toasty and I'll get some poetry up here tomorrow. :)

P.S.

2009-06-07T19:42:00.001-04:00

So, I've decided to add on an addendum, which is in essence, completely redundant since addendum means something you've added on...

I just wanted to say that moms, sisters and best friends absolutely rock. It is amazing to know that when you are so mad you can't even see straight, there are people out there who can make you feel better pretty much instantly.

Thanks guys!! You rock.

Raising My Ire

2009-06-07T16:15:00.000-04:00

I am so angry, that I don't even know what to say. It takes a lot to leave me speechless, but I am.

Ahhhh, the weekend.

2009-06-06T16:41:00.000-04:00

So, it's Saturday. I'm glad that it's not Friday anymore, because yesterday was not the most stupendous day ever. Long story that we won't go into here, but trust me, I'm glad it's done with!

I just got home from a lovely day of working at Bearcamp Garden. The weather is gorgeous, the sun is shining and lots of people were out and about buying flowers. We've got some gorgeous stuff down there, so if you're in the market for annuals, perennials or some aggregate, come on down! Betsy and Peter rock, as do the rest of the people who work at BCG.

I do believe that this evening I will be traveling to the great state of Maine for a graduation party for yet ANOTHER one of my former students who has finished up the great battle that we call high school. She was an on and off charter schooler, and always a very cool chick. She is a fantastic artist and takes some of the most gorgeous photographs I have ever seen. I know she has a website, though I'm not sure what it is. I'll have to ask her for it so I can post a link up here for all to see.

Well, I'm going to get a poem up here and get the dogs out for a walk. I think it's cooled off a bit so they won't be totally roasting. I hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine!!

Childhood Was

black rubber boots

with red soles.

early morning barn chores.

fudgcicles for breakfast

on hot Saturday mornings

covered in sawdust.

riding every day until dark.

reading and writing

and living a whole other life

inside my head.

The Third Graduation

2009-06-05T08:00:00.001-04:00

Last night, I was privileged enough to attend the third graduation of students from the Academy for Equine Sciences Charter School, formerly known as the New Hampshire Equestrian Academy. Two amazing young ladies graduated last night after spending the past three years working hard not only to learn as much as they possibly could, but also to build a healthy, happy community in their school. They fought hard not only to make the environment open and accepting, but also to keep the school open. Charter school's are in constant danger of closing due to lack of funding from the State of New Hampshire and on several occasions, these two girls spoke out in defense of their school. I call it their school because, being two of the inaugural students, they were two of the group of young ladies who were responsible for making the school what it is.

I had the opportunity to teach at the school for two years, and though there were many stressors that I do not miss one bit, I do miss my kids. I may only be 26 years old, but those girls that graduated last night are mine in so many ways. I was able to watch them grow and change and be there for them when they needed a shoulder and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Madi started out three years ago an incredible student who wouldn't say boo about anything. Over the course of time that I have known her, she has become not only an incredible student, but an outspoken young lady who I am proud to call a friend. She is intelligent, beautiful and confident. She knows that she can do anything she sets her mind to and she will prove that when she starts at New York University in the fall.

Carly is and has always been one of the rare people in this world who knew herself from the very beginning. She is also a brilliant student and one of the most level headed responsible young ladies I have ever met. There are so many memories I share with her, but the one that stands out most clearly is the day she totalled her parent's truck on the way to school. We were getting ready to leave for a field trip to the Seabrook Nuclear Power plant and she had called to say she was going to be a little bit late. A few minutes later, her passenger called to say they had been in a bad car accident and they wouldn't be making it to school in time for the field trip. I heard Carly saying in the background, "go left," in response to my asking where they were. I jumped in my car and turned left out the driveway and because of her directions, found them. I almost had a heart attack when I saw the truck smashed to pieces, laying on it's roof. Horrible visions took over my imagination and I ran for the ambulance. Thank God, both Carly and her passenger were fine. They had a few scratches, but they got out without major injury. I have never been so relieved in my life. Through it all, Carly kept a level head and never panicked. She had the forethought to kick out the back window of the truck so they could climb out and escape any further injury. She is headed for Colby Sawyer College in September looking forward to a career in nursing. She will be the best nurse who ever walked the halls of a hospital.

I am not sure I have ever felt this proud. Again, though these girls are not biologically mine, I am so proud to have known them and been a part of their lives. I look forward to a long life of friendship with both of them. Congrats girls. You are the best.

Finally

2009-06-03T20:10:00.000-04:00

So thank the lord, I'm finally feeling better. Honestly, yesterday I had serious concerns that I was going to be torn from this world and into the next very prematurely. I even had to take today and stay home again. I'm not one to stay home and it killed me to be without the kids for another day, but I am back to my normal self and will be there to enjoy them tomorrow!

I was at least productive with my time today. I took all of the writing that I have been doing recently and got it all compiled into one file on the good old laptop. I have been toying with the idea of self-publishing a book of poetry and now that my super friend Caroline self-published her novel, I'm back on the bandwagon. There's a great website lulu.com that is supposed to make it pretty easy and you can even get your very own ISBN number! It costs a little money, but if you have your own, it means that you are truly the publisher and you own all of the rights. I have collected a whopping 82 pages of poetry, and now I just have to figure out the organizational end of things and create a cover. I have to say, I'm pretty excited about that.

That being said, here's a poem I discovered in one of my journals that I had no recollection of writing:

Dying Inside

There’s a noose around my heart.

The executioner skipped my neck

and instead

went right to the center of my being

and started to squeeze.

I will not be so lucky as to just break my neck

and be paralyzed for the rest of my life.

I will not be lost in a coma

until I get unplugged.

I will die.

My heart struggles

to push blood through veins

like a neap tide

when water neither comes nor goes.

My arteries are half full

and draining

and at last

I’ll have that pale English complexion

I started out with.

Reading Between The Lines

2009-06-02T16:31:00.001-04:00

Having been an avid reader for practically my entire life, I have done a fair bit of reading between the lines. I will never forget that all through high school, I fought tooth and nail with Martha Carlson about poetry and it's meaning. Her philosophy was that when a writer wrote a poem, that it had one meaning and one meaning only and it was your job as the reader to get inside the writer's head and discover that meaning. I completely disagreed. Now that I am much more educated than I was in high school (thank you $70k worth of debt), I know, pretty much without a doubt that I was right.

I fancy myself to be a writer... as you know if you are reading this blog. The whole reason I started it was to force myself to write more, and it's been working. Someone asked me yesterday what inspired my poetry, and honestly, there's no one source of inspiration for me. Sometimes I see something outside that blows my mind... even more often it's a smell that gets me going. On the way home today I smelled the most amazing and intense "pine needle in-the-sun" smell. That gets me going. Sometimes it's events that are occurring in my life, sometimes it's stuff I've seen on TV or read about in another place, or dreams that I've had or the drama that might be going on in someone else's life. It's hard to say all the time where it comes from, but sometimes the words just flow and one thing leads to another and a poem ends up on paper. I look back at my writing and sometimes I don't remember writing things or what I was thinking about at the time.

I remember hearing a story from a professor in college about the poem "My Papa's Waltz" by Theodore Roethke. Supposedly when he first wrote the poem, it was a happy memory for him of good times spent with his father. Apparently when he looked back on it later in life however, he saw it as something totally and completely different. He re-read his own words that came out of his pen in his hand and instead of seeing that happy memory, he saw a drunken and disorderly dad and a dysfunctional family. That just goes to show you, that even the writer him or herself can read between the lines differently depending on the time.

When you read, you bring all of yourself and your background with you to what you're reading and I think that's why I love to read so much. Every time I read something, it might mean something different to me. I have read The Great Gatsby a million times, and every time I read it, I get something different out of it. The same can be said for every piece of literature I have ever read. Depending on my frame of mind, my mood, what I've eaten or watched on TV, conversations I've had, dreams I've had... it means something different to me.

I remember taking a Critical Analysis class in college (two actually, but that's a long story for another time) and I was told very specifically when analyzing poetry, you never refer to the person in the poem as the author. Just because a person writes a poem, that does not mean that they are the speaker in the poem. Poetry is not necessarily non-fiction. It could be entirely false. Chances are, it just might be.

Personal Daze

2009-06-01T10:01:00.000-04:00

I am taking a "personal day" today. We are allowed three a year and they expire at the end, so I figured, I might as well go for it! After the long stint in the fields on Saturday, it will probably be good to have an extra day of recovery so I can potentially walk like a normal human being in front of the children tomorrow.

I managed to sleep in this morning with only two interruptions. Dexter needed desperately to pee and then Lucy had to have some playtime. When all was said and done, I wasn't up and about until about 8:00. Not bad in the grand scheme of my life. My normal morning starts right around 5:00 or a little before, depending on the day. I made myself a little mental list for the day and I've already managed to check one thing off! I've gone through all of the resumes for the hiring committee I'm a part of. Some were great, some had blatant miss-spellings. That one blew my mind. Now we'll see what the other committee members thought and I'll get to be a part of some interviews! Exciting stuff. Not too long ago, I was in their position - the hot seat.

It's really funny to look back at life and see how things change and how cyclical so many things are. They say that every 7 years your body goes through a complete change. That's when your allergies are supposed to change and things like that. There are plenty of other cycles too... cycles in your brain, in your friendships, in your relationships in general. I can't help but think that ten years ago right now I was in a very similar place in a lot of ways. I can say that I sincerely hope it's not a regular ten year cycle. I am actually going to say right now that I am committing to making it not be a repetitive mistake. I am going to pay more attention to myself and what I need and what I love so that I don't have to go searching for myself again, now that I seem to be finally finding me.

I'm not so good with maps.

And currently

I'm trekking

without a sherpa

through the mountainous region

known as myself.

Instead of being lost in a blizzard

or my toes turning black

from the frost

I actually think I'm finding my way

to higher ground

and alpine meadows.

I can almost smell

the heady scent of flowers

wafting on the wind that winds it's way

through the middle of my thoughts

in my personal daze.

The Human Connection

2009-05-31T14:28:00.000-04:00

What a weekend. I spent yesterday working at a to-be-unnamed farm in the southern part of this lovely state. It is an interesting place, owned by a person who I am not a huge fan of. He treats people like property and I am definitely not okay with that. I had never officially met him before yesterday, but I'd heard a lot about him from two people who work there a lot more than I do. He really is a first class A-Hole. Bad enough to merit capitalization.

When I first met him he didn't really speak to me... it turns out that's because he thought I was 17 or so. When he found out that I had mad experience in the gardening department and was almost 27 however, he couldn't talk to me enough. It was the kind of sickly sweet talk that makes the bile rise in the back of your throat. It was definitely a challenge for me to not tell him off before I left there yesterday, even though he offered me a full-time summer job there if I only lived closer... There would certainly be benefits, but he is one gigantic negative.

He is one of those people who will never have a genuine connection with other people. A very dear friend of mine who has to deal with him on a daily basis has made the observation and prediction that his punishment for treating people the way he does is that he will die alone and no one will mourn him. I completely agree and see no reason anyone would be sad to see him go.

On the topic of connections however, it is really amazing to me how certain people just have those connections. There are synapses that fire between two brains and forge a bond that lasts for years and years over insane distances with very little actual communication. One of those situations where all you have to do is think about the other person and it keeps the relationship alive. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that privilege and it certainly is a privilege. For the longest time, I thought it was just me and my imagination, but it turns out that is just not the way. Maybe my psychic powers are as strong as the Band teacher at school told me they are. Pretty neat, huh?

3,652 days

give or take

for leap year accuracy.

I have stewed

and thought

and wondered -

doubting myself all along the way

only to discover

I should have pushed away

the doubt

and gone with

my gut.

Quickie

2009-05-29T21:02:00.001-04:00

Just a quickie tonight. I've worked all day, been very patient when I really didn't want to be (adult related, not kiddo), taken myself out to dinner surrounded by drunk old people, and grocery shopped. I've put away the groceries, packed for the weekend and figured out my schedule. I'm off and running and I'll be back on Sunday.

A very happy birthday to my peanut JT in the picture above. Ten years ago tonight I was able to watch him come into this world and it was truly a miracle.

Have fun all!!